16 Feb
Weekend Wars

Today’s valiant Valentine is the indomitable TwoBusy! (Indomitable is a synonym for “adorable curmudgeon,” right?)

You may TwoBusy from his blue exoskeleton on Twitter, or perhaps you read his amazing, eloquent personal blog, or even his posts at DadCentric. Oh, what’s that? You’re not familiar with TwoBusy at all, but have heard rumors about his amazing head of hair? GET IN LINE SISTER. Regardless, he’s here today to offer up some gems that will leave you feeling…unsettled. Take it away, lobster! –Kristine

 

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I love my husband. I really do. But the weekends can be so stressful when he is at home instead of at work. The house is always a mess, he’s got a million projects going, the kids are insane, and I never feel like I can get a handle on any of it. It’s like a crazy free-for-all. I try to go with the flow but I end up turning into the cranky, not-fun-at-all-wife. Any thoughts on making the weekends easier for all of us?

Signed,
Weekend Warrior

___________________________________________

Dear Weekend Warrior,

I could try to talk you off the ledge with some kind of tender and thoughtful advice like “Dude… you MUST CHILL” or “have a conversation with your husband in which you suggest some strategies on how he can re-insert himself (heh) into your weekend lives without blowing the hell out of everything” or “maybe you could try taking a half-step back from the situation and realize that sometimes it’s okay to let a little chaos flow into your life”… but really: we both know that would be a waste of time. Because CLEARLY: this is all your husband’s fault and you’ll need to take definitive steps to address the problem.

Start by taking out a massive life insurance policy on your husband (seven figures, minimum). Make it clear that he’ll need to schedule all related broker meetings and health exams on weekends. Obviously! : -)

(I just made an emoticon to show how easy and pleasurable this will be!)

Then, after the policy is finalized, tell him that because you’re a totally-fun-and-not-at-all-cranky wife, you’d like him to do something nice for himself, like take a weekend golf/hunting/gambling/seal clubbing expedition with some of his old college buddies. Because he’s been working so hard! And because when he’s not working he’s in the way! Hahahahaha! See? It’s all in good fun! More emoticons! : -)

Then, on the night before he leaves on his trip, go out to the garage and carefully cut the brake lines on his car. There’s probably a helpful Wikipedia entry on how to do it, and because the internet offers nothing but good advice, you can rest assured that by following those simple directions you’ll be doing the right thing.

You’ll then be free to enjoy most of the next (weekend) day in blissfully calm, husband-free circumstances… until you get a phone call! From the police! That your husband’s car mysteriously wouldn’t stop and so he went off the edge of a cliff (just like Wile E. Coyote in the old Roadrunner cartoons. Feel free to use this metaphor with your kids so they can understand how much fun they’re having) and then exploded like every car in every Michael Bay movie ever. And don’t forget – this is important – to act surprised when you get the call. Here’s a helpful emoticon to help you know how to react:

:-0

After you hang up, it’s time to pop the champagne! By mid-summer, you’ll be made in the shade: clean house, calm kids, you returned to your natural not-at-all-cranky-or-not-fun self, and all of you free at last to enjoy your weekends in style thanks to your winnings… I mean, seven-figure insurance policy settlement. Time for another emoticon! : -)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Your pal,
TwoBusy

Editor’s note: 4 out of 5 Mouthy Housewives disapprove of murder.

19 Responses to “Weekend Wars”

02.16.12#1

Comment by Brett Minor.

That would solve her problem. And it would be a permanent solution. Way to go TwoBusy! You went above and beyond.

Do you have any advice for when her kids start to get too loud?

TwoBusy Reply:

Repeat the process above with husband #2, and then send the (mouthy) kids off to boarding school.

Obviously.

02.16.12#2

Comment by Cheryl.

My Diet Coke spontaneously erupted from its bottle when it saw those emoticons. Trust me, those aren’t going to help her get away with anything. I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know she’ll be in the slam by day’s end. 🙁

(I see Shearwater has a really strong hold on you these days.)

TwoBusy Reply:

Why yes, it certainly does.

02.16.12#3

Comment by Marinka.

Great advice, Ben! But what about some of us who live in the city and don’t drive?

Talking it out seems a bit out there for me.

TwoBusy Reply:

Then you RENT a car for him.

“Here, honey… I hooked you up with a 2003 Dodge Stratus for the weekend! Because I love you! And yeah, I see what you mean. I think it’s an oil leak. We’ll just tell the rental car company about it AFTER YOU GET BACK.”

::end scene::

02.16.12#4

Comment by Meredith L..

But…WHICH IS THE MOUTHY HOUSEWIFE WHO APPROVES OF MURDER???

Anyway, I would like to let the letter-writer know that this is why bedroom doors have locks, and if necessary, deadbolts, chains, and security bars: so on Friday nights you can lock yourself in and say, “See you losers on Monday.”

Kristine Reply:

I’d tell you, but we all promised Tonya we wouldn’t say anything!

TwoBusy Reply:

Let’s not get all judgy here. We’re not talking about murder; we’re discussing aggressively violent self-defense. For large sums of money.

Meredith L. Reply:

I guess I’ll just never know.

Cate8 Reply:

The editor’s note was the funniest part. 4 out of 5…

02.16.12#5

Comment by Plano Mom.

But…. aren’t weekends actually for no control? Quite personally I relish the 48 hours (okay, realistically it’s 24) that I do not have to nag, plead, threaten, or generally be a good example and a responsible parent. I can allow the chance that cavities, obesity, and sleep disorders, and total slobaciousness just might completely take over our lives and lead us to fame on a season premiere of Hoarders.

TwoBusy Reply:

My name is TwoBusy, and I approve this message.

02.16.12#6

Comment by Just Me.

I think the wife should take a part-time weekend-only job. She can avoid the not-fun craziness of the weekend, and with her extra income, she can hire someone to help out with all of his projects, or a counselor for the insane kids.

Marinka Reply:

Love this idea. A part time job! At a spa! As a customer!

02.16.12#7

Comment by jade.

this is why mommy stays medicated and drunk all weekend..but that insurance policy is so tempting…

TwoBusy Reply:

And just think of how much booze and medication that insurance money could buy. It’s a total win-win.

02.17.12#8

Comment by Ace.

this week has been fun and everything, but I miss Marinka.

02.19.12#9

Comment by thedoseofreality.

It’s all fun and games until she needs someone to go into the attic and she finds out that money can’t climb rickety stairs and carry down Christmas decorations!
Seriously, though, everything about this just made me laugh so hard I almost spit out my coffee. I just spent the first half an hour of my morning (before I even had coffee, GASP!) cleaning up from the “fun” that was had by my husband and children this morning so I could sleep in! Can’t decide if it was worth it yet.
Ashley
http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2011/11/10/why-chromosomes/

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