06 Oct
The Wedding of My Dreams is Turning into a Nightmare!

We’ve got another guest Mouthy Housewife joining us today! This time, The Mouthy Housewives welcome the lovely Megan Anderson of Rad Megan: In Words and Pictures. Megan is a craft blogger and all-around rockstar, and I love her despite the fact that she makes my family craft hour look like bathroom graffiti at the state penitentiary. (THANKS MEGAN.) Her blog hosts a pirate’s bounty worth of crafting, cooking, and gardening ideas.

Rad Megan Art of Craft Photography

And just recently, Megan created an online tutorial that guides you through the art of craft photography, so it looks like there might be hope for the rest of us!

Today, she’s got some insight for a bride-to-be that is competing for the attention of her soon-to-be groom with her in-laws. Take it away, Megan! –Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My fiancé  and I wanted a private wedding ceremony this fall, but his parents found out and were extremely upset. They tried guilting him into involving at least their family, completely disregarding our wishes for a wedding we are paying for. Thankfully he has somewhat fended for us, but he did so by lying to them, telling his family that we are not getting married until next summer with a “traditional” wedding. (But the truth is that we’re just going to go through with it without telling anyone.)

Cue more problems. Our secret wedding is next month and everything was looking well until his vacation time had the possibility of being obliterated. He told his supervisor that he really needs the time off, but refuses to tell them that it’s due to us getting married because…wait for it…his dad works at the same company! I get that he wants to not upset his family until after we’ve already gone through with it, but I find it pretty ridiculous that he feels he can’t fight for his vacation. He seems more concerned about their feelings than the possibility all our wedding plans may get royally screwed.

He tells me I’m overreacting, but I don’t know. We are starting a family, and yet it feels it is being somewhat controlled by his family. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Sidelined Bride

__________________________________________

Dear Sidelined Bride,

Congrats on your upcoming nuptials! As someone who eloped in Hawaii, I understand the allure of a low-cost/low-stress “private” wedding ceremony. I also appreciate how challenging it can be when the family gets wind of the plans and then tries to change them. From their point of view, a wedding is a day to be shared with loved ones. From yours, it’s an intimate, private occasion. Your fiancé’s point of view is…well…what, exactly? I’m sure you two are both stoked about starting your lives together, but if he’s waffling about taking time off to get married, we’ve got a wee issue.

Would the Princess Bride have been the romantic cinematic benchmark it was if Westley had said, “As long as it’s ok with my parents” instead of “As you wish?”

I’m not saying your fiancé needs to prove his love by bowing to your every request, but I think you two need to be on the same page when it comes to the kind of wedding you are actually having. I’m guessing that if he lied to his family and said there would be a traditional wedding next summer, a teeny weenie part of him WANTS that. While it is your day, “mawwage” is full of compromise; so understanding what’s really important to the both of you should be laid out on the table before the rings are exchanged. Maybe you guys sneak off and have your quickie ceremony (if that’s what you’re both into) and then plan a family-friendly reception next summer complete with vow-reenactment and Andre the Giant ablaze outside the church. It may feel like the in-laws are pulling the strings, but if you and Westley (or, whatever your fiancé’s name is) are united as a team, everything else will fall into place.

Talk it out, really listen to each other, and have fun storming the castle!

xoxo
Megan, Guest TMH

14 Responses to “The Wedding of My Dreams is Turning into a Nightmare!”

10.06.11#1

Comment by Cindy Lou.

Not only is the advice great, but bonus points for quoting one of my favorite movies of all time!

10.06.11#2

Comment by Wendi.

Great advice. And “Andre the Giant ablaze”? If only.

10.06.11#3

Comment by Kristine.

Nothing turns me on more than a man checking with his Mommy first.

Great advice, Megan!

10.06.11#4

Comment by Plano Mom.

I bowed to my in-laws’ wishes and put together a small ceremony with dinner at home, when I thought our choice was a private ceremony away, just the two of us. Dad was a HUGE influence on his life and actions. While I can’t say that any decisions made because of it were poor, I can say it set up an atmosphere where outside forces had more of an influence on individual decisions than our own consensus as a couple.

That was marriage number one. While we’re still friends, I’m on number two now, and I think like a couple.

10.06.11#5

Comment by Megan.

From one Megan to another, you both need to be on the same page. What matters is what you both want, together. Everyone else should be a secondary consideration.

Megan Reply:

Apologies… the questioner is not, in fact, named Megan. It was the wise respondent – naturally. 🙂

10.06.11#6

Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

You are entitled to make your decisions, but your slighted guests are entitled to be mad. If that’s alright with you, you need to own this and be matter of fact and truthful about it.

I presume you’re choosing this hyper-secretive mode of marriage because you think it will feel more special and intimate, but is it so far…? Doesn’t sound like it.

Good luck!

10.06.11#7

Comment by rojopaul.

My concern here is all the lies. The family is going to FLIP OUT when they find out you’ve gone and got hitched behind their backs and you may be the fall guy (or gal in this case). Do you think hubs will stand up for you or hem and haw and say it’s what you really wanted???

