06 Dec
The War To Save Our Sex Life

It’s time for a Mouthy Housewives guest post! Today we have the wonderful and the British Betty Herbert giving sex advice. Because I’ve exhausted my knowledge on the subject last week. And Betty just happens to have written a book about it. Enjoy the wisdom and don’t forget to visit Betty’s site! -Marinka

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a military wife. We’ve been married for four years and my husband is currently deployed (it has only been 9 months). Since we’ve known each other, our sex life has been really almost non-existent. Every time we’ve had sex, I have initiated everything and to make things worse we never finish either.

He always seems to find an excuse to avoid the subject and only seems to react to it when I get really quiet and he finally realizes it bothers me.

What can I do? How can I help us? Especially when I find his porn collection, and to my surprise, these girls look nothing like me. I am a very feminine,  petite Latina/Asian girl while he watches muscular girls with huge breasts.

Should I be freaking out at this point??? The reason I mention the 9 months is because after 9 months of not seeing each other, talking on the phone about how much he misses me and can’t wait to come home and have some ”quality time” with me (if you know what i mean), he came home and didn’t even acknowledge our sex life at all… Can you tell by now I am desperate?


Military Wife

Dear Military Wife,

This sounds like no fun at all, but try not to freak out just yet. Instead, let’s delve into the murky depths of male psychology.

It’s hard being a man, and not just during ‘flu season. Imagine the pressure: the whole world expects you to be super-horny all the time. This may have been true when you were a teenage boy, but as you get older, well. It’s just not the same any more. Sometimes a nice cup of tea and a sit down seems preferable.

Can most men admit this? Can they heck! Outwardly, they have to keep rambling on like some priapic maniac. Inwardly, they’re wondering what’s wrong with them. Some men just don’t have a very high sex drive. It’s as simple as that.

And after a 9-month gap, imagine the pressure! Your hubby knows you’re expecting a wild explosion of testosterone. Maybe he’s getting a little performance anxiety.

Don’t be perturbed by the porn – in fact, it might give us a bit of a clue about what’s going on here. Could he possibly have you on a bit of a pedestal? Are you maybe the kind of woman that he wants to take good care of, rather than give a good seeing-to? What I mean to say is: you don’t happen to look anything like his mother or his sister, do you?

Unfortunately, the only way to sort this out is the hard way – talking it over. Good luck to you, missus. There’s a good chance he won’t react very well when you first raise the issue. But be gentle, be kind, be persistent, and be ready to turn the other cheek if he gets angry. Explain that this is all because you really, really want him.

We all tend to see sex as very goal-oriented: erection -> orgasm -> ejaculation. Too often, that takes all the fun out of it. Maybe you could try to experiment with some NPS – which means non-penetrative sex, but can also mean no-pressure sex. I love Barbara Carrellas’s Urban Tantra for great tips on mind-blowing things to do with your hands. ¬† And as – ahem – my book shows, you can definitely bring sex back from the dead with some time and effort.

Good luck! Try to keep your sense of humour, and, hey, maybe invest in a little porn stash of your own to pass the time while he’s away?

Betty x
(Who would henceforth like to be known as the Frisky English Housewife)

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8 Responses to “The War To Save Our Sex Life”


Comment by Cate8.

Good luck sweetheart….
no pressure is best
and if he is in the mood for snuggling and hugging
be happy
if he pushes you away then you should try marriage counseling.


Comment by Bean.

He’s military & has been deployed? Might want to check for signs of depression and/or PTSD. Actually, it sounds like you’re already seeing one sign: lack of interest in activities that used to be pleasurable.


Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

I find the non-existent sex from the beginning of your courtship to be the most troubling part, not the deployment-return. I think you need to take a good hard look at the whole of your life and marriage and decide if you’re happy enough to even bother fighting for the sex.

Megan Reply:

I concur. Perhaps there’s something else going on here that has nothing to to do with you.

There also could be another issue: He could have low testosterone, which is something that is easily fixed.


Comment by Plano Mom.

Differing sex drives. Common problem. I agree with all these wise women.

One way to approach him without pressure is to try to focus more on the missing intimacy, let him know that just being close and gentle is far more important than the actual act (and if you don’t think it, fake it).

Oh, and definitely consider the PTSD/depression option. Adjusting back to life in the states is harder than anyone lets on.


Comment by Danielle.

I agree with most everyone else. My husband has always had a lower sex drive than I have. He also looks at porn. My husband takes medication for PTSD (from his time in the military) and it makes it hard for him to, ummmm, firm up. Your husband may be having the same problem and shame has caused him to stop altogether. There are other medications out there he can try or if he’s not currently on medication he should look into it. You say you don’t finish so he probably has erectile dysfunction. The only thing shameful about that is not seeking help!
Tell him he’s not alone!!!!


Comment by Unannounced.

My husband has a fairly low sex drive. It bothered him way before I met him and he got checked out and well, there’s nothing WRONG with him. It’s just… very very low. Compared to mine – can be frustrating.

But, I can’t help but wonder for you, since your husband looks at porn – if it’s not a sex drive issue, but perhaps something else, as mentioned in the MH response. Does he have you on a pedestal? Did you have a bad ending that he’s scared of?

Intimacy is so much more than sex. It may be that he has a mental block he needs to counsel out. Or that he’s afraid of being no good. I would definitely recommend some good communication.

We’re also military and I understand, you hear from other military wives about renting hotel rooms for the homecoming, getting babysitters, etc, and you think ‘I wish’. It’s very hard.

I think some therapy and really good communication might be in order.


Comment by My Boyfriend Prefers His Hand To Me! | The Mouthy Housewives.

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