Today’s valiant Valentine is the indomitable TwoBusy! (Indomitable is a synonym for “adorable curmudgeon,” right?)
You may TwoBusy from his blue exoskeleton on Twitter, or perhaps you read his amazing, eloquent personal blog, or even his posts at DadCentric. Oh, what’s that? You’re not familiar with TwoBusy at all, but have heard rumors about his amazing head of hair? GET IN LINE SISTER. Regardless, he’s here today to offer up some gems that will leave you feeling…unsettled. Take it away, lobster! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I love my husband. I really do. But the weekends can be so stressful when he is at home instead of at work. The house is always a mess, he’s got a million projects going, the kids are insane, and I never feel like I can get a handle on any of it. It’s like a crazy free-for-all. I try to go with the flow but I end up turning into the cranky, not-fun-at-all-wife. Any thoughts on making the weekends easier for all of us?
Dear Weekend Warrior,
I could try to talk you off the ledge with some kind of tender and thoughtful advice like “Dude… you MUST CHILL” or “have a conversation with your husband in which you suggest some strategies on how he can re-insert himself (heh) into your weekend lives without blowing the hell out of everything” or “maybe you could try taking a half-step back from the situation and realize that sometimes it’s okay to let a little chaos flow into your life”… but really: we both know that would be a waste of time. Because CLEARLY: this is all your husband’s fault and you’ll need to take definitive steps to address the problem.
Start by taking out a massive life insurance policy on your husband (seven figures, minimum). Make it clear that he’ll need to schedule all related broker meetings and health exams on weekends. Obviously! : -)
(I just made an emoticon to show how easy and pleasurable this will be!)
Then, after the policy is finalized, tell him that because you’re a totally-fun-and-not-at-all-cranky wife, you’d like him to do something nice for himself, like take a weekend golf/hunting/gambling/seal clubbing expedition with some of his old college buddies. Because he’s been working so hard! And because when he’s not working he’s in the way! Hahahahaha! See? It’s all in good fun! More emoticons! : -)
Then, on the night before he leaves on his trip, go out to the garage and carefully cut the brake lines on his car. There’s probably a helpful Wikipedia entry on how to do it, and because the internet offers nothing but good advice, you can rest assured that by following those simple directions you’ll be doing the right thing.
You’ll then be free to enjoy most of the next (weekend) day in blissfully calm, husband-free circumstances… until you get a phone call! From the police! That your husband’s car mysteriously wouldn’t stop and so he went off the edge of a cliff (just like Wile E. Coyote in the old Roadrunner cartoons. Feel free to use this metaphor with your kids so they can understand how much fun they’re having) and then exploded like every car in every Michael Bay movie ever. And don’t forget – this is important – to act surprised when you get the call. Here’s a helpful emoticon to help you know how to react:
After you hang up, it’s time to pop the champagne! By mid-summer, you’ll be made in the shade: clean house, calm kids, you returned to your natural not-at-all-cranky-or-not-fun self, and all of you free at last to enjoy your weekends in style thanks to your winnings… I mean, seven-figure insurance policy settlement. Time for another emoticon! : -)
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Editor’s note: 4 out of 5 Mouthy Housewives disapprove of murder.