27 Apr
My New Bod Makes Me Wanna Flirt!

Happy Friday, everyone! Is is just me, or are you ready for your third margarita already? Who cares if it’s 8am! ::hiccup:: On that note, I’d like to introduce you to today’s guest designated driver Mouthy Housewife! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog has more wit in her Mother’s Apron than I do in both of my saddle bags. COMBINED. Which is why we’re leaving her in charge of the joint while Kelcey, Marinka, Wendi and I try to find a bartender that will ask to see our IDs. Enjoy! –Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve recently lost about 40lbs. I have a lot more to go, though, and going to the gym has been a big priority for me. Recently, this cute guy who works at my gym has been hitting on me. Asking very obvious questions about my interests, schedule, etc. I know, as an  empowered, modern woman, I’m supposed to be turned off by his forwardness, but I gotta admit, after being fat and invisible for so  long, it feels really nice to be noticed–and by a hottie, nonetheless!

I’m happily married, and my husband is deployed, and I have NO intention of cheating or taking this cutie up on any potential offer. No. Not going to happen.

BUT, knowing he’ll be there and I can enjoy a little eye candy while I work out and perhaps even get a little ego boost…well, let’s say it makes for VERY good motivation to keep getting my butt up bright and early and hitting the sneakers.

My relationship status has never come up. My wedding ring doesn’t fit, so I don’t wear it. And eventually, if he musters the desire to actually ask me out, I’ll have to tell him I’m married. And then I’m kind of afraid the flirting will stop. Ethically, I know it SHOULD stop, but I’d really hate to lose that little boost I get every morning. I don’t want to lead the guy on, but I also don’t want to make his  comments seem unwelcome.

Ack! Any advice?

Ethically Challenged

___________________________________________

My Dear Ethically Challenged,

As the previous owner of a ba-donka-donk that could knock down skinny women at the buffet line (Whoops! Sorry, watch for the other cheek, I’m turning around!), I feel your joy. Becoming the skinny hot chick after living inside the body of a chubby gal is a powerful feeling. So is programming your DVR from your laptop.

What’s not such a fun feeling is CRUSHING GUILT and SELF-LOATHING. And that’s where you might be headed if this flirting gets out of hand. (Self-loathing is also possible if you set your DVR to record Lifetime movies. You’ve been warned.)

But no worries: I’ve got a plan that will allow you to soak up the good vibrations from McSweaty and keep your marriage safe three months from now when you might otherwise find yourself in the locker room showing him your new biceps workout—without your pants on.

The first step is to incorporate mentions of your husband. When McSweaty asks what you like to do for fun, tell him that when your husband isn’t deployed, you and he like to have tobacco spitting contests. This is a gentle way to introduce your husband into the conversation, as well as hint at your disgusting tobacco chewing habit that, even if McSweaty is warm for your form, is a bit of a turn off.

The second step is to let your personal hygiene deteriorate in inverse proportion to your ever shrinking hot bod. For every pound you lose, skip an essential grooming step. Bye-bye deodorant! Sayonara leg shaving! Toothbrush? What toothbrush? At this rate, by the time you reach your goal, you’ll have pulled a reverse nanny McPhee, becoming more hideous (think long chin hairs and poppy seed studded teeth) as you become more toned. How you like her now, McSweaty?

Should he still be flirty after all this time, it will be your job to find a new gym or become a hefty gal again. Because your marriage is worth it, m’kay? And supplement with liberal doses of Ryan Gosling.


He makes every woman feel . . .hold on . . . can’t type . . . Gosling hot flash.

But don’t worry. Now that you’re sexy and you know it, there are bound to be a host of new admirers that can toss a little light flirting your way. McSweaty isn’t the only game in town. How do you feel about the UPS guy?

Nicole, Guest TMH

15 Responses to “My New Bod Makes Me Wanna Flirt!”

04.27.12#1

Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

I’m doubly impressed that you exercise AND flirt at the gym considering I only manage to read Vanity Fair on the mats.

Nicole is right – gotta nip it. Husband away, new body, new admirer. That will lead to dangerous territory in time.

04.27.12#2

Comment by Marie Antoinette Caballero.

Loved it. Im super glad this was the first thing I read this FRIDAY.

04.27.12#3

Comment by Anna.

You can program your DVR from your laptop? How did I not know this?

04.27.12#4

Comment by Plano Mom.

There is nothing wrong with a little flirtation, as long as everyone is honest with where it goes. Right now, you’re not being honest, but you don’t know if he is either. So mentioning the hubs is appropriate right now.

Oh, and as the wife of a jeweler, it doesn’t cost very much to have that wedding ring resized. Alternatively, a plain gold ring doesn’t cost much either. I think you need to take care of that now.

StephanieG Reply:

Agreed! Go buy a simple gold band in a size that fits and wear it!!

Plano mom, I sure would like to know which jeweler husband is yours. I’ve fallen out with our Irving area family jeweler and need a replacement I can trust!

Plano Mom Reply:

Fullers Jewelry in Addison. Ask for Plano Mom’s husband. I’ll tell him to expect it.

04.27.12#5

Comment by Muffintopmommy.

See, this is precisely why I work hard to keep my muffin top around.

Steph Reply:

hee hee too funny!

04.27.12#6

Comment by Cait.

I completely agree. With the nipping the flirting in the bud and the amazement over the capabilities of DVR. That said, you have every right to enjoy the body you’re working so hard for. Let him know that you’re happily married, but that his attention has been a nice boost to your ego. Maybe he’ll keep it up in a friendly fashion. If not, go find yourself a gay man who can sing your praises with no threat to your virtue. Congrats on your loss and keep it up!

04.27.12#7

Comment by Wendi.

Ha! So funny. Thanks for joining us today, Nicole.

Nicole Reply:

My pleasure. Really, really.

04.27.12#8

Comment by Plano Mom.

And it just occurred to me to say this, but girls… tell your girlfriends, and any other woman you see, how amazing she looks that day. If we really tried to notice other women, and let them know when we do, how many women out there would stop thinking they didn’t measure up? My neighbor told me last week that she’d noticed I’d lost a lot of weight. I’m still thrilled she said something.

04.29.12#9

Comment by Keesha.

This was hilarious, Nicole. You need a talk show!
As someone who is a sucker for a compliment, this post was a nice Dynasty style slap back to reality.

07.17.12#10

Comment by Invasion of the Body Snatchers | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] am a healthy eater, so I’m basically skinny until ……dun dun dunnn…..”the pouch.” It’s embarrassing, especially in a dress that outlines every curve. […]

10.12.12#11

Comment by My Husband is GIving the Neighbors the Silent Treatment | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] baaaa-aack! Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog is back at the Mouthy Clubhouse today, and we couldn’t be happier to have her. (And not just because […]

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