19 May
I Spy on My Ex Online

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My divorce was finalized this past December, thereby ending my five year marriage to a brutally manipulative, self-entitled, and (at times) abusive man. We had no children (yes, yes “how lucky!” I know) and no longer have any contact. I can honestly say that I no longer miss him.

So, here’s the problem. He has never changed any of his passwords – e-mail, bank accounts, Facebook, anything – making it all too easy to “check in” and see how things are going. I’ll confess that at the beginning I checked fairly often and it has waned considerably – to about once every 4-6 weeks.

It may be twisted, but each time I tend to find something validating when I snoop, such as his various subscriptions to online hookup sites or (most recently) the fact that he’s shacked up with some new chick. I realize this is probably not the healthiest path for moving on. Will my snooping fade in time? How can I exercise more self control?

Signed,

No Self Control Suzie

______________________________________

Dear No Self Control Suzie,

First of all, congratulations for getting yourself out of a very bad marriage. It takes a lot of courage to end a dangerous relationship and move on.

We all have a natural curiosity about our exes. I mean, isn’t that the reason Facebook was created? How else can I keep tabs on my ex-boyfriends and what they had for dinner last night or what one of them named his new cat.   (Fluffy, by the way.) Sure, it’s been 15 years since I’ve seen some of these guys, but a girl doesn’t like to be out of the loop. So it’s perfectly normal to follow exes on Facebook or Google them from time to time. And feel free to translate “time to time” as daily.

But here’s the problem with your behavior: it’s illegal. Now, I’m not an attorney. But I did defer from Northwestern University Law School two years in a row so as far as I’m concerned, that’s pretty much the same as a law degree and I can assure you that logging on to someone’s email, Facebook or other account, without permission, is completely illegal. Like you could be arrested. By real police officers. And prosecuted. And you could face prison time. Am I helping your self-control?

Not long ago, a Philadelphia anchorman was found guilty of hacking into his co-anchor’s email account. He faced five years in prison.   He was sentenced to three years probation, six months home confinement, 250 hours community service, computer monitoring, psychiatric evaluation and a $5,000 fine. Does that sound scary enough?

So forget about what your ex is doing online and go sign up for one of those dating sites yourself so you can meet a new man. It’s a much better use of your time and you’ll never have to put “ex-convict” on your resume.

Good luck to you,

Kelcey, TMH

6 Responses to “I Spy on My Ex Online”

05.19.10#1

Comment by Plano Mom.

Good advice.

Also sounds to me like she’s looking for signs that he was affected by her leaving, which would imply that she mattered to him.

Guess what? He’s not. And she didn’t. He’s an abusive ass, remember? Log off, get over it, and get to the business of finding someone who does care.

05.19.10#2

Comment by neena.

just don’t join the same dating site he did – they might match you guys and then it would just be awkward. Funny, but awkward.

05.19.10#3

Comment by stef.

Did he not think to change his passwords. He is just asking for it, if you ask me. Who doesn’t do that?
But I would say this…if the guy was abusive and as big of a jerk as you say, he wasn’t worth your time then and he isn’t worth it now!

05.19.10#4

Comment by Heather, TMH.

I don’t hack into exes accounts and I’m scared.

05.20.10#5

Comment by Janine.

Just wondering how you got all those passwords in the first place? Can’t really think of a reason that i would ever need to check my Sig-O’s email –and we’re on good terms….

06.15.12#6

Comment by Susan.

If you are snooping you still care! I never found out the truth to this day as my lover was living in another state. He traveles a lot to China & lied to me from the start! I saw him & his chinese younger date arm & arm & that hurt!His parents were missionaries in china so he lived near there while growing up before coming to college in the USA where he stayed. He is Norwegian born.He travels there a lot too as his sister lives there.He caught a STD in China from a German tourist? You need to check these guys out before sleeping with them!

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