13 Sep
My Husband Was Invited to a Bachelor Party. My Married Husband.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband’s friend is getting married and is having a bachelor party! With strippers and everything! My husband said he is really looking forward to hanging out with his friends, but I’m annoyed and don’t want him to go. He thinks I’m over-reacting and told me that everyone goes to strip clubs once in a while. Am I a prude?

Signed,

Prudence
_____________________________________________________________

Dear Prudence,

Seriously, I just now realized that prude and prudence are practically the same word. Seriously, do other people know this? And is prune in that family too? English! What a language!

Here’s how I see your problem: Your husband is excited to see some strippers and you’re not really into human trafficking. It’s definitely a sticky situation. And it may be one in which you never see eye to eye.

But is it a deal breaker?

If your husband goes to the strip club and gets a lap dance but it goes no further, is that acceptable? How about if he maintains a respectful distance at all times from the..er..talent? What if he attends but averts his gaze and recites a few psalms?

Hopefully somewhere in there the two of you will be able to come to a compromise that you both can live with. But at the end, he has to make the call on this one. Because although not wanting your partner to go to a strip club doesn’t make you a prude, I so believe that grown men need to be able to decide what events they will and will not attend. And the trust that you have in your husband should not hinge on that decision.

Best wishes,

Marinka, TMH

37 Responses to “My Husband Was Invited to a Bachelor Party. My Married Husband.”

09.13.12#1

Comment by Tempo.

Yes, you are being a prude. I promise, your husband watches/reads/looks at porn. Strippers, while in the flesh, are no more threatening. If you’re sure the sight of breasts will drive him into an unfaithful craze of lust, you have more to worry about in the future than this strip club.

If you are concerned about the dehumanizing/victimizing of those poor girls in the strip club…stop. Many, though not 100%, are more than capable of making their own choices about what to do about their sexuality without your judgement/pity/help. Just like how not 100% of the girls you went to school with we’re capable of making smart sexual decisions.

Take some deep breaths and tell your husband to have a good time.

private Reply:

Strip clubs are about lap dances. Lap dances are naked women or women in nothing more than a g-string moving seductively on top of your husband to turn him on. Their goal is to give him an erection and brush up against it.

NO it’s not ok. YES it is sexual infidelity.

It’s paying another woman to interact with them sexually. Don’t be stupid.

09.13.12#2

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

Men DO go to this kind of bachelor parties, but the thing goes no further. They comment on the strippers, joke and make fun of each other, but it usually ends there.
I can understand your annoyance, but it is really no big deal.

Let him go with no further discussions and… how about organising your own little lap dance with him one of these nights? 😉

private Reply:

What dream world do you live in? My husband, an actually decent guy recently attended a bachelor party and never, ever will again. The guys (at least the ones with money) spent the night with strippers on their laps and big grins on their faces.

It’s only not a big deal if you married your husband for a pay check and a daddy. If you expect sexual exclusivity in your marriage, this is a huge deal. It’s infidelity, the same way that you sitting on some other guys lap in a bar with him rubbing his erect penis against your clothed vagina… it’s called frottery.

09.13.12#3

Comment by christy.

I know I’ll probably be in the minority here, but I wouldn’t want my husband going either. I honestly can’t imagine being married to a man who would want to attend this kind of thing. I find it sad and disgusting. A ‘respectable distance’ from the talent?! What is that? A lapdance, BUT NO further? How is a naked/semi naked woman gyrating on a married man okay? I don’t get it. I don’t get bachelor parties with strippers and I don’t get strip clubs. Sigh.

Ashley Reply:

You may be in the minority, but I’m right there with you, AND so is my husband. My husband went to a strip club in his youth (like 18 or 19–well before he met me) and he was so disgusted by it he decided to never go back to one. He’s a totally normal dude. We have a great sex life. Strippers and porn just aren’t his thing. He’s not into it. And it’s not my doing–we’ve had really open, honest conversations about all of it.

A lot of women like to say, “Oh, every man loves porn. Every man loves strippers. Get used to it, prude!” But that isn’t true. Men, like women, are individuals, and if she is really and truly uncomfortable? Well, I know she can’t make rules for her husband, but she has a right to voice his concerns and he needs a better reason for ignoring them than “everyone is doing it.”

hlenhart Reply:

