There is an ‘I’ in Marriage
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Lately my husband seems to be stuck in a self-centered world. I go out of my way to do things for him, but I have to practically start World War 3 before he’ll do one little thing for me. The perfect example: Last night I felt sick but I still got up to make him three grilled cheese sandwiches. About 30 minutes later, my stomach felt better so I asked if he would make me a sandwich. He said, “Not this time, I really have to get my homework done.” Then he continued to sit on his duff watching TV for another 15-20 minutes.
He used to be a caring individual. How do I get rid of the self-centered jerk and get back the thoughtful man I married?
Signed,
Short End of the Marriage Stick
_______________________________________________________
Dear Short End,
Your situation makes me angry and when you combine anger with PMS, you get a very dangerous Mouthy Housewife. So watch out, people! I usually channel my powers for good and not evil, but today I’m digging out my red-horned headband and playing devil’s advocate.
If you can get up to make a meal for me when you’re sick, why in hell should I make one for you when you’re feeling better?
Do you now see the insanity of your actions? You’re demonstrating a lack of self-respect when you feel ill but get up to make a meal for someone fully capable of feeding himself. And then you turn around and ask him to cook for you when you’re feeling better? You’re playing the Game of Wifely Martyrdom and I must inform you that no one ever wins it. (Spoiler alert! All players die a persecuted death.)
Stop going out of your way to do things for your husband. I know what you are thinking: Heather played devil’s advocate too well and has lost sight of all things holy, such as conventional marital wisdom! But hear me out. There are those who do things for their spouse because they love them, and there are some who do things for their spouse because they expect something in return. The latter will get your marriage nowhere but to that persecuted death.
I suggest you go out of your way to do things for yourself. Feeling sick? Go out of your way to take care of yourself. Feel like cooking? Go out of your way to find a meal that sounds delicious to you, cook it and share it your husband. Feeling bored? Go out of your way to find something fun to do and your husband can join you. Or not. You’re having fun either way. I won’t guarantee your husband will magically transform back into a caring individual, but the focus isn’t to change him anyway. (Spoiler alert #2! Changing others never works.) Focus on changing yourself instead.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
12 Responses to “There is an ‘I’ in Marriage”
Comment by Albug.
I agree. I’ve been married for 41 years, my advice to young married women is always, make yourself happy first, be a strong self-sufficient woman, live a true loving life, communicate honestly and lovingly and be tolerant. This comes from 41 years of trial and error, and I don’t always follow my own advice. However, I’ve found by making myself happy, the rest is usually pretty easy. I can truly state we are happier now than we were 20 years ago, but our marriage is and always will be “a work in process”.
Albug
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Comment by StephanieG.
I read yesterday that you should never kiss the butt of the guy who is pooping on you. Sounds to me like that’s what’s happening. Take care of yourself first, because I don’t think he’s going to be doing it for you.
That’s 12 years of marital wisdom speaking….
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Heather, TMH Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 10:57 am
Stephanie, you read that in Proverbs, didn’t you?
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Comment by annie.
I’m with Heather on this one. I’m still not clear on why, after you felt better, you needed him to make you a sandwich.
My guess is after he said no, you were in a horrible mood, feeling sorry for yourself and he didn’t even notice. I suspect the only one who had their night ruined was you?
It’s not worth it. Don’t feel well? Go take a bath or curl up with a book. If knows how to cook even a little, and he’s hungry, he’ll figure it out. Life’s more fun if you spend less time holding grudges.
I haven’t been married 41 yrs but I have been married 17. It’s been a good 17 yrs of give AND take. I highly recommend it.
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Comment by dusty earth mother.
Only been married for ten years, but totally agree that the wifely martydom act (even if unintentionally played out, as I did for a long time) never ever works. When you’re sick, stay in bed and let him fend for himself. But in a loving way, not a “screw you, it’s MY time” way, because that just makes you a nasty sickie.
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Comment by JubanMama.
I haven’t even been married for five years yet, but even I know this one.
My husband and I spent the whole first year of our dating life long-distance. That meant we HAD to build a solid foundation based on communication, or else things got really bad. Since we couldn’t read body language and we didn’t see each other every day, it was imperative for us to learn how to express our needs – including how to fight properly, or else it was just too easy to avoid that nightly phone call we had.
It’s so much easier to say the words, “I really don’t feel well enough to make grilled cheese right now,” than it is to get up and make THREE of them while you feel crappy.
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Comment by Kimberly.
He eats 3 grilled cheese sandwiches at once?
Anyway. I’m glad I read this one and the comments because I’m guilty of the same pimp behavior.
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Comment by Steph.
Ditto to what everyone else is saying. (Almost 8 years of marriage here.) I’d also point out that even if he can’t cook, he’s certainly capable of making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Or a bowl of cereal.
If he’s not even capable of that, it never killed anyone to miss ONE meal. And hunger is a good motivation for someone to learn to cook. (That’s my “mom” side talking there.)
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Comment by Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole.
Excellent advice! Don’t be afraid to wear that red-horned headband more often, Heather. It’s working for you.
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Comment by Nilzed.
It’s all true and not the first time the Housewives have caught what I would have missed. I would have been all over his sorry behavior and completely let her slide on the poor pitiful me situation she created for herself.
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Comment by Average Jane.
Let’s not persecute the woman for throwing a pity-party just yet. My husband has been known to do the same thing. Whilst pregnant, I ask my husband(who is already in the kitchen)for a cup of tea – and he has a temper tantrum about having to do everything for me. Not an hour later, when I decide to take a little trip to Starbucks, he asks me if I will pick him up a Mocha-ccino. To which I reply, “Haaaiiiil NO I won’t pick you up a mocha-f’in-ccino! And P.S. where’s my cup of tea?” The moral of the story is just have sex with him and he will think you are a Goddess again.
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Desperate Dietwives Reply:
January 7th, 2011 at 2:57 pm
WOW Albug!!!
I totally agree with you and Heather.
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