20 Dec
He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I love my boyfriend very much but I’m beginning to wonder if I should end our relationship, even though the thought alone hurts. We’re best friends. We have been together about 15 months. He is 32 and I am 23.

We do not live together but I stay at his house often.   However, he has a habit of wanting to see me all the time and then for about 2 weeks only wanting to see me 2-3 times a week. This has happened many times. He’s not cheating. When we’re apart, we keep in contact and we are usually playing video games online together.

But the last few months he has been hinting that he wants me to move in with him. I would like to move in with him once I can afford to support myself (right now I live with my parents while I’m in school). I would even like to one day marry him.

But he is a very indecisive person and I feel he is being indecisive about our relationship. I don’t want to end things and I know he loves me but I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m always worried he’s going to want distance himself.

How should I handle this?

Signed,

You Need Space, I Need Consistency

___________________________

Dear You Need Space,

You know what? I love space. I love alone time. I am hoping my Christmas stocking is stuffed full of alone time this year. But does your boyfriend just need space sometimes or does his feelings run hot and cold for you? That’s what you need to figure out.

Maybe he has commitment issues. Maybe he loves you but isn’t convinced you are the one. Maybe he’s running an illegal Silly Bandz business out of his basement when you aren’t around. I have no idea. But you should not even think of moving in with this guy until your relationship is in a different place.

You really need to change the dynamic here. Basically, when he wants to see you, you make yourself available. And then he is dismissing you when he’s had enough.   That does not create a balanced relationship. Why don’t you try several months of only seeing him two to three times a week?   You can have a great time together and the rest of the week, make yourself busy with school, friends, movie outings, whatever. Focus on yourself a bit more and give him the space he desires. There needs to be more equilibrium in this relationship.

You also might want to consider seeing a therapist together if he’s open to it. A third person in the room might be able to help him sort out his mixed feelings and help you both figure out where this relationship is going.

I do see a red flag here and this relationship may not be forever. But you are so YOUNG. In a few years, you might just be laughing with your friends and saying, “Remember when I dated that guy who ran the illegal Silly Bandz business?! I wonder what ever happened to him.”

Good luck and keep us posted.

Kelcey, TMH

11 Responses to “He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.”

12.20.11#1

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

I totally agree with Kelcey. From what you write, he seems to know you’ll always be there, so he wishes to see you but tires of company pretty soon. Just don’t be available when he wants to, keep the meetings to a minimum, then he’ll know he might lose you and be more attentive.
Good luck! 🙂

12.20.11#2

Comment by chris1010.

thanks for the advice. 🙂 we discussed this over the weekend and he said that the reason he does this is because he was worried that he would smother me and lose me. it wasn’t the time apart that was bothering me(I too love my alone time) but the inconsistancy. so we both decided that we’ll communicate our space requirements better and knock off the wishy washyness. thanks again.

12.20.11#3

Comment by echammond.

Ha! This was my relationship — we met when I was 23, he was 32. I did eventually move in, but just for a few months and then he “got scared.” I said, sure, no problem and went to grad school 5,000 miles away. Three weeks later, he was at my door (literally). It took a couple more months before we were officially back together, but he says (and I agree) that the only reason we worked out was because I gave him space when he needed it (AND that I didn’t put my life on hold during that time). We’ve been together four years, have a beautiful house together, and are getting married in a couple of months.

Sure, anything could have happened while we were apart. And you know what? That would have been okay — if we hadn’t gotten back together, then we clearly didn’t have what it takes. But I’m reaaallllly glad it worked out!

12.20.11#4

Comment by avprobeauty.

It sounds like you two sorted out your issues. Definitely don’t make the same mistake I did and move in with someone you’re not 100% about. It’s a huge hassle to move out if you ever break up.

12.20.11#5

Comment by Jen @ And Two More Makes FIVE.

This is a long response but, take it from me, someone who married a man 16 years my senior, the age difference can be difficult. It takes super-duper unique dynamics to make it work (having Tim Gunn around helps, too). Even then – you’ll feel those 9 years whenever things get tough because you’re at different stages in your lives. It works for us mostly because I’m a super-huge bossy oldest girl. My childhood nickname was “General Jenny.” Yes. And my husband is the baby boy, youngest by 13 years. So his age advantage is the only way he maintains any power in a relationship with an insanely directive wife.

I’m a huge advocate of living independently for several years before moving in with anyone. I was on my own for all of u-grad and my first two years of grad school before we moved in together. Now, whenever I get sick of the kids and the pets and my husband, all I need to think back to how lonely my one bedroom apartment was and I’m thankful for all the needy creatures with which I’m cohabitating.

And I’d also suggest not moving in until you think marriage is on the horizon. Why? Well, because avprobeauty is 110% right: it sucks to move out if you break up. Envisioning the impossibility of splitting all your stuff up gives you even more impetus to remain in a bad relationship if he turns out to have commitment issues or is running that illegal Silly Bandz operation.

But the best thing is that you’re young! Study like crazy in school, go get an advanced degree or secure a kick-ass job, make lifelong friendships with some awesome girlfriends and – if you’re still as close and dedicated when you’re exhausted with all that – start talking marriage, consider moving in and start building your world together.

12.20.11#6

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

I could not agree more that you need to see him less and do for yourself more. Build your own life. Don’t be so available, don’t let him be the ultimate decisions maker as to how often you two see each other. You need to be the one to say, “I can’t” when he asks you to come over.

There is nothing more a man wants than a woman he can’t always have.

sisterfunkhaus Reply:

Okay, I read your reply, and I still think you need to make sure that you aren’t wrapping yourself up too much in him. You need to be your own person and stand on your own two feet.

12.21.11#7

Comment by vodka tonic.

If he doesn’t think the sun shines outta your ass, then he isn’t The One.

12.21.11#8

Comment by Karin.

my husband swears that men have PMS too – he gets grumpy about every 6 or 7 weeks. It’s only bad when I’m about to get my period too!

chris1010 Reply:

Haha ya he gets my pms most of the time. I don’t mind though he gets the same kinda effects as me which is mostly cravings for a snack, a chick flick, and a good cry. the first 2 we always indulge in together and at least once every few months he lets the waterworks go. 🙂

12.22.11#9

Comment by chris1010.

oh I forgot to mention in my letter that we are both pretty busy. I am a full time student, working, and have many hobbies. and until last year for the past 5years I had been heavily helping my parents support and raise my 3 younger siblings. my parents are finally financially secure again. with them stable I went back to school and work part time.
so I tell him I can’t see him sometimes too. a lot of the time we spend together is him helping me study or just keeping me company while I do assignments.
what I mean is I have already began building my life. that’s why him worrying about smothering me makes sense.

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