21 Nov
Psycho: This Time It’s The Mother-in-Law

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My mother-in-law is a psycho.  She wants to spend time with my kids, but she uses the time at our house to tear through their closets and throw away baby clothes that I have saved while also telling my kids what a bad housekeeper I am.

My house is pretty clean, but she points out any little thing I’ve missed. The kids are usually miserable and tell me everything she’s said about me. She’s also super religious, but has been divorced five times, so I really don’t want any of her advice on anything.

Is there a way to cut her out of our lives without moving to another state?  I read you every day and love your advice.

Thanks,

Norma Bates’ Daughter-in-Law

_________________________

Dear NB’s Daughter-in-Law,

I applaud your optimism in thinking that moving to another state would put a stop to your mother-in-law.  Unless, of course, you mean one of the   non-contiguous states, in which case you may stand a chance.  But since you want to stay put, let’s table that move to Alaska for now.

The solution to your situations rests in using your mother-in-law’s powers for good (i.e. babysitting and cleaning) while minimizing her potential for evil (destroying your property and er…talking to your children.)

I’m not going to tell you how to get rid of her and not just because The Mouthy lawyers are breathing down my neck.  But besides such “legal technicalities,” I think that kids benefit from having a relationship with their grandparents.  Even wacky ones.  Is it possible that your children are miserable because they are “caught in the middle?”  If so, let them know that it is okay to love their grandmother even if you (and they) do not agree with the things she does and says.  Unless you think that your mother-in-law’s behavior is poisoning your children against you, try these steps.

Step One:  Talk to  your husband.  I don’t know what’s going on, but some men get touchy when you try to eliminate members of their family behind their backs. Although, if you got rid of your husband, the mother-in-law would probably follow, so it’s something to think about. Especially if you took Kardashian vows.  Discuss your concerns with your husband and get his feedback. If it is of the grunt-shrug-oh, she’s my mother! variety, let him know about Step Two.

Step Two: Talk to your mother-in-law.  Tell her that you appreciate her help, but that you need to have some ground rules so that everything runs more smoothly.  Ask her to agree that you and she will not discuss each other with the children.  You know, because you’re adults.

Let her know that you don’t want her getting rid of any of your things. It’s a little insane that you even have to say this, but do it.  Ask her if she’s willing to help you with some domestic projects while she’s watching the kids.  If she is, give her something to do: organize the linen closet, polish the silver, dust the Mona Lisa, that kind of thing.

Step Three: If the first two steps don’t work, stop asking her to babysit. If she comes over uninvited, limit her visit to half an hour or so, while you are around.  Make sure you are within earshot and tackle any issues as they come up head-on.

After a few weeks of Step Three, try repeating Steps One and Two again.

Hopefully, thanks to your fancy footwork, things will be smoother.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

11 Responses to “Psycho: This Time It’s The Mother-in-Law”

11.21.11#1

Comment by danielle.

You are being really nice and mature about the situation. I’m a confrontational personality so I would have put a stop to this behaviour a long time ago. Tell her to stop or she won’t see the kids. Also, tell your husband to grow a pair and make his mother behave. She’s a bully, I don’t deal with bullies.

11.21.11#2

Comment by Plano Mom.

This is a very loving a kind way of dealing with psycho. While I’m all for it, just be prepared that it will take about as long to change Psycho-MIL as it does to break any nasty habit of immature people-about as long as it takes to get your kids to clean up after themselves.

11.21.11#3

Comment by Karin.

ah.. family – my *favorite* part of the holidays! Well, it’s the best and the worst part of the holidays…

11.21.11#4

Comment by Patty.

My late grandmother would buy lovely clothes for my sister and me. However, before we grew out of them or wore them out, she would grab them and give them to one of her friends for HER daughter. The capper came the time our family came back from a two-week vacation and found our closets and drawers virtually emptied. My mother flipped out and accused my sister of selling her raincoat (!).

Seriously, if Grandma wants to babysit, it has to be in HER home, and if she is in the poster’s, only when the poster or her husband is there. You don’t want to think of the kids going naked while someone has to make an emergency trip to Wal-Mart.

11.22.11#5

Comment by Kelly.

Marinka is spot on. I’d encourage you to make efforts to spend time with your MIL on neutral turf. If she asks why you never invite her over, respond nicely that you don’t want to subject her to your standard of housekeeping. Stick to your guns. This woman has no boundaries! Good luck! And, PS, if you moved far away, she’d probably be an insufferable house guest a few times a year, so that might not be better!

11.26.11#6

Comment by Cate8.

Be thankful it’s your M-I-L with me it is my own Mommy…..ugh!!!!!I will never be good enough,

karena milford Reply:

Amen cate, amen. Except I’ve got both, the mother and the MIL.

01.04.12#7

Comment by My Sister-In-Law Has A Cold So She's Calling The Cops On My Husband! | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] her real issue, it’s important for you to communicate your limits to her. The in-law relationship can be fragile and difficult so it’s important to proceed with caution… Especially in this case. You need to state clearly and directly that if she is angry with your […]

05.09.12#8

Comment by Hands Off My Mother-In-Law, She's Mine! | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] here’s an interesting twist on the ol’ Mother-In-Law issue!  She’s not mean or snoopy. She doesn’t poop while holding your baby. She doesn’t smell. She’s just hanging out with […]

07.30.12#9

Comment by thank you for not smoking around my baby. you're not smoking, right? | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] the baby comes. Mostly because it will be about two years before your little one can tattle on his grandparents. On the upside, he’ll really wow his toddler friends by knowing how to say words like […]

01.17.13#10

Comment by The Inappropriate Mother-in-Law | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] make a long story short, my mother-in-law has long history of ignoring personal boundaries. On multiple occasions she has tried to convert […]

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