22 Apr
Need a Little Housewife Fun Money? Try Laundering.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Why don’t hubbies like to give pocket money to their wives who don’t work? They run the house, take care of the kids, etc. How can housewives get a little fun money from their husbands?

Signed,

Mrs. Pauper

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mrs. Pauper,

I’d like to welcome you to our first ever Time Warp Thursday. Just step into our time machine, watch me set the dial back to 1952, and enjoy the wormhole!

Here we are in 1952, and I assume from your question this is the period you live in. That, or you’re an alien from another galaxy. Either way, even in the pre-feminist ’50s, women have ways of getting money out of their husbands. One is through a women’s movement called Oral Sex for Mink Coats.   The ideology is women perform special sexual favors for their husband, who will be so pleased and satisfied that he happily gives his wife whatever money she wants.

We move forward to 1980 and PETA shows up, putting an end to the Oral Sex for Mink Coats movement (how dare they), so women are left to do what they must, thus creating the era of Homemaker Embezzlement & Money Laundering. Few are even aware of this dark period in housewifery, so let me explain how it works.

“Why yes, honey, little Susie’s shoes did cost $39.95. It’s impossible to find kids’ shoes under $30 anymore!”

And then you take the $15 left (because Susie’s shoes only cost $15 in 1985), “accidently” wash it with Wednesday’s laundry and it’s yours to keep. Everyone knows any money found in the washer is the wife’s money. This laundering works on grocery money too. An added bonus is, like all laundered money, you don’t pay taxes on it.

Now we enter the time period called the Present, where Feminism dictates such tactics as Oral Sex for Mink Coats and Homemaker Embezzlement & Money Laundering as beneath us. What did the women of the 1960’s sacrifice for if not for our right to an ATM card?!   Why did they burn all of those bras if not for us to have a Paypal account secretly linked to our joint checking?!   Sure, get a job if you want, but in this day there is no asking your husband for pocket money anymore. You just take it because it’s half yours anyway.

Signed,

Heather, TMH

17 Responses to “Need a Little Housewife Fun Money? Try Laundering.”

04.22.10#1

Comment by Cheryl.

Loved this response!

04.22.10#2

Comment by Wendi.

You mean there’s a way to get walking around money from your husband that doesn’t involve a Lucy Ricardo scheme? How about that!?

04.22.10#3

Comment by hokgardner.

Amen Heather.

Plus, in our house, I manage all the household bills and money, which means hubby asks ME for walking around money. Ha!

04.22.10#4

Comment by Aging Mommy.

Ahhh…now I think I understand why my closet was stocked with so few clothes growing up, my mother must have been doing a lot of laundry 🙂

Great response – just love it! Thank goodness for the modern age and online banking! My husband thankfully leaves all the money management to me and does not even bother to look at our account, probably because he does not know the online password 🙂

04.22.10#5

Comment by the mama bird diaries.

Perfect Answer. Love it.

04.22.10#6

Comment by Erin at Im Gonna Kill Him.

In the era of reckless irresponsibility from Wall Street, I like to take my cues from the Fat Cats. I under-report earnings and never make good on loans. I skim money off the top and drain 401Ks. And if I get caught…well, I’m going to ask for a spousal bail out.

04.22.10#7

Comment by Marinka, TMH.

Who would perform oral sex on a mink coat? That’s just nasty.

04.22.10#8

Comment by Plano Mom.

I’m a Mom that also works out of the house, so the money coming in is half mine as well. However, hubs handles the money, and I have a limit on what I will spend. Works very well, because if I ask, we have no money, but when we want/need to drop a significant amount of change on something, we’ve got plenty of money!

04.22.10#9

Comment by Michelle.

At my house, we each get a weekly “allowance”. Now, with that being said, I also pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, and take care of the kiddo. That means if I HAPPEN to need a little extra money, I just take it off of the top. 🙂 My hubby would rather have a happy wife than a few extra bucks in the bank account!

04.22.10#10

Comment by Charity.

My job as a housewife is to manage the household. This includes the finances and household expenses. So, I have complete access to the money.

But really, even if I didn’t do that, when dh and I married everything became ours*. True, major purchases are always joint decisions, but I can’t imagine having to run it past dh before I buy a new lipstick or reasonably priced shoes.

*Well, technically, everything. I’m not touching his collection of VW mags or the majority of his LPs. I have my reputation to maintain.

04.22.10#11

Comment by Vicki.

I’m so cheap that I deny myself pocket money. Can’t I get a little respect from myself?

04.22.10#12

Comment by kmdguerra.

You should tell your husband that if you’re going to be House Frau, you might as well be CFO too; then he’ll never know how much you’re spending. Works for us!

04.23.10#13

Comment by Rachael.

I’m a stay at home mom who runs the household except the finances. I really have no brain for it. I do however have a debit card that I use for groceries. If I want something from the mall I drag him around, point and say I want that. He says ok and I get it. This works well for me, I get to use the rest of the “grocery money” to get as many Starbucks drinks and In and Out animal style burgers I can shovel in. When the account gets low he just transfers more money without a complaint.

07.23.11#14

Comment by LindaSalem.

My father had a series of heart attacks in August 1965 (the year I graduated high school). For a while, it looked like he might not make it. My mother didn’t know where the bank was, forget knowing if he had a bank account. She didn’t know how to get his checks or if he had benefits coming to him or not. Evidently, she wasn’t the only wife in this fix because two union “brothers” showed up to help my mother get through the business. I swore to myself I’d never be in that fix and I’m not. I handle the money because hubby- honey hates it but I have everything written down in case something happens to me. I don’t want HIM in that fix either.

(It would have been funny of the doc hadn’t just told is dad might not make it through the night. I started going through my Dad’s stuff looking for banking stuff or any financial stuff. I was really scared. My mom is yelling at me to stop cause dad is going to be really mad. I just shook my head and did it anyway. I don’t know if he ever l knew. If he did, he didn’t say anything to me. Fortunately, I was able to get a good job and I was able to help support the family until my dad could go back to work. He didn’t pass over until October 1983. Mom went in 1985 but she’d learned her lesson and knew what she needed to know when my dad did die.)

07.29.11#15

Comment by Sammie Love.

HA-FUCKING-LARIOUS!!!! I am gonna start money laundering like this at home. I am currently under employed and I have habits of a full-time employed Momma. It hard to ask for those extra things from my hubby right now but I can see the light now.

07.05.13#16

Comment by deathstar.

Great post! Catching up slowly on your previous articles.

11.01.13#17

Comment by pravesh.

Hey what’s up girl if you don’t mind have you same fun

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