27 Oct
The Case of the Gassy Husband

Surprise! It’s Guest Post Thursday! Today we welcome the fabulous Suniverse who blogs about all sorts of funny, interesting things and is always a treat to read. Plus she has sort of a foul mouth, which is always a big plus in my f&*@ing book. Thanks, Suniverse! –Wendi

 

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband has the worst smelling gas of anyone I know, but he thinks his *stuff* doesn’t stink. He passes gas in front of me all the time, despite my repeated requests for him to stop. The other night, we were lying in bed and he passed the most rancid, foul-smelling gas. In an attempt to be funny, he pulled the covers up over our heads and trapped me underneath. I nearly fainted. I was so upset by this careless, crude action, but he just laughed it off by saying, “Seriously!? Everyone f@rts! What’s the big deal? Lighten up, would you!?” How can I express my discomfort and disgust about his flatulence, without driving a wedge between us? I know gas is only natural, but my husband’s gas is making me want to sleep in a different bedroom.

Signed,

Dying in a Dutch Oven

___________________

Dear Dying in a Dutch Oven,

Guys are pigs.   Or dogs.   Or some other animal that has a fascination with its own nether regions and whatever comes out of them.   Maybe just males in general.

It’s ridiculous, but it’s true. Why do you think guys spend so much time fondling themselves in public where OH MY GOD, DUDE, EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU TOUCHING YOUR JUNK SO JUST STOP IT!

But this is not about that.

Except it is.

Guys seldom get beyond the point in their lives where they realize that body emissions aren’t cool. But your husband has, unfortunately, moved beyond the infantile “pull my finger” idiocy that some people [with XY chromosomes] consider to be the height of hilarity.   He thinks that trapping you in his stink is National Lampoon funny.

It’s not, of course.   No one thinks that’s funny.

As to what you can do?   You need to sit him down and explain that while he might find this amusing and not a big deal, it is a big deal to you and his dismissal of your feelings is hurtful.   If he can’t get past the fact that he doesn’t think you have a sense of humor, then just agree that you don’t have a sense of humor.   About this topic.   And that it’s important to you that he respect your feelings and work with you so that you’re not feeling like he doesn’t care about you at all.

Also, you may suggest that he get himself checked out – that level of stink is not normal and he may need to change his diet. Then take a deep, cleansing breath. You need one.

Good luck,

Suniverse, Guest TMH

 

 

 

25 Responses to “The Case of the Gassy Husband”

10.27.11#1

Comment by Suniverse.

Yay for being here! I’m so excited!!

Not about gas, but being part of this group. HOORAY.

10.27.11#2

Comment by GrandeMocha.

Good job Suniverse!

Dying in a Dutch Oven, tell him you are not in an American Pie or Adam Sandler movie. His talents would be appreciated there but you do not appreciate them.

10.27.11#3

Comment by Plano Mom.

Just start referring to him as your huge asshole.

VG Reply:

LMAO!!!!!! That is a GREAT comeback. Can I borrow it?

10.27.11#4

Comment by Marinka.

Oh, Suniverse! How you make me laugh!

Wear a gas mask! There are some lovely ones in fall colors out now.

10.27.11#5

Comment by Betty Herbert.

If all else fails, you can try these: http://www.myshreddies.com/flatulence-underwear/

They’re special underwear designed to filter out flatulence. At the very least, he might take the hint after finding these under the Christmas tree!

tim Reply:

These underwear are extremely expensive. I use a charcoal filter that I make and it works 1000% better than Flat D filters, and can be worn with my own set of boxer shorts. I created the filter through trial an error because I did not want to hurt or embarrass my wife and son on an international flight we were taking. I have fine tuned it over the last couple years and it works great and costs me less than a couple dollars to make.

10.27.11#6

Comment by Tonya.

Suniverse!!! LOVE YOU!

I would also suggest that any intimate moments will only happen after a period, like 24 or 72 hours, of stank-free air!

10.27.11#7

Comment by Sally in Saudi.

