25 Sep
They Call It Toilet Water for a Reason

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My brother-in-law, his wife, and child are coming to visit us soon. They are a little strange and have some quirks, but I can deal with that. The biggest problem is that they all smell really bad! I am not just talking BO either. All three of them smell like their mommy forgot to teach them how to wipe their poopy bottoms, they have dozens of animals that roam the house and seem to use the bathroom on their clothes that do not get washed. I am not the only one who notices either. They recently came to an event and when they walked into the room people actually started gagging and had the maintenance man check to see if the toilets had backed up in the bathrooms….I am not kidding! We figured that maybe they would go back to their hotel room that night and take showers, but when we met for breakfast the next day they still smelled! What can my husband or I do (besides telling them do take showers and do their laundry) when they arrive at our home to help with their horrible odor?

Signed,

Holding My Nose

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Dear Holding Nose,

Having a Diet Coke for breakfast is a quirk.  Not wiping your ass is disgusting.  Let’s not mince words:  Your in-laws smell like crap and you don’t like it.

I assume that the real question here is how the hell to keep these people out of   your house.  You don’t say how soon they will be descending on you, so it’s hard for me to advocate relocation versus a simple lock change, but I’m going to assume that time is of the essence.

And speaking of essence, I understand that theirs is offensive to you, but what about your husband?   Do his eyes water as well?   In the spirit of family harmony, I suggest sicking him on the his family.   Perhaps he could mention, in the gentlest of terms, that his wife, wouldn’t you know it, recently came down with an allergy to the odor of feces and a mere whiff   will cause much distress, medically speaking.  Reassure them that doctors are working on a cure, but until then, could they please scrub down prior to entering the premises.

If he is unable to confront them directly through lies and manipulation as I suggested above,  try the honest and direct approach. But only if absolutely necessary.   Get them a box of wipes and say, “Look, this is awkward, but I recently heard on CNN that most adults do not wipe correctly and thoroughly and MSNBC reports that it causes an unpleasant odor.  After watching an Oprah special on it, my family switched to this fine product and have never smelled fresher or been happier.  Please try it. Now.”

Good luck!

Marinka, TMH

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5 Responses to “They Call It Toilet Water for a Reason”

09.25.09#1

Comment by Teresa.

You could always rent them a motel room and borrow a fumigation tent and tell them you have termites…..yes….I am a wimp…

09.25.09#2

Comment by Elisa.

Oh boy. Some of my family members may be annoying, but at least they don’t smell. Good luck!

09.25.09#3

Comment by Julie B..

Hmmm…maybe they’re like me and just leave their laundry in the washer forever instead of switching to dryer hence making all their clothes stink. Of course, I rewash mine, but maybe they are immune to the smell. My husband has practically no sense of smell, it’s odd. Any chance they suffer the same? I think I would accidentally spill something all over their luggage and then graciously offer to rewash it all for them.

09.25.09#4

Comment by schmutzie.

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09.25.09#5

Comment by suburbancorrespondent.

I’m sure they are wiping themselves correctly – it is probably the smell of their pets from their house that is getting you. Our neighbors have rabbits and guinea pigs that they let run all over the house, and I can’t abide the smell in there. So if you can somehow get hold of their clothes and wash them? You might be okay.

Or, seriously, say you just discovered a head lice infestation and tell them to get a hotel.

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