Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I feel like three tons of sh*t today. Meaning, I have a cold, my head hurts, my eyes are about to fall out of my head, I’ve been in the bathroom for hours with a trash can in front of me because heaven forbid my yuckies come out of only one end!
My questions is: Should I be upset because my wonderful, loving husband (who gave me the damn crud to begin with) just texted asking if we could do the ‘Horizontal Nasty’? My mind is blown! We’ve been together for 17 years and have three kids so he knows what ugly looks like, but he got upset when I texted back, ‘REALLY?! Um, NO!” So am I wrong for not feeling sexy with snot and assorted yuckies everywhere?
Snot Nosed Brat (according to my husband)
Dear Snot Nosed Brat,
Hold on a sec, hon—-just need to spray some Lysol on my computer and rub some Purell on my hands before I answer your question. I mean, thank God I got a flu shot last week because you sound like a bad version of Typhoid Mary right now. And I say that with affection (through the two surgical masks I just put on.)
Now, do I think you’re wrong for not wanting to have sex with your husband when you’re leaking out of every orifice? Hell, yes I do! A wife’s purpose is to serve her man NO MATTER WHAT. Wasn’t that in your marriage vows? “To love, honor, cherish and do the horizontal nasty with even when you have the Swine Flu and may die in a puddle of your own mucus”? I know it was in my vows, but then again, I got married in Nevada. Even monkeys can get married in Nevada.
But you should also be super proud of yourself that your husband still finds you sexy when you’re digusting. Most husbands would just throw a blanket on top of their sick wife and head out of town for a few days, but hey—you’re hot enough to make your husband wanna hit that head cold. Kudos, Sicko!
So I say that what you need to do is call your husband over to your death bed and ask him to wipe the crusty boogers off your cheek. Then hock up loogie, pass some gas and huskily croak, “Get on top and ride me before I have diarrhea again, cowboy. Yeeehaw!”
You’ll be left to recover in peace for as long as you need.