I totally agree with ya’ll. I found this thread because I got married two weeks ago and my now-husband ended up a drunk and at a strip club. He says he doesn’t remember going or getting there, and his friends all apologized to me as they said they didn’t realize what a big deal it would be and that he was so drunk at that point he had no part in saying yes to going, but it bothers me still. I read something online that sums up exactly how I, and I believe most women who are honest with their feelings, feel about it.
“The location of his party suggested he needed one last hurrah before we got married, and it offended me. Our marriage was supposed to be one long hurrah: something we looked forward to, not something from which we needed a reprieve. Sure it’s idealistic, but if you can’t afford some idealism the week before you get married, when can you? The strip club wasn’t the issue; it was the timing of the visit that bothered me. So when he promised to never go again, I could honestly say I wouldn’t care if he did. We’d already be married during that next visit; it wouldn’t be a statement about our impending union. I learned the hard way how important it is not to be naïve about my feelings. Just because I didn’t have a problem with strip clubs when I was young and single didn’t mean that I wouldn’t find a visit to one disrespectful and hurtful the week before my wedding.”
I also don’t understand the thought that having a naked person rubbing their body all over yours in an effort to arouse you is anything but cheating, and I’m sure that most of these men would not like the idea of their wife having a very attractive practically naked man touching his wife in an arousing way. But that’s the double standard isn’t it?

private Reply:

My husband and I had the relationship that others envied…. until he went to a bachelor party and got a lap dance.

Now I wish that I had never married him, but I’m Catholic and we have children, so I’m here trying to work through this.

I used to worry about him getting into a car accident. The idea of losing him was the worst feeling in the world. I still love him, but I don’t have those feelings any more. I don’t.

He says that he just wanted to be part of the group. He says that a stripper walked up to the table and asked if they wanted company and he said “yeah, sure” and that she sat down on his lap. He says that he was shocked and tried to ignore her. He says that when she didn’t just go away, he figured that he needed to pay her for something to make her go away, so he blurted “lap dance for me… and he’s the groom, one for the groom”….

He says, he says, he says.

Too bad he said that I was the only woman he ever wanted. Too bad that he promised to be faithful. Too bad he said that anything sexual would only be between us, for the rest of our lives…. he said that too.

Lap dances are cheating. They are sexual contact. Going to strip clubs is not ha, ha, pats on the back with the boys.

I know because my husband actually told me the truth. He was actually upset about what he had done and just how far over the line it was. Don’t be stupid like I was, thinking that bachelor parties at strip clubs were like bachelorette parties which involve teasing about sex and an irreverant attitude with maybe an embarassing moment for the bachelor. No, they are an excuse for married men to sit around with naked or mostly naked size 0-4 women on their laps and have those women rub against them sexually. Just FYI…. I wish that we had known.

09.13.12#4

Comment by jetts31.

Dear Prudence,

I would be happy to take your husband’s place if you and he decide he won’t be going.

09.13.12#5

Comment by When I Blink.

Well, times like these, just remember it’s not about your husband. It’s about his friend and how his friend is choosing to celebrate. Your hub just wants to be a good buddy and take part in the celebration.

My husband used to host business partners from Japan regularly. They ALWAYS wanted to go to the super-swanky strip club here for dinner. He managed to divert them sometimes; but occasionally he would take them where they wanted to go. He always came home laughing.

Sometimes it’s just nice manners to do what the guest of honor wants to do. Unless the guest of honor says, “Let’s all eat live eels!” or “Let’s go on a killing spree!” Then maybe not.

hlenhart Reply:

and if his friends wanted a prostitute? Would that be “nice manners” too? Or where do you draw the line?

09.13.12#6

Comment by ColdBlooded.

I think that if your husband doesn’t go because YOU don’t want him to go then you are THAT wife and he’s going to resent you or worse, not tell you the plans the next time and go anyway. Strip clubs are really not that big of deal and will probably make your husband appreciate the non-sleaziness he has at home.

sisterfunkhaus Reply:

What about him being THAT husband who does something that is going to make his wife resent him, or worse?

Why is it always brought back on the woman that she should be the one to worry about upsetting her husband, when she may be equally or MORE upset and resentful if he goes? I know many women who view strip clubs as a form in infidelity. It would be nice if the husband would care and honor his wife enough not to put her through being upset and resentful for years possibly, so he could go out for one night of fun.

I am really just curious as to why it’s okay for him to push her feelings aside and her live with the anger and resentment, but if she says no, she is “that” wife. Total double standard.

deedee Reply:

I agree, why is a woman being controlling,
insecure, jealous and other things just be
cause she tells her husband how she feels
about this type thing and is opposed to it.
Why do we never hear about the man that is
so insecure in his own masculinity that he
can’t stand up to peer pressure say no, and
therefore too ashamed or embarrassed to show his partner the respect she deserves?

As for I don’t care where he gets his
appetite as long as he comes home to eat,
some of us consider our sex lives as a bit more than just entertainment. We
don’t want someone elses leftovers nor do we care to be used as part of the nights entertainment just because we are
clean and its free and part of our job,
spare us the ultimate insult.

