Comment by vodka tonic.

As the woman who has been cheated on, I assure you that I felt like the biggest BOOB when everything unraveled, and it turned out all my friends and even vague acquaintances knew. I mean, they would run into my (ex-) husband at the bar with other women, helped him (unsuccessfully) find his lost wedding ring at the end of one drunken night, saw him leave with other women in his car. After we separated, he started dating (and living with) a mutual friend (and coworker of mine). I had no idea. She would be sitting one cubicle over, while I was talking to my divorce lawyer. I felt like such a fool. I wasted so much time and energy on him. I wish someone would’ve said something. It was finally one of those vague acquaintances that called me one day, and told me everything. The silence ruined so many of my friendships. It’s not that every single friendship was destroyed, but they were damaged. I lost so much trust and respect in those friendships, and they have never been the same. They never will be the same. I think I grieved more about that, than I did about him.
So if you can be that vague acquaintance that gives the tip-off, go for it. When you don’t know the truth, sometimes it feels like you’re the one that’s going crazy. Knowledge is power.

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Comment by Betty Herbert.

Vodka Tonic, he sounds like a shit. Truly. And your good friends should have told you, no question. How hideous all that must have been for you.

The problem is, though, that I Know and You Don’t doesn’t seem to know the wife very well. There’s a big chance the wife won’t even believe her. I also think it would be heartbreaking to hear this news from a near-stranger.

I wonder if it’s possible to tell a friend who’s closer to the wife, and see what she thinks?

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Comment by knowitallnanna.

Be prepared for her to hate you and stay with him.

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Comment by melanie.

while I love 99% of Kelcey’s advice, please please puleeze don’t send the anonymous note. The poor girl will then
obsess about who it came from, and the
rat-fink husband will have the benefit of the doubt. Trust me. If you are truly absolutely sure, you need to speak to her
directly. But then your husband still has to work with him and he’ll know it was you, so make sure he’s on board. Yeesh.

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Comment by ERIN I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

I’m going to have an unpopular viewpoint, I fear. If this were a classic case of friend’s husband banging someone who isn’t his wife, I’d say to sing like a bird, realizing you might lose your friend but spare her dignity. However, this is not that case. This is not just a friend. This is your husband’s employee who is in question? That sounds like it could get really messy for your husband – the boss – should this douchebag decide to deny your accusations. I’m not a lawyer, but this feels like it could be treading on employee-employer relationship boundaries. If your husband ever needs to let him go, this personal indiscretion could become something this guy uses as ammunition. What do your husband feel comfortable with?

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Comment by Wendi.

I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, either, but what do we all think about the letter writer telling the husband, “You tell her or I will?”

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Comment by ziggyzabel.

I agree with speaking to someone who is better friends with this woman – assuming you know that she isn’t the mistress and can be trusted, it would be awful to confide in a gossip and spread rumors.
If there is such a person, it would solve all the problems – your conscience is clear, the wife knows, a close friend is there for her, and employer/employee relationships are removed from the equation.
I’m also against the anonymous note – that seems like something a pissed off mistress would do.
Also against a note to the husband – it could work, but maybe more covert ops isn’t really what this situation calls for.

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Comment by Melissa.

I think the best idea would be the random letter, but I would most likely use a new email address I made so that the poor woman can ask questions and you can decide to write her back and answer them or not.

The only thing I don’t understand is the tip toeing around, this angers me because I like so many have had someone cheat on me and I just can’t see why people should pick up for or protect the cheater. Yes the woman could get mad at other people for knowing etc and may even get back with the man but it all ends in the most likely in the end that she leaves him and feels better for knowing and getting out of it!

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Comment by Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up).

I once had a friend, not a great one, who told me she was getting divorced. Because i had been hearing for quite some time what a scum bag her husband was, i said “it’s about fucking time”. She asked why and i said that he’d had apparently been a dick for a long time. She didn’t know that.

Her good friends had never told her and nobody else wanted to either. She was devastated that her friends didn’t tell her and by the way, it was pretty damn awkward that i was the one who did..but you know what?

People need to know…i’d tell her.

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Comment by K-Line.

I’d stay the he’ll out of this. I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to give this info. Relationships are v. complicated and I think, in most instances, should not be interfered with. Just my 2 cents…

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Comment by Marinka.

This is why I’m getting rid of all my friends.

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Comment by Plano Mom.

