Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a sister-in-law, whom I fondly refer to as “the sacred cow.” I call her this because she expects the world to treat her like royalty, but she sure as hell ain’t no princess. She’s a pain in the ass who maintains a house that is fit only for Salmonella to live in. She’s a miserable person who only speaks to me when she needs something, such as a babysitter or someone to help her clean her house because she’s due to have another baby in a few days.
Unfortunately, until my husband’s brother wises up and boots her out of his house, she’s technically family. So what will get rid of her faster, strange men’s boxers under the front seat of her car or a tiny pair of thongs under the seat of his car? Or, hey, maybe boxers under his car seat? What do you think?
Must Dump the Sister-in-Law ASAP
Dear Must Dump the Sister-in-Law ASAP,
The institution of marriage must really have a good PR company because all I ever heard about marriage growing up was… glass slippers, Prince Charmings and happily ever after. Nobody ever mentioned that Prince Charming had a pain in the arse sister-in-law.
As if we all don’t have enough crazy family members, we then go ahead and get married and acquire a whole new batch of nut case relatives. It can almost make a girl long to be single again. So I completely understand your desire to sabotage your brother-in-law’s marriage in order to rid yourself of this faux princess.
However, your ideas so far would be a waste of a perfectly good pair of boxers or thong because divorce is a sticky, ugly business. And since they have children, she will never really be out of the picture. In fact, she’ll probably still be asking you to babysit when it’s her night to take the kids.
You need to figure out a way to improve the situation. (I know, I know… I promised I would tell you how to lose her in 10 days but this is real life, not some sappy Kate Hudson movie.)
One option is to talk to either her directly or to your brother-in-law about the problem. Or maybe family members could hold an intervention with her if they’re having similar problems with her behavior. Or just maybe it’s time to get creative and do something different – like ask your sister-in-law to go get a mani/pedi with you or grab a drink when the husbands are both at home with the kids. Sometimes miserable people forget to be nasty when someone is suddenly nice to them.
And as for her next birthday or anniversary present – obviously a professional cleaning of her house is the the only gift she needs.