Today we’re very happy to welcome one of Wendi’s IRL BFFs OMG Maria Escamilla! Maria just started a blog called Postcards From Texas and regularly writes very funny things on there. Well, she does when she’s not at the movies with Wendi yelling, “Boo!” and throwing popcorn at the Glenn Beck ads, anyway. Thank you for your advice today, Maria!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I were married 6 years ago, when we were both in our early 20s and really hot. I had a baby 6 months ago and still have some weight to lose. I don’t feel very hot by any means now.
We’ve always had a great sex life, but I currently have no sex drive for my husband at all. I don’t know if it’s my hormones or what, but I don’t find myself attracted to him. He’s grown a beard and gained about 90 lbs. in the last 18 months. Like I said, I’m not the hottest little thing either, but this is just uncharted territory. Any advice? We’ve only made love a handful since the baby was born.
In a Pickle
Dear In a Pickle,
First of all, congratulations and welcome to the “No Sex Club”! I myself have been a card carrying member for the last 10 years and honey, it ain’t that bad! Accept it. Move On. In fact, move on to Comfort Theme Nights such as: “Snuggle Under Our Matching Snuggies Night” or “Massage My Feet While They Are Resting on Your Belly Night.”
I realize that those aren’t as exciting as newlywed sex games like “The Plumber and the Distressed Housewife” where your husband asks you what number pipe you need inserted into your deep sink. But I’m sorry to say that those games are over for you for about 13 years. Because that’s when your baby will have grown into a sullen teenager who’ll hunker down in his room while you and your husband moan as loud two feral cats in heat. That’s the beauty of teenagers; they don’t give a shit!
You don’t owe it to your husband to give him sex either, especially after you pushed out a baby 6 months ago. You most likely also pushed out any romantic feelings you had for him when you noticed he saw your placenta and all that other gunk that came out of your vagina. Who would feel romantic after that? Let him have his Beard and Belly Teddy Bear phase and in 13 years, here is what you do: start to sign up for marathons, train together, get sweaty together, get gorgeous and fit together, then go have mad sex in a Porta-Potty after running 23 miles. It will be such a high, you won’t even believe you two used to be in the “No Sex Club.”
Good luck girl!
Maria Escamilla, Guest TMH