19 Apr
Sock it to Me, You Lazy Bastard

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a great husband, but it seems that because I have a vagina, I’m required by nature to pick up after him—even if I also work full time. Recently, I chose to protest my disgust for him taking off his nasty socks and leaving them on the living room floor by not touching them and guess what? Two days later they’re still there in a pile while the rest of the house smells nice and fresh.

I shouldn’t back down on this one, right? I mean, they can pile up for all I care. Or am I going too far?

Signed,

Tired of Being a Sock Puppet

____________________

Dear Tired of Being a Sock Puppet,

FADE IN:

INT. WINDSOR CASTLE, THE YEAR 2015

We open on PRINCE WILLIAM and PRINCESS CATHERINE sipping tea in the castle’s opulent drawing room. The couple is dressed in gorgeous, impeccable clothing. Birds sweetly chirp outside as sunlight streams through the sparkling windows. It is a moment of utter refinement and class. Suddenly, Prince William turns his head and notices a huge pile of cashmere socks in the corner. He wrinkles his perfect nose in disgust and turns lovingly to his betrothed.

PRINCE WILLIAM
Why, whatever is that vile smell in the air, darling?

PRINCESS CATHERINE
It’s your motherf*&#ing bloody socks, you stupid wanker.
Now pick ’em up or I’ll bludgeon you with my shiny crown. Dumbass.

FADE OUT.

The point of that lovely piece of writing is that…okay, there is no point to that lovely piece of writing, I just might have ROYAL WEDDING FEVER!!!! OMG, I BOUGHT A $89 COMMEMORATIVE ASHTRAY OF KATE’S FACE!!! AND A $200 ROYAL WEDDING COFFEE MUG!!! AND I’M EATING BANGERS AND MASH!!!! BLOODY HELL, PEOPLE, I NEED A TRANQUILIZER!!! WHEEEE!!!!!

Anyway, assuming that your husband has all his faculties and is not a high-functioning chimp, he can pick up his own damn socks. Just remain strong and let the stink pile stay on the living room floor until he finally mans up and puts them in the laundry himself. (In psychiatry terms, this is referred to as “a pissing contest.”)

I know it’s no fun, but I urge you to stick to your guns. Because while you married him in sickness and in health, you definitely didn’t marry him to be his mother. Even a princess knows that.

(I JUST BOUGHT A $562 PRINCE WILLIAM GOLF CLUB!!!)

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

 

30 Responses to “Sock it to Me, You Lazy Bastard”

04.19.11#1

Comment by Mellowdee.

I say stick it out. He HAS to get the point (or run out of socks) eventually.

04.19.11#2

Comment by Stasha.

$562 seems a bit steep for a club, unless it was a driver. Are you wearing a fascinator on the wedding day?
As for the socks, no touchy, touchy. You cannot expect success overnight, or two, or three…

04.19.11#3

Comment by Beth.

I can tell you from experience, it doesn’t work. I had the same situation with my first husband. I tried it to ignore it, but he couldn’t care less. Seriously, he would run out of socks and just re-use the dirty ones. In retrospect, I should have just told him it bothered me and we could have come to an agreement. Or maybe we could have just agreed to divorce sooner. Thank God we never had children because I don’t remember signing up for slave labor camp.

Kimberly Reply:

I agree, it doesn’t work. I even laughed at the idea he would eventually puck them up. I married and moved into my husband’s house knowing full well he is a slob. For some reason, I’m still surprised he thinks I’m the maid. When a couple is this far apart on this issue, I recommend a third party (therapy). We did this and reached a give and take we are both comfortable with. In our case, he buys and pays for everything, I keep my income. It works for us, and that is what is important. Also, a cleaning lady is in the works for just the bathrooms, and he will pay for it. We both work too, and our money is separate, and we are in our 40s and only married 3 years – so it works for us. Bottom line is you shouldn’t have to live like that with rank ass socks in your living room, or have to prove a point. You are both adults.

04.19.11#4

Comment by OldLadyInaShoe.

I love my husband but I learned this very early on in our marriage. Men are idiots and never ever “Get the point”. They have to be told explicitly exactly what you want and need or else they will never do it. Communicate with your man and you’d be surprised.

Marinka, TMH Reply:

I had a similar experience. One day my ex-boyfriend totally blew up at me and when I was puzzled about why he was so upset, he explained that he was purposely not cleaning the refrigerator to see how long it would take me to clean it and he couldn’t believe that it was TWO WEEKS and I still didn’t put “must clean fridge” on my calendar.

And I’m sure my response of “we’re supposed to CLEAN THE REFRIGERATOR?” didn’t help, either.

Kelcey, TMH Reply:

Oh Cheesus! Are we supposed to be cleaning our fridge?

04.19.11#5

Comment by Bean.

Someone once told me to make a list of 10 habits that were harmless but annoying that I would always forgive my husband for… And then to forget what was on the list. Then when he does something irritating but not really a big deal, to tell myself “he’s lucky that’s on the list” and let go of it.
And I try, not because I want to be anyone’s servant, but because I know I’m much harder to live with than he is.

04.19.11#6

Comment by Amelia Sauter.

When my girlfriend leaves her socks on the floor, after a few days I put them into the trash. Does that make me a bad person?

mobriley Reply:

No It doesnt

GrandeMocha Reply:

I was going to suggest throwing them in the trash. So no, you aren’t a bad person.

