30 Jun
Not Knocked Up

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I had a baby six months ago but I have yet to shed all my baby weight.   Not only do I feel lousy about my body but at least once a week, some idiot asks, “So when are you due?”   I practically walk away in tears. What is the proper response to this question?

Signed,

I Already Had the Baby Dumb Ass

______________________

Dear I.A.H.T.B.D.A,

I will never understand how a person has the balls to walk up to a woman who is in all likelihood a bit bloated from three Diet Cokes and 6 Cadbury Creme Eggs and wishes her a big ole congrats on her pregnancy. Having just given birth myself, I too have been subjected to such humiliation.

Taking off baby weight is not easy. For some reason, breast feeding has never sucked off the pounds the way every supermodel promises. But maybe Gisele Bundchen and Heidi Klum don’t start their days with two chocolate croissants and end them with huge bowls of chocolate double fudge ice cream like I do.

There is really no way to stop people from asking this asinine question. And once they realize you’re not pregnant, they probably feel worse then you do. Still, you need a proper response. So when someone asks when you are due, just say, “In December. And I’m registered at Pottery Barn. I’d love it if you’d buy me the Kendall Nursing Collection. You’re a real darling to buy me such a generous gift.” And then walk away.

Good luck taking off the baby weight. I heard something about exercise and carrot sticks working wonders but I have yet to try this myself. I’m still hoping chocolate croissants do the trick.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

13 Responses to “Not Knocked Up”

06.30.10#1

Comment by dusty earth mother.

Hey, nice comeback, Kelcey. Hopefully you personally won’t have to use it. Seriously, why are people so incredibly stupid? I don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless she’s wearing one of the t-shirts that says BABY with the arrow pointing down to her stomach and also appears to be going into labor. It’s just not safe any other way.

06.30.10#2

Comment by Mummydiaries.

I heard a great one once: “Unless the baby’s head is crowning, don’t even think of asking!!”

Marinka, TMH Reply:

And if it’s crowning, say “there’s something on your thigh” first. To make sure.

Plano Mom Reply:

Oh now that is priceless.

Amber Reply:

HAHAHAHA best line ever!

06.30.10#3

Comment by GrandeMocha.

I answer, “8 years ago. What’s your excuse?”

06.30.10#4

Comment by Plano Mom.

Couple that weight with a healthy full head of gray hair, and you’ve got a serious epidemic of foot in mouth disease. People tell you how neat that your grandson will be older than his aunt or uncle.

06.30.10#5

Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

Agreed. They should never ask unless your water breaks on their shoes. I say offer your actual due date and then ask, “how about you?” Man or woman, it’ll just be funny.

06.30.10#6

Comment by Helena.

Oh hey, I’ve never had any kids. But a few months ago a man came up to me in church and asked when I was due. I was horrified.

“I’m not pregnant.”

“haha, no really- when are you due?”

…excuse me??

If I ever get that again, I’m going to pat my tummy and say “In April- of 2013, asshole”

06.30.10#7

Comment by Roshni.

hehheeh! I actually did the opposite once. When I was 8 months pregnant and very obviously looking pregnant, one of my colleagues asked me when I was due. I put on a very offended expression and asked him what the hell he meant!! It took him a few seconds to realize that I was pulling his leg but boy! was he embarrassed till then!! :)))

06.30.10#8

Comment by Mommy on the Spot.

People are so rude!!

I would use Mummydiaries line!!

07.02.10#9

Comment by Karyn.

I completely respect the idea of not asking a woman you don’t know is pregnant when she’s due.

However, as someone who works in health-care (specifically, collecting blood in an outpatient lab setting), when I see tests relating to pregnancy (glucose tolerances, beta HCG, etc.), I’m rather comfortable asking a woman when she’s due or how far along she is.

Most women, in fact, when faced with THAT situation, are rather excited to talk about it; many of the ones I seem to meet are first-timers, or have JUST come from their first ultrasound and are positively bursting (pardon the pun) at the seams with excitement.

So… Don’t ask a complete stranger or someone carrying a 2 month old. I mean really – how dumb do you have to be?

07.19.10#10

Comment by mom, again.

Dear Stranger: no matter how pregnant a woman looks, unless she’s obviously in medical distress, don’t ask about her due date. Just don’t.

If the woman is happily pregnant, she will turn the conversation so that she can mention it, you don’t have to. If she doesn’t mention it, either she isn’t, or for some reason, it’s not something she wants to talk about with you. Because you are a total stranger. Also, under no conditions do you, ever touch a pregnant looking woman’s belly unless that woman is your wife/girlfriend. (and maybe not hers, but I leave that to your discretion.)

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