Why not sit everyone down and jointly (with your fiance taking the lead since it’s his family that seems to be having the major problem) and tell them you really want to have a private ceremony just the two of you but you will have a reception for the friends and family at a later date where they can celebrate with you as well? Perhaps you can show a videotape of the wedding. I have a co-worker whose daughter did that and everyone was happy. The couple got their private wedding in Hawaii and the friends and family celebrated a month later with dinner, dancing, etc.

That’s a win-win for both sides. Good luck to you. Families sometimes suck. ha

10.06.11#8

Comment by Tonya.

I follow any advice that includes Westley from Princess Bride. *swoon*

10.06.11#9

Comment by Alexandra.

Why don’t ppl leave the bride and groom ALONE/

Unless they’re footing the bill, they need to keep quiet.

VG Reply:

AGREED!!!!!

10.06.11#10

Comment by Des.

My and my fiance are going to Vegas in a few weeks for our own fun wedding/honeymoon and then a big party back home. Some of our family are disappointed because they want to see us get married. My fiance compromise is that we will let them come party with us at the reception. Good Luck and remember this day is about you two and not anyone else.

10.06.11#11

Comment by Karyn.

My fiancee and I (just got engaged this past weekend!) are definitely going to need to keep these pieces of wisdom in mind when planning our upcoming wedding. His family is HUGE (his mom has two sisters, each with at least two kids; his dad has four siblings, each with at least two or three kids) and mine is very small.

We’ve yet to discuss much about our wedding, but I am personally inclined to a small, intimate gathering – my family thinks we should have a destination wedding. I’m not sure what he wants specifically, however I think that his family will expect a big party since there are SO MANY OF THEM.

I can definitely appreciate the predicament you’re in Sidelined Bride, but I think that you need to discuss this with your fiancee and hear each other out. And while he might tell you right now that whatever you want is what will make him happy, he might be lying through his teeth.

So… grab a bottle of wine and some take-out Chinese, sit down on the couch without the tv on or a computer within reach and talk. If you both agree you want a small, private ceremony for whatever-your-reasons-may-be, then that is the wedding that you should have. If your future-in-laws can’t accept that, it’s a shame.

Perhaps you and your fiancee also need to have a talk with all of your parents and tell them how you want your wedding day to feel. Just keep in mind that if they’re offering to help pay for it, they do have some (albeit a small amount) of say in the matter; but stick to your guns – small weddings have their perks and so do big weddings. Have the wedding you and your fiancee agree upon, and let that be a starting point for your marriage to come.

10.11.11#12

Comment by No-Longer Sidelined Bride.

Wow, thanks for all the amazing feedback! It is very refreshing to have viewpoints from outside the situation. For those few loose ends:
Fiance (we’ll call him J) was actually the one who suggested the small wedding–he doesn’t like crowds and gotta say, the intimacy would be nice and the less we spend on the wedding, the more for the honeymoon! 🙂 (If anything, he may have had to talk it up to me a little bit, but now I love the idea!) After the backlash of us telling them we were doing it on our own, he and I sat down and discussed our options. I was willing to compromise to please his family so we wouldn’t be starting our married life on the wrong foot with them. We presented a few ideas to his family as others have suggested-videos, photos, etc. As far as they were concerned, if they weren’t present at the actual wedding, it didn’t count and they were unhappy with it. When J stated that my family wouldn’t be in attendance either, they made very hurtful comments that pretty much demonstrated how little they cared about anyone or anything being there, other than themselves. (I have been fortunate enough that my family was a little disappointed, but understood and are supporting me, our decision, and the fact that we’re happy and have found each other-and isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be about??) After learning that his family believed our quiet wedding to be “my idea” and that “I was trying to cut them out, but they should be there because they’re family and do everything together” (even though we both told them it had been a joint decision, and was even originally J’s idea) I suggested maybe we bypass our wishes (and the compromises we had already tried, but weren’t good enough) and do the “traditional” wedding with guests to please them. I do have to give him credit for reminding us to stick to our guns on that, but the fact he lied to his family about it….well that cancels out the bonus points.
Secondly, yep, it’s all coming out of our pockets. I agree that if they were lending some extra cash our way that their opinions/wishes should be considered more, but that’s just not the case here.
Third, LOVE the Princess Bride in here!
Lastly, since I wrote this in a bit ago a lot has transpired since then…unfortunately our wedding was pushed back a few months because of some personal stuff (not his family!). And it turns out our local paper prints that you’re pretty much married when you apply for a license–weird. So they think we’re already married, even though we are set to get hitched 11/11/11. Whoops. It’s a bit premature, but I guess at least we’re dealing with the wrath before it actually happens, so our wedding day won’t be bogged down by worry when they will find out. As time has gone on, I have been less stressed as I’m learning I will never be able to please them, and we have become comfortable with doing what makes us happy. It’s going to be our “selfish” day, and we’re okay with it. 🙂

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