04 Jan
My Sister-In-Law Has A Cold So She’s Calling The Cops On My Husband!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I received a disturbing text message from my sister-in-law, my husband’s younger half-sister. It read: “You’re with a child molester. Your husband would molest me and my twin sister when we were little. I will take a lie detector test and pass with flying colors.”

I was so shocked and sickened after I read the message. I called my husband and he told me his sister was lying because, according to her twin, she was mad at him and also suffering from an ear infection and on antibiotics! WHAT??

My question to you is, should I confront my crazy sister-in-law or just leave this situation alone? I hate confrontation but I don’t want her harassing us anymore.

Signed,

Sad and Sickened

——————————————–

Dear Sad and Sickened,

Let me get this straight: your sister-in-law is accusing her brother of childhood molestation because she is mad at him and, also, because she has an ear infection? What would happen if she came down with pneumonia? Or the Avian Flu? Would she level charges of treason against everyone in her town? Blame her twin for the current economic crisis?

It seems possible that your sister-in-law is certainly suffering from something but it, most likely, has very little to do with her current ear infection.   Whether it is a serious psychological disorder or the effects of childhood trauma is difficult to determine and should be left to a professional.

Whatever her real issue, it’s important for you to communicate your limits to her. The in-law relationship can be fragile and difficult so it’s important to proceed with caution. Especially in this case. You need to state clearly and directly that if she is angry with your husband she needs to talk about it with him NOT you. I would suggest staying away from judging her emotional state and simply focus on the interaction between the two of you and setting strict boundaries.

At the end of the day, however, this is an extremely disturbing accusation. You owe it to yourself to make sure that there isn’t any  validity to her indictment.  It seems to me that although you wrote to us regarding your sister-in-law, you might be more concerned about her accusations than you are letting on. Sit down with your spouse and have an honest and frank discussion preferably in a safe environment with the presence of a therapist or mediator. Put any and all of your questions to rest.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

20 Responses to “My Sister-In-Law Has A Cold So She’s Calling The Cops On My Husband!”

01.04.12#1

Comment by TheHappyBaker.

Wow. I’m a big advocate of giving the benefit of the doubt, but that is a pretty serious accusation to make, even for someone who may just be looking for some kind of vindictive attention.

Obviously, if it WAS true, your husband surely wouldn’t admit it, especially not in front of any kind of perceived authority (a therapist, etc) so I would suggest talking to the sister in law and finding out– in a calm, nonaggressive, private conversation– exactly what may have happened, and what caused her to say something now, after all these years.

If she’s lying, chances are good you’ll know it quickly. If she’s not–if she makes a convincing point, then you’ve certainly got some thinking to do and some circumstances to weigh. How old was he when this supposedly happened? There’s a big difference between childhood curiosity and child molestation. If he WAS old enough for it to be abusive, is it something you’re able to get past?

Obviously, if you feel she IS telling the truth, the next step is to talk to him. Let him know something has come to light, explain why you believe her, and confront him honestly and without judgment, as hard as that may be.

I wish you the best of luck. It’s certainly a tricky situation.

01.04.12#2

Comment by mtwildflower.

As a CASA volunteer and child advocate, I can tell you that you need to snap to attention on this.

I am incredibly reluctant to suggest the girl is lying, because too many times, I have found that kids were not lying and what they said was sadly true. In fact, I cannot think of one single time in my own experience, where a child was lying.

Understand that if this is something she reports to a teacher or other mandated reporter, your husband WILL BE INVESTIGATED. You need to brace yourself for that.

The other thing is that you need to start asking yourself some very hard questions and answer them honestly. Has there ever, ever been any behavior that you thought was strange or disturbing or just not quite right when it comes to your husband? What about your husband’s family?

The fact that this has come about in this way, in such an abrupt and shocking manner, tells me that this girl is incredibly frustrated and does not feel she is being heard, believed or helped. If she is not feeling well health wise, then it is exacerbated a feeling that may have already been there.

I will also say that your husband’s dismissive and accusatory attitude, is also a red flag to me.

I do not want to say he is guilty, because I just don’t know, but generally when little sisters are mad at their big brothers, they come up with other kinds of thing to accuse them of.

Tracey Reply:

Trying to put myself in the husband’s shoes here. What sort of attitude do you expect him to take? Unfortunately, there is not a ton of info here, but it is entirely possible that this sister in law has a history of outrageous behavior. If that’s the case, then his dismissive, accusatory attitude makes perfect sense. Since the other twin seems to also dismiss the accusers accusation as a somehow normal anger/physical ailment related issue, I’d probably be dismissive and accusatory as well. Then again, the twins testimony seems to be related only through the husband.

Such a difficult one. Many direct conversations needed here.

TheHappyBaker Reply:

I assumed the sister was an adult, and she was referring to incidents that happened in the past. I didn’t get from the email that she was still a child, especially since she added, “When we were little”.

