30 Apr
Oy, My Husband Wants a Dog

It’s Guest Mouthy Housewife Friday and today we have  The Checkout Girl filling in!  The day I discovered her blog is the day that I learned what happiness was.  And as a bonus, she has another blog.  About..er…Motherhood (language warning!) Enjoy!  -Marinka

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

What is the best way to convince my husband NOT to get a dog? He desperately wants one (and so do the kids) and they are all begging me endlessly. I do not want a dog. Help me before it’s too late and I’m spending every waking moment with Fido.

Signed,

I Already Have A Best Friend

_______________________________

Dear Friend,

The barking, the fleas, the neediness, the pooping on the floor, who needs it? And now he wants a dog?

My guess is your husband will attempt to sway you by saying that he and the kids will do all of the work and you won’t have to lift a finger. Guess what? It never works! What if you DO lift a finger? Are you allowed to litigate? Last I checked, there was no Law & Order: Forgetful Stupidity. Judge Judy might take your case but there’s no guarantee that once she sees those babies of yours batting their eyelashes and pouting, “We just wuv our widdle doggie” that she is going to side with you. Kids is tricky, sister, and so is TV judges.

Let me tell you a little story. I wanted a dog, too. Well, it was between a dog and a baby but the pound rarely takes babies back and so I chose a dog. The other day I came home and she had dragged my clothes out of the hamper and eaten the crotch out of all of them. Not chewed; eaten. The moral of that story: always wear the jeans that make your butt look magnif, because you never know when the clothes on your back will end up being all you are left with. Also, your dog might be gay and you don’t even know it. I mean, dogs don’t have pride parades, you know?

My question to you is this: how far are you willing to go to convince the hubs not to get a pooch? Extra kisses far? Extra kisses while naked far? Extra kisses while naked and wearing a dog collar far? Is expressing your extreme misgivings to him clearly (and loudly, if necessary) not enough? If that’s the case, maybe *he* should wear the dog collar.

A decision this major (and potentially wardrobe-altering) should be made jointly and not something that one person (and a few little half-people) decides and sets out to whine the other person into. Don’t be swayed, sister. Stand your ground and tell the chewed crotch story. If nothing else, maybe you’ll distract him with pity for me and my Victoria’s Secrets. If not, get the collar.

Love,

The Checkout Girl, Guest TMH

17 Responses to “Oy, My Husband Wants a Dog”

04.30.10#1

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

Great advice!!! The best way to convince husband & kids not to take a dog at home is saying so out loud.

But never fall in the trap of asking them to chose between you and the dog: the choice is between them all at home without a dog, or them all out of home with the dog. You don’t move: they do!!!

04.30.10#2

Comment by writingmama04.

Perhaps I should have read this before we became dog owners. In my case, it wasn’t forgetful stupidity, it was willful. Got any advice for Now What? people. You can title it ‘Living with My Mistakes.’

04.30.10#3

Comment by Cheryl.

Oh Crap! I think I just ruined the crotch of my underwear. I’ve got to remember to pee before I read this stuff.

COG is right. Don’t get whined into it. A dog is joint property. As such, which half do you end up with in the divorce. Ass end is my guess.

04.30.10#4

Comment by Lara.

The other side of joint decisions is that one person does not have veto power over everyone else in the family.

What about at least appearing to think about it? Do you have friends for whom you could dog sit for a week & see how it pans out? Give everyone a dose of reality & then say “told you so”? You might even earn points for trying.

Don’t get me wrong. People who don’t want pets shouldn’t get them. But if you haven’t had one as a family, you don’t know how it will turn out, do you?

I say this as a dog person who married a cat person. When my big boy died of old age last year, my DH’s comment was “I never knew I needed a dog.” And he’s the one who keeps talking about when we’ll get another one.

04.30.10#5

Comment by the mama bird diaries.

That crotch story is going to stay with me for a long time. I’m pretty anti-dog (even though I grew up with them). If your kids are little, do not get a dog. Once your kids start ignoring you and only hanging with their friends, you may need someone to give you unconditional love.

04.30.10#6

Comment by Plano Mom.

Do not get a dog. You will wind up liking it, because you will be the one taking care of it.

However, in the meantime, you need to milk this sister! You need to make your family PROVE they can handle the responsibility of a dog, and to do that they need to do ALL the housework for at LEAST the week you need to think about it.

And as for the hubby? Just ask him how many dirty diapers he changed and baths he gave to squirming, screaming 2 year olds. When he stares at you, trying to come up with the right answer, you simply smile and say “I rest my case.”

GrandeMocha Reply:

Make them prove that they will take care of thae dog! We have a dog 2 doors down that we can borrow anytime we want. I told my son that if he walks the dog & picks up poop for 6 months, he can get his own. He hasn’t picked up any poop, no dog for him. Maybe you could babysit a dog for a friend or relative & take a trial run.

04.30.10#7

Comment by Alex @LateEnough.

Do NOT get a dog. They are needy. They drool. They cannot be left alone for more than eight hours without peeing in your home. Unless you have a blog. If you have a blog, get a dog. Because people LOVE DOG PICTURES. You will be instantly popular.

04.30.10#8

Comment by Heather, TMH.

I am completely anti-dog and all of this advice makes me want to hump your leg.

04.30.10#9

Comment by Wendi.

I think I need a gay dog so I can write a memoir about it.

Possible title: “Marley & Me = Fabulous!”

04.30.10#10

Comment by Mommy on the Spot.

What Plano Mom said!!

05.01.10#11

Comment by pattypunker.

my friend’s dog ate her used tampon and it got punctured his intestine and cost $5,000 to fix. moral of the story: having a pet without pet insurance is costly!

Marinka Reply:

Another moral of the story (because in this economy who doesn’t love a 2-for-1 special?) is don’t feed used tampons to the dog.

05.02.10#12

Comment by MarathonMom.

Yeah, the crotch eating dog is great. My friend has a dog that likes to dig tampons out of the trash too. Then, don’t forget the boring ones that just eat their own poop.

05.03.10#13

Comment by mommakiss.

We had a dog before kids. We said “let’s start w/ the dog, if we don’t kill it, we’ll try to have a baby.” Well, the dog survived. Alas, we have 2 kids. Thing is? the pooch is lucky! He’s eaten a couch, a recliner and numerous items of my clothing. And I mean EAT like digested. Seeing a nice piece of lace or a chunk of the recliner come out in his shit? fantastic. And you will see their shit, because they shit all the damn time.

I do have to admit, I’m glad we had him before the kids came along. They’ll have the opportunity to mourn a pet one day. Maybe real soon…

08.17.12#14

Comment by Nancy.

My husband got me a dog. We hadn’t discussed the subject before. I think it’s because he felt guilty for giving me a black eye.

09.02.13#15

Comment by Paul.

My wife convinced me to get a dog after much begging. Now, I want to kill myself every day. It’s incessant whining and barking at all hours ( our neighbors must hate us), the constant poop and pee ( non-stop and never where it’s supposed to) are honestly driving me crazy. I’m funding excuses to work more hours and go out with my buddies more just to get some peace. It’s ruining our once-great marriage. I can’t take it anymore.

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