02 May
He’s Marriage Material. Just Not Now.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, and most of our time together has been wonderful.

However, he is 15 years my senior. This does not bother me, or my friends and family, but lately I am starting to feel pressure from him about when we will be starting a family of our own.

I’m not ready to have children or get married yet, but I do not want to lose him. I really want to accomplish the completion of my bachelor’s degree before I fully settle down, but he is worried that it will take too long and that he will be older than he wants to be when I am finally ready to commit to a family.

I understand his desire for his parents to see their grandchildren, but I am beginning to worry that I am wasting his time by being with him if I won’t be prepared for kids and marriage when he is.

My dreams and goals matter to me, but so do his. What should I do?

Signed,

Not Married With Children
_______________________________________

Dear Not Married With Children,

BREAK UP WITH HIM. Seriously. Right now. And then after a proper amount of time has passed, can you please give me his name and number so I can pass it on to a few of my beautiful, lovely single friends who are totally ready to get married and start a family.

Oh, forget it. He’ll probably still be pining for you.

Every relationship comes with its own challenges. Like my husband has absolutely no sense of direction but always has incredible confidence when it comes to driving somewhere. Which means we’ve been lost like 638 times and had 637 fights over it. (One time we didn’t argue because I was actually sleeping.)  You would think GPS would have solved this little marital hiccup but apparently GPS is confusing too.  We constantly miss turns and the GPS lets us know in a very condescending tone that it is recalculating the route. Again.

I’m sure you and your boyfriend have no problem reaching your driving destinations but you do have a challenge with your age difference. He’s ready to settle down. You are not. You both have every right to feel the way you do.

So here’s my question… Is this guy the one? Did you immediately say yes? Or did you hem and haw a bit?

If the answer is yes, tell him. Tell him that you want to marry him. You want to have children with him. You love him deeply. But you aren’t ready to ring shop.  You will be. But not yet. If he can’t wait or doesn’t understand, you will have to let him go. Because you deserve this time to achieve your own goals. Let me assure you that once you have a couple kids grabbing onto your legs and whining endlessly, it will be a difficult to focus on yourself.

If you hesitated a bit about whether this guy is your soul mate, it’s definitely time to break things off. It will be sad. It will be heartbreaking. But it will be the best thing for both of you.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

10 Responses to “He’s Marriage Material. Just Not Now.”

05.02.12#1

Comment by Big ol' B with a capital B.

It sounds like you two are at inherently different places in your lives right now and it would be so much simpler to break up and let him find someone that suites his needs right now and you find someone who would allow you to follow your own dreams right now.

Don’t let him pressure you into marriage/kids. Once you go down that path there is no turning back. Trust me. I did the college thing, work thing, married without children for awhile thing and now I’m a SAHM which I am happy to have the opportunity to do and I CHOSE to do happily and wanted kids. I still feel stuck some days. Sure, you can follow your dreams/better yourself when having kids and some really strong women have done it, but it’s REALLY HARD to do. You will resent him if you fall for his pressure. So whatever you do, DON’T fall for it. Whether or not you stay together or break up, don’t have kids/get married until you are sure you’re doing it because you’re ready.

Muffintopmommy Reply:

What she said! ^ points above ^

Plano Mom Reply:

Spot ON! I didn’t have a child until I was 35. There is no way I was prepared to do what it takes when I was first married at 26.

05.02.12#2

Comment by Lisa.

You don’t have your bachelors? How old are you? If not at least 25, get out of this relationship. The odds that what you want in your early 20s are what you want later in life are slim. Yes, some relationships beat the odds but your guy isn’t even willing to wait for you to finish school! WTH? Does he want a true and equal life partner? Or a young thing he can take care of? If you saw mothering and homemaking as what you want as a career, that would be one thing – you can have a marriage of equals that way. But it doesn’t sound like you want that.

Say goodbye. You both can find what you want with someone else, not with each other.

05.02.12#3

Comment by rojopaul.

This is a tough decision for you, I’m sure. But from those of us on the outside looking in, we pretty much agree. If he can’t wait for you to finish your schooling and be ready to start a family when you are, it’s time to move on. Making such a huge decision as starting a family is someone both sides have to be ready and willing to do.

Talk about your desires and see what he thinks. If he’s not ready to wait until your schooling is done and you are ready (which may not be right away), move on.

I’m celebrating my 20th anniversary today and we both discussed timing and waited to start our family until we were both ready. In our case, it was 3 years after we got married. I can’t imagine not being on the same page. That’s just a recipe for future diaster.

Good luck to you!

rojopaul Reply:

*disaster* 🙂

05.02.12#4

Comment by VG.

Coming from someone who is almost 13 yrs younger than her spouse, you need to be on the same page. When I first started dating my hubby I had 1 yr of undergrad left to go. He knew that getting my degree was important to me and I also made it clear that my schooling came first. We talked about what we both wanted out of our lives early on, even before we were both ready for marriage. 6 married yrs later, we still have to do it. We didn’t have kids until I finished my Masters degree (which HE encouraged me to do) though we were TTC during the tail end of that time. That was 3+ yrs into our marriage. We want more but we both agreed that getting a bigger house is needed in order to expand our family of 3, so that’s our current goal.

This is all about communication and knowing what you truly want. You two need to have a serious conversation about your lives together. Only you two will know the next steps. Good luck!

05.02.12#5

Comment by Liz.

This is a familiar tale. My husband is a bit more than 15 yrs older than me, and I still had a year and a half to go for my bachelor’s. I knew he wanted kids, and made it clear that I didn’t. Apparently he wanted me more than kids, plus, with a bit more life experience, was willing to wait and see if I changed my mind. It’s been over 20 years, and because he was willing to wait (9 yrs), he got the child he wanted as well.
This can work, but it takes a lot of communication. A whole lot. More than I would ever have thought myself capable of doing. Still, in the end, something that you’ve worked that hard for is a lot more likely to last. Never let anyone hurry you into marriage or motherhood. There is plenty of time; you two are the priority, not the extended family members.
Good luck!

VG Reply:

Right on!

06.19.12#6

Comment by Should I Dump My Boyfriend Before He Dumps Me? | The Mouthy Housewives.

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