I so agree! Someone sent me a link to a video where a guy f@rts and when his girlfriend expresses disgust, he explains that they know each other well enough that they should be comfortable with such things. Then, it shows several circumstances when she is equally “comfortable” and he eventually breaks it off. The moral, it’s only funny when guys do it.

If all else fails, next time he traps you under the covers, throw up on him (or at least gag convincingly). That will definitely make a lasting impression on him.

Soofttie Reply:

I was going to say the same! Googel “Breaking the Barrier” its on YouTube.

Ive often thought of doign this to mine…

10.27.11#8

Comment by Suniverse.

YAY! You are all BRILLIANT! I hadn’t even thought of cutting him off, because seriously? WHO WOULD HAVE SEX WITH FART MAN?

10.27.11#9

Comment by Meredith L..

Note to self: stop laughing hysterically at my son’s farts. His future wife will thank me.

Plano Mom Reply:

This made me cackle hysterically. Mine is 13 today. However his pet name since infancy has been stink bug, so I guess I need to rethink that too.

10.27.11#10

Comment by tallgirl.

My husband has this problem too, which seems to be exacerbated by hoppy beers like IPAs. I keep a bottle of Beano in the kitchen cabinet, and I dole them out with his dinner. It helps a bit.

10.27.11#11

Comment by Kelly.

Casually mention in conversation that you were talking about his smelly gas problem with [insert name of your hottest and classiest friend here] and she said… He will undoubtedly be embarrassed that you told your hot friend about his farts, at which point you say, “Oh, so passing gas IS a big deal?!” You can ‘fess up that you were just kidding and you didn’t tell “hot friend” about his gas…yet. Remind him that if you continue to be aware of his “serious problem” (read: he continues to pass gas in front of you), there are plenty of GREAT EXPERTS out there, including your hot friends, family members, and his colleagues and their spouses. And with the holidays coming up, plenty of social events at which you can poll the public about how to deal with this problem. I’m sure he can find a better solution on his own…

10.27.11#12

Comment by Suniverse.

Public shaming? Beano-ing food? LOVE THESE IDEAS.

10.27.11#13

Comment by I'm a big ol' b with a captial B!.

Hand him your used feminine product. When he freaks out you say, “Well, I thought we were comfortable around each other enough to deal with each other’s bodily functions, right?” When he continues to freak out, that’s when you explain that some things just SHOULDN’T BE SHARED.

vodka tonic Reply:

I was thinking the same thing.

10.27.11#14

Comment by Cate8.

the blankets over the head thing…. my X called it ‘camping’
note ‘X’

10.28.11#15

Comment by Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes.

What I do not recommend is farting in his presence. I did that with mine and well… it didn’t really work.
Perhaps kicking him wil or ostentasiously opening the windows or spraying him with a perfume he hates (but you love) when he farts.

10.28.11#16

Comment by N and Em's mom.

Great guest response Suniverse! Being evil, I like the idea of using that time of the month for payback. However, I would probably punish my husband with food. If there is anything that your husband doesn’t like, make it. Then when he complains you can say, “Seriously?! It’s just *$@#! What’s the big deal? Lighten up, would you?”

10.28.11#17

Comment by Suniverse.

You people are all excellent at the retribution. Remind me to stay on your good side.

10.29.11#18

Comment by Alexandra.

Suni:

Whenever I read anything of yours,I just want to drive to get you, go get drunk, and then just listen.

Just.Listen.

You are the BEST.

10.31.11#19

Comment by Masha.

Dear Dying in a Dutch Oven,
Please handle your husband as someone with a nasty (but treatable) medical condition. My two cents: He should fix his diet.
I was the farty one in this household, nearly asphixiating my boyfriend several times and giving rise to urban legends. Then I stopped eating eggs, gluten, and soy and WOW! I no longer fart!

01.19.13#20

Comment by Cole.

Wow. What your husbund did was terrible and wrong. He’s wrong. If you’re not comfortable he aught to do whatever he needs to to adjust. But what a terrible sexist reply. You should be ashamed of yourself. I would never EVER do this to my wife. Not all males fit into your judgemental generalizations. Shame. Shame on you.

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