Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have an issue with my kids. The kids I don’t have yet. Well, that’s the problem. I don’t have them yet. We’ve been married for a year now and we are not planning on having children until the end of the Obama administration or the advent of socialized health care, whichever takes longer. This is an unmitigated disaster for my mom who doesn’t understand that as much as we want to carry on the proud family tradition, we are just emotionally and financially not ready.
“You were totally unplanned,” she says as I try to explain that once you have a kid you can’t go to India or advance as much in your job. How do I get her to stop being all up in my ovaries for the next few years?
Dear Vexed Vicki,
How old are you Miss Vexed Vicki? Are you in your twenties? If so, then kick back, drink some sangria and enjoy the good life of 10 hours of sleep a night. Are you in your thirties? Well, then you might not want to wait for socialized health care in this country, or maybe it’s time to move to Canada, because us ladies can’t have babies forever. No, that’s a special honor given to men, along with higher wages for equal work. But I don’t want to get all riled up here. Let’s focus on babies.
Now when I first got married, I had barely finished stuffing every last remnant of wedding cake in my face when everyone started asking, “So when are you going to have a baby?” And truthfully, as much as I wanted a family, I was never going to be ready. Because how does one truly prepare themselves for sleepless nights, nauseating poop situations and a lifetime of worry? You can’t. You’ll never be emotional prepared. And you’ll never have enough money. One day, you just decide to take the plunge. That’s why babies are insanely cute. Or else it wouldn’t be worth it.
Of course, it’s completely up to you and your husband when you decide to start a family. And no one (including your mom) should pressure you into anything. Because she won’t be there at 2 am when that insanely cute pain in the arse won’t stop crying. So tell you mom that you are waiting for a couple of years. Let her rant, beg and plead. Then buy her a puppy, name him “grandchild” and tell her the case is closed for now.
Then go take that trip to India. Because once you’re preggers, that ain’t happening for awhile. A long while.