24 Aug
Why Buy The Cow If You’re Lactose Intolerant?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a  21 year old woman and  got married 25 days ago ( we were engaged for 2 and a half months.)  We have not had sex even once.  I just don’t have any feelings towards him and can’t seem to get turned on.

In my defence he does not seem to get turned on by me that much either.  We are both nice looking, not hideous and straight.   I just dont know why there’s no chemistry in this relationship.

Otherwise he’s a great guy and is a very loving husband.  What do you think I should do?   I did try the lingerie and all that other stuff but I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him.  I don’t want to be divorced,but I am not going to live in a sexless marriage! I am still a virgin.

Signed,

Married Without Sex

_________________________________________________

Dear Married Without Sex,

I now know exactly how Joe Biden felt when he was debating Sarah Palin in the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate. Where do I begin?

You married someone for whom you have no sexual feelings.  I suppose the good news is that the lack of these feelings is mutual.  But I have to ask: were there no hints during your courtship that there was no chemistry between the two of you?  Did you realize before the wedding that you thought of this man as a friend and not as a sexual partner?

Please know that there are plenty of non-hideous, wonderful people who are not attracted to each other. These people can be great friends, but they probably shouldn’t get married. At least not to each other.

You should talk to your husband, in the presence of a therapist, to discuss your  lack of sexual feelings towards each other, and how you both feel about the marriage. Although I personally can’t imagine that an entirely sexless marriage could be happy one, I admit that it does leave a lot of time for things like TV viewing.

Beyond the joint session with your husband, I would also recommend that you speak to a counselor individually in order to get some insight into why you entered this marriage.  You say that your husband is a great guy– you owe it to both of you to address this now.  And not with lingerie, with a diplomas-on-the-wall professional.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

27 Responses to “Why Buy The Cow If You’re Lactose Intolerant?”

08.24.11#1

Comment by Betty Herbert.

Sage advice as ever, Marinka. It sounds like you’ve got yourself into a bit of a pickle (for whatever reason) and you need to take action quickly before this situation becomes the norm.
Sex and being attracted to your husband are not a ‘perk’ of a particular sort of marriage – they’re an absolute essential. It’s a long life, and you deserve to be happy and fulfilled in it. This is not about either of you being attractive enough.
Definitely see a counsellor, but also be willing to walk away if you can’t make this work. Sometimes you just have to put things down to experience.
Good luck. x

Marinka Reply:

Great point, Betty. I think that sometimes people are so afraid of the stigma of divorce that they’re willing to settle for a terrible marriage.

08.24.11#2

Comment by Carla.

I just wonder, is he a virgin as well? If so, maybe it just a severe case of fear of rejection from both of you. Either way, a therapist is a good suggestion.

Emily Reply:

and on that note, if they’re both virgins and they don’t KNOW what they’re missing, perhaps actual sex would spark what their marriage is currently lacking.

08.24.11#3

Comment by Ashley.

Are the couple religious in any way?
As youth grow up in my religion, they are sometimes scared by their youth leaders. They are taught that sexual thought can lead to being ‘impure’. It leads to a lot of furtitave dry humping…
and the kids who are trying very hard to be good actually can be afraid of sex (one day you can’t then magically one day you can. It’s kind of a mind bending experience) But this kind of thought supression can really really screw up your sexuality!!
Got see a therapist, and try to relax! Hopefully you felt love towards your spouse, start fooling around and see where it leads!

Marinka Reply:

I really appreciate this comment because I did not even consider for a moment that religion was part of it.

Renee Reply:

I totally agree with this. I was taught sex was bad for so long when I finally got married I still felt I was sinning even though it was with my husband. plus it made him fell as if there was something wrong with him. It was a rough couple of years but I discovered my “smut” books and realized it was a beautiful and wonderful thing. Now we have two beautiful children and have to sneak away for our “alone” time.

Aubrey Anne Reply:

I have had to overcome this same religious issue. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if this is what’s holding them back! Hopefully they can start to see that not everything is as it was told, and even if it is… that’s over now, and you are free to discover. Start with a vibrator, by yourself. That’s my advice! For what it’s worth.

08.24.11#4

Comment by Jaci.

Is this a religious issue? As in, sex was “wrong” and this huge awful sin all of my life, and now? Meh. I’m not even interested in it.

(I’ve heard that’s becoming more common with the whole Purity Push and Sexual Guilt Trip in Christian culture.)

Either way, speaking with a counselor should help to relieve that stigma and help you get back in touch with your sexual side. And if it has nothing to do with religion–well then, my comment is totally useless. Mea culpa.

08.24.11#5

Comment by Bean.

I’m wondering if the marriage was arranged? I had neighbors who had an arranged marriage, and they said it took a while to feel comfortable enough to be intimate. They ended up with a lovely marriage because they kept working at it. But they’d been prepared, and didn’t expect instant intimacy or intimate feelings.