You neither volunteer the information nor do you back off from the truth. If she asks you, you tell her what you have heard. If she doesn’t, you only volunteer what you have seen or know without a doubt. And even then you place it with exactly what you know, “Was that Joe I saw at the disco with your niece? I thought she was a brunette.”

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Comment by amy.

I think in her shoes I would do the anonymous note or bogus email addy. It would at least get the wife questioning her husbands behavior and perhaps confronting him.

I also think YOU confronting her puts your hubby in a shitty position as you have no idea what is going to go down. It is he that will have to see him on a day to day basis, not you.

Back in the teen years I dated a real slut. I questioned my best friend if she thought he was screwing around. She said, and I will never forget, “Amy, he asked ME to sleep with him!”

Oy. Thanks for bringing it up in a timely fashion dear friend.

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Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

A few years ago, my best friend got together with a boy she had met through a chatline. She was so thrilled about it, that she actually convinced me to subscribe to the same chatline.
I met him a couple of weeks after the get-together, and he immediately started flirting with me. It was way embarassing, I can tell you, especially since she would believe in him even if the truth was staring her in the face. He would write me e-mails, chat with me in that chatline (where he kept the same profile, saying he was free and looking for an open-minded woman. What exactly did he mean with “open-minded”?), but he told her he did, so it seemed harmless to her.
Eventually he became too insistent on me and I told her, I even forwarded her one of his emails to me, because she was my best friend and I didn’t think she deserved a guy like that.
The result of this is that she told me I was exaggerating, and he meant no harm. He was pissed instead, and withdrew from me, but from then on he lost no opportunity to diss me in front of her, to diminish her trust in me.
He succeeded in this at last, but still I was determined that she know about his infidelity, so after a very long while I went for the anonymous mail, sent from a fake address… and you know what? The spooky guy had her password and intercepted my mail, he answered it asking for more information, I immediately recognised his style… :-O so I sent my answer to this in her work mail address, that she could know he intercepted her emails, and they finally split up… but what a mess!!! And in the meantime, our friendship was ruined forever.

All of this to tell you that SOME women just don’t want to believe they are being cheated on, and will do whatever they can to deny it, while other women (and I hope they are the majority) just can’t accept such behavior.
Also, when you interfere in such matters, you tread a very delicate ground and, intending to do good, you might end up being treated like the bad guy…

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Comment by Been ther done that.

I have been cheated on by my husband of 15 years, and the only way I found out was that someone left a note for the sluts husband and he confronted his wife, slugged my husband and then he (the sluts husband) came to my work and broke the bad news to me!
Come to find out, lots of people had an idea something was going on an NO ONE told me! I couldn’t believe no one had said not one thing to me, even my sister in law.
I wish someone had told me something! I felt like an idiot, they had been having an afair for over a year.
We went to counseling and worked out our issues and have now been married for 25 years! God only knows what would have happen had someone not told what they knew!

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Comment by Dawn.

She is going to feel crappy no matter what- but in most cases I think if she is asking about the issue- she knows- she just needs confirmation- if you can give her the confirmation- do it, but only if you know for sure!! I mean for sure!! If a woman is asking about it- in most cases her intuition knows- so why make her suffer any longer— now what she does with that information is entirely up to her- so don’t be mad if she chooses to stay, ignore it, or ignore you. She is an adult and it is her choice.

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Comment by Morgan.

If I were you, I’d confront the guy first and give him 48 hours to confess to his wife…if he doesn’t, I’d go to the woman. Why don’t women want to rat out the man?? She’ll end up staying with the guy anyway—he’ll use his manipulation skills and play victim…but, it’s better to be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie and she can make a conscious decision about her future if she’s made aware of what her husband’s been doing behind her back.

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Comment by Ace.

Different situation, but I became friends with my best [guy] friend’s girlfriend. Unfortunately, she told me all about her escapades with male strippers, sleeping with guys from her school, etc. When I finally told him And he confronted her about it, she spent a year convincing him that I made it all up because I was in live with him. I lost him as a friend for what felt like a very long time, but when he finally figured out on his own that it was the truth (hurray for STDs!), we were finally able to be friends again.

That had little to do with anything… Talking about it face to face might help, or the anonymous email is a good idea too, so she can email the “teller” and ask questions. Be prepared for the husband to be the kind to be checking his spouse’s email though. People who get away with cheating suddenly get paranoid that – oh god, I’ve got away wit it for 2 years and SHE could be doing the same thing! People suck.

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