04.19.11#7

Comment by annie.

uh yeah, that’s not going to work. People don’t pick up what they don’t actually see – and i guarantee he hasn’t noticed yet. The only time he does will be because he’s out of clean socks.

Even then he’ll only notice them out of excitement because he found some to wear. Never mind the smell. He’ll put them on his rancid feet and go on his merry way. And he’ll likely be thrilled he didn’t have to walk all the way to his dresser to find them.

Just sayin’

Kimberly Reply:

I love this! So true!

04.19.11#8

Comment by Crystal M..

I had this problem with my husband right after we got married. My solution was to pick up his nasty, dirty socks and put them on his pillow. That way he had to pick them up and put them in the hamper before he could lie down. I only had to do it once and that was almost 7 years ago. He still remembers it and even now if he sees me pick up his socks he apologizes for leaving them on the floor and asks me not to put them on his pillow!

I'm a big ol' b with a captial B! Reply:

Now *THAT* is awesome. 🙂

Average Jane Reply:

I love it. I had to read all the responses to see if anyone had mentioned stuffing them under his pillow, but draping them OVER his pillow makes even more sense. Brava!

Kimberly Reply:

Love it! Except mine would just push them to the floor.

04.19.11#9

Comment by Mandy.

Does not work. Because husband? HAS NO IDEA HE IS A PART OF SAID CONTEST. They just don’t notice. I’d prefer asking nicely for him to pick it up every time it happens. It works much better. Especially if you’re naked. He’ll learn eventually.

04.19.11#10

Comment by dusty earth mother.

Since I’m the husband in this scenario, I can guarantee he won’t see them. Because I never do. Because why would I even notice something like that when I can be reading incredible playwriting like Wendi’s?

04.19.11#11

Comment by StephanieG.

I recently tried this method with a particularly disgusting bathroom in our home. Why can’t guys just pee in the pot? But I digress…..

Anyway, I left the bathroom unattended for WAY longer than I am willing to admit in any public forum, then finally brought it to his attention during a particularly vocal disagreement on the unfair labor distribution in our home.

The takeaway for us was this – he didn’t even notice it was dirty (is the guy totally blind and scent-impaired??), and because I hadn’t asked him to watch out for dirty potties, it wasn’t on his radar.

It seems that in my hubby’s world, things just magically happen. Groceries, clean laundry, fresh smelling toilets and crisp linens on the bed every week. He honest to God had no idea how it all happened, because for all of these years, the chores have just magically been taken care of. Me being the magic, of course.

He has now agreed to help with housecleaning on the weekend, and he stayed true to his word by busting his hump last Saturday doing an entire list of household chores that I had to only partially re-do to bring them up to code.

Bless their hearts, they are all just smelly boys at heart. Most of them want happy wives, and sometimes it’s up to us to ask for help, or demand it, as the case may be.

Now that I’ve gotten the weekend chores addressed, you think there’s a chance I can get some help with dinner and dinner time clean up. You know, in the room where we keep the food??

04.19.11#12

Comment by Mimzy Wimzy.

My Hubby works full time, I am SAHM. Hubby does all of the laundry, much of the cleaning, most of the cooking… hmmm… what exactly does he need me for???

StephanieG Reply:

Mimzy, I’m pretty sure he could come up with a job or two for you! 🙂

04.19.11#13

Comment by Erin@MommyontheSpot.

Stick to your guns. One day, he will run out of socks. And when he comes running to you that he has no socks (because he will, I’m sure, if he’s anything like my husband. . . because I would know since I wore them last. Obviously), you can direct him to the pile that has been getting bigger by the day.

04.19.11#14

Comment by KG.

My husband leaves his underwear on the towel rack in the bathroom and his wet post-shower towels hanging over the bottom of our bed frame. I put them on his pillow. Seems to work!

04.19.11#15

Comment by Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac.

I’ve convinced my husband that doing the dishes and tidying up the house at night falls into the foreplay category. Works pretty well!

I'm a big ol' b with a captial B! Reply:

Liz, I had an employer (actually, I was a student teacher at the time and she was my cooperating teacher) who told me that she gets her naked husband to wash the kitchen floor on his hands and knees. She tells him it ‘turns her on to see… his…’ yeah, you get it. She says what turns her on is the clean kitchen floor. 🙂

04.19.11#16

Comment by Wendi.

I should also suggest she move to the tropics where men don’t even wear socks.

04.20.11#17

Comment by MommyTime.

He won’t see it unless you tell him that you NEED him to see it. He still won’t care about it. But given that he cares about you, he will try to do even what he doesn’t care about. We made a chart of daily tasks in which everyone participates, and the simple process of writing down all the cleaning that I was doing all by myself most weeks (both husband and I have full-time jobs; kids are 7 and 5) made it pretty clear that there needed to be more equity. Things are much better now.

Socks still don’t always get to the hamper, mind you. But I care less because so much else is no longer only my job.

04.20.11#18

Comment by Karin.

I treat my husband like my kids – 10 cents for every item left on the living room floor. AND I don’t do his laundry.

04.23.11#19

Comment by NZ.

It’s time to sit down and have a discussion about how much housework needs to be done. And how much you are willing to do as the wife. And how if you have to do more than that, you will feel like he’s treating you like your his mother. And if you feel that way, he loses ALL the benefits of having a wife.

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