Emily Reply:

the value in this is that all marriages require work. Even ones where the sex is instant and wonderful.

08.24.11#6

Comment by Brattus Rattus.

I’m still trying to grasp the concept of being a virgin at 21…forget the marriage part.

*shakes head*

Since I was from the school of “I just want to get rid of my virginity and have the sex get good”, maybe this woman is just afraid. I also have never met a straight male that would turn down sex from a virgin or any woman for that matter.

A good talking to each other is definitely in order and like Marinka said – see a shrink. Sex is a wonderful thing and practice makes perfect. It can also make you a bit freaky.

But I digress.

Emily Reply:

Sounds perfectly normal to me, on both accounts.

Definitely agree sex is a wonderful thing and practice makes perfect but I know plenty of people who didn’t just jump onto the whole ‘I just want to get rid of my virginity’ bandwagon – male and female.

as for marrying someone you’re not attracted to.. I think that’s a bigger issue and Marinka hit the nail on the head.

Brattus Rattus Reply:

A married 21 year old virgin sounds normal to you?

You cant be from southern from Cali.

I know more people that wanted to rid themselves of their virginity than keep it. Makes the world go around.

Different strokes and all.

Cheers.

I'm a big ol' b with a captial B! Reply:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolescent_sexuality_in_the_United_States

08.24.11#7

Comment by StephanieG.

My question is this…what caused this marriage? You had no sexual chemistry and a very short engagement. Clearly, there was *something* that brought the two of you together.

Is he kind? Is he funny? Is he a good provider? Did you want to take care of him? What was it exactly that made you want to marry one another?

Concentrate on that and build from there. If you’ve only been married for a month and you were only engaged for a few weeks, you probably barely even know each other.

Maybe you jumped the gun a bit by walking down the aisle before you really knew each other, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy life together.

I wish you the best of luck. Hopefully a year from now, you’ll be too busy in bed to drop us an update.

08.24.11#8

Comment by N and Em's mom.

The has to be more to the story. Who says, “I’m not sexually attracted to you. Let’s get married NOW!” The red flag was thrown for me when she felt the need to say they were both straight. If they don’t have sex, and can’t talk to each other about the lack of sex, how does she know that he is straight? And if she has been attracted to other men in the past, she needs therapy to figure out why she would marry someone who was safe.

Plano Mom Reply:

I have to admit my mind was going the same way, although I was resisting that assumption.

Marie Reply:

I completely agree. Something is a little off here.

08.24.11#9

Comment by Plano Mom.

I’m also wondering how much intimacy is happening right now. There’s so much more to sex than just the deed. Do they hold hands? Who initiates physical contact?

Marinka is spot on that a caring professional can help determine if this is just awkward inexperience or mismatched life expectations.

Marie Reply:

Again, I agree. You hit the nail on the head.

08.24.11#10

Comment by AnnieD.

Is an annulment a possibility? If the marriage hasn’t been consummated then she may not have to worry about the stigma of divorce.

I don’t understand how this marriage came about, like there is a lot of information that was left out. How could you marry someone you weren’t physically attracted to? Haven’t they ever kissed? If you’ve kissed and felt nothing then why would you think you’d be interested in sex?

08.24.11#11

Comment by Meredith L..

I wonder that no one has yet brought up the idea that MWS might just be asexual? (What used to be called “frigid” in women, but men get it too.) It’s certainly not as common as hetero- or even homosexuality, but it exists. Has she ever felt sexual attraction? Has her hubby? If not, they may be in a perfect marriage, one in which expectations on both sides are perfectly understood.

Even still, a counselor can help them both navigate whether one or both of them is asexual and if so, what to do next. And here: http://www.asexuality.org/home/

08.25.11#12

Comment by Please Stand By.

[…] at The Mouthy Housewives, we handled some pressing issues this week, like a call for help from a married virgin, a mom whose son thinks she’s mean for not letting him get high (I got a buzz reading the […]

08.25.11#13

Comment by Penbleth.

Oh dear, if this is real this girl really needs to see someone, with her husband before their whole lives are ruined. A great friend doesn’t have to be a marriage partner, they can stay a great friend and if they need help and encouragement to explore their sexuality together they need to do that. I hope they both get help.

09.13.11#14

Comment by scrambler4201.

Hey- we don’t have sex but I still have no time for tv? How can I make more time for tv? I followed the advice for when your husband is a stupid jerk and I’m still his mom and he doesn’t seem to care that there is no sex (I may have done him a favor). I’m going to start saving to buy a tv for the guest room!

11.30.11#15

Comment by Sex Math | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] couples may find it awkward to have a candid conversation about sex; they expect it to just happen after all, but it’s worth talking […]

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