01.04.12#3

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

I am no counselor, but I used to know a man who was falsely accused by his wife (now understendably ex) of molesting their 3-year-old daughter. In the end it turned out the wife had infancy-molesting issues of her own which she had never confronted, but in the meantime the poor man had a hell of a time, his pic was in the papers and the infamous accusation still taints his character.

Now, your husband seems to have spoken to the other twin, who according to the first twin was molested, too. Why not talk frankly with the second twin and try to learn something more? Meet her somewhere private and comfortable, possibly not your house as she might be intimidated by her brother’s new abode, and try to see what there is in the other sister’s tale.
Investigate the matter carefully for yourself before confronting either your husband or the accusing SIL: the matter is surely very delicate and calls for attention towards all of the concerned parties.

01.04.12#4

Comment by Avptobeauty.

I agree wuth all. Get as much info as possible first in a non threatening way from both SIL’s, then speak with your husband to get clarification if needed. If something is up I agree that he wouldn’t admit it to a psychotherapist but if he is innocent your SIL needs serious help either way.

01.04.12#5

Comment by thepsychobabble.

This situation has red flags all over it. It sounds like this is very out-of-the-blue and out of character for this sister, yes?
Generally speaking, people don’t jump from sane, loving family member straight to wild accusations. Especially not over ear infections.
Wishing you much luck as you figure out what is going on.

01.04.12#6

Comment by Carol.

Sorry, but your SIL sounds like a nutcase. Her own twin is even saying she has said these things because she is mad and medicated! If there were any truth to it, I would think the twin would agree with her sister. Good luck!

01.04.12#7

Comment by Plano Mom.

Not only do I find the accusations concerning, but I also find the excuse from the other twin sister very odd. This isn’t right, no matter what happened in the past.

01.04.12#8

Comment by Saddened.

Look into it. My entire family was molested by our grandfather. Some of us don’t remember it as well as others. If your husband is a child molester you DO NOT want to have children with him. If you think he won’t touch his children you are dead wrong.

01.04.12#9

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

How do you know she is lying? Would the husband really just fess up to is at the drop of a hat? No way in hell he would. He would do everything to protect himself since doing otherwise literally means losing everything thing that is important to him, and it means he goes to jail. Pretty big motivation for lying. And, the twin sister may be covering so as to not cause issues in the family. It happens all of the time–it’s called enabling.

As painful as it is, what she is saying might (or might not) be true. You absolutely have to consider that. Don’t assume it, but consider it. If this woman is with a molester and has children, she is dooming them to the same fate.

01.04.12#10

Comment by Marie.

Good grief.

Please, please, please, follow up on this. Molestation is EXTREMELY SERIOUS!

I hope that there aren’t children involved. If there are, leave immediately. Ask questions later. Apologize if the accusations aren’t true. But please, don’t put yourself or especially, children at risk.

01.04.12#11

Comment by GrandeMocha.

The husband and/or his sister needs medical/legal help. Stop the crazy train.

01.04.12#12

Comment by patrick.

Do not ignore the issue simply because it may not be true and/or you don’t want to believe it. Hopefully your husband will understand that a responsible parent (or perhaps a parent to be; you don’t say if you have kids or are planning to have kids) has to explore the validity of such charges even if seemingly outlandish. If he doesn’t understand that, well then you have another difficult issue to consider.

01.04.12#13

Comment by kath999.

I’d definitely find out if she is telling other people this story. This could not only make your family’s life hellish, but could end up in the legal system. Very freaky.

01.05.12#14

Comment by VG.

Not saying that the SIL is lying but I would double check to see what type of antibotic she’s on. Could be inducing some sort of psychosis.

Here’s 1 article I found:
http://psy.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/48/3/269

01.08.12#15

Comment by vodka tonic.

I’m going to chime in as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My brother, seven years older than me, molested me from the time I was about 4 or 5, until I was 10 or 11 years old. When I was 14, my brother wanted to move back home, and I blurted out something much like this message here from the SIL. Of course, everyone was “shocked,” and I was taken to a counselor. I was summarily dismissed as “looking for attention,” and even though she was a mandated reporter, she struck a deal with my mother: if he didn’t move back in, she wouldn’t report it. My mother pushed it under the rug and told me I needed to stop being a dramatic teenager. My father was never told (until I told him as an adult).
Fast-forward 20 years… I am now a healthy, well-adjusted wife and mother. I put myself through years of therapy as an adult. I would love to send my family the bill. None of this was a lie. It’s a shame because I think my whole family could have been helped back then, and instead, we are estranged. My parents and brother are both very unhealthy. For the sake of YOUR children, it is important that you follow through with the SIL. Take your husband with you to a therapist. This needs to be addressed, like, yesterday.
For your sake, and the sake of your children, I hope that this accusation isn’t true. But please don’t sweep it under the rug like my mother did. Your SIL deserves to be heard, and if it’s true, your kids need to be protected.

Tonya Reply:

Clearly, I need help with my Internet skills. The comment below was meant for you, vodka tonic.

01.09.12#16

Comment by Tonya.

Wow, thank you so much for being so honest. This is really good advice. Your strength and honesty are truly inspiring.

06.12.12#17

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