Every couple should decide how they feel
about this kind of thing, this isn’t like disagreeing on the model care to buy for paint color and etc., this is
something that affects both partners in the relationship in the most private, intimate and a very important part of their life, THEIR SEX LIFE which should be what ever those 2 people want, need or
enjoy and that is where some of feel the
strip tease dances and lap dances and etc
belong, that keeps the sex life alive,
interesting and exciting as time goes by,
and when either partner goes outside that
relationship/marriage for that stimulation and arousal against the feelings and wishes of his/her partner you bet we feel it is cheating.

strip clubs and the like are for one thing and that is SEXUAL ENTERTAINMENT?,
PLEASURE, which is FOREPLAY and that is
stimulation and arousal and if one partner in the relationship is opposed to
it and the other partner does it anyway
it shows disrespect and disregard for the
feelings of their partner, it shows
disrespect for the partners place in that
special part of the couples life and makes it insignificant and nothing special and yes it can hurt enough and do
enough damage to destroy a marriage/relationship.

I don’t expect many of you to agree with me but I am speaking from experience not
only my own but many many others as well.

By the way, going to a strip club not
getting a lap dance is like going to an
ice cream parlor not tasting the ice cream, talk to a few bartenders or bouncers, any men will end up saying, so
what, you know what goes on there, why did you agree for me to go. I am an
old lady and this happened to me many many years ago, and since I have for years listened, learned and watched, if
you are uncomfortable with this type thing be honest and upfront with your partner, tell him/ her how you feel about
it and no you are not being controlling or insecure, you are being honest.

09.13.12#7

Comment by Mandy.

There’s stuff we all don’t get to do once we’re married. I mean, that’s if we value our partners’ feelings over our own. For me, a strip club isn’t that big of a deal, especially if he takes me with him. But my husband has never been to a strip club and has no interest in ever going to one. He says he’s always been turned off by the idea of someone taking the basic human drive for sex and profiting off of it. Who knows. Whatever, that’s his deal and that’s fine with me.

But there are other things we both do for each other to make each other feel safe in our relationship. Going to a singles club/meat market and getting drunk with my friends is not an option for me anymore. It would make him feel insecure in the relationship. And to be honest, I wouldn’t be all that cool with him doing it either. So we don’t. Because we value each others’ feelings over a night out with our friends, whatever the venue. I figure when you get married, you do make some changes and some sacrifices. You’re no longer a selfish individual only out for your own pleasure. You have to consider the two of you as an entity, rather than just yourself.

I’m not saying that’s for everyone, but it’s the choice we have both made in our marriage. The marriage is something bigger and more long term than one night out with a bunch of friends.

That’s my take, anyway. I’m sure lots of folks will disagree with me. But that’s okay. We all get to choose what kind of marriage/relationship we want to be in. What works for me might not work for you and vice versa. The trick is in finding someone who wants the same kind of relationship you do.

Kelly Reply:

Well said and well said.

Jess Reply:

Incredibly well said! Marriage is not about loving and respecting your partner, unless it starts interfering with the ol’ social calendar. No one wants to be THAT wife…but a man who would put his hormones, or even his buddies, over the security his wife feels in their marriage? Who wants THAT husband?

vodka tonic Reply:

YES.

09.13.12#8

Comment by Sue Diamond-Phillips.

I don’t think you are a prude at all. Wanting your husband to not want to go is not wrong. You love your husband, and um…sometimes, when you love someone, the thought of them looking at someone elses boobies and more, hurts your feelings. I’m sure my opinions are also “prude-like”. I feel for ya, and you are totally not wrong for how you feel! I wouldn’t tell my husband not to go, but i wouldn’t have to. He just wouldn’t. And furthermore, “everyone” does not go to strip clubs. That is ridonk. It’s like saying, “everyone loves kids”. Some do, some don’t. Hope it all works out for you.

09.13.12#9

Comment by Lib.

Ugh, I hare this kind of shit. I feel for her – when I was married, I hated the pressure to just be totally okay with men looking at porn or going to strip clubs. I never forbid it – who wants to be that wife? – but it chipped away at me and I constantly wondered how we as feminists got to the place where we’re all just supposed to be A-ok and “sex positive!” about our mates in the presence of a (usually) younger nekkid lady. Blerg.

Good luck, Prudence. You’ve got my sympathy.

Lib Reply:

And by “hare” I meant “hate.”

Danielle Reply:

I don’t see a bunch of men freaking out over “women porn” aka 50 shades of grey. All humans are interested in seeing strange boobs/penis. Doesn’t mean we don’t love our spouses less.

Lib Reply:

I don’t feel comfortable saying that “all humans” are interested in anything. But that’s just me. Cheers!

Danielle Reply:

The way I look at it, some people are honest with themsleves and some people are too busy trying to repress everything. I don’t look at porn or go to strip clubs but I like to read romance novels. For a female that is the same thing as porn and strip clubs for men.

09.13.12#10

Comment by nostripclubs.

If a relationship is suppose to be on equal ground today *impossible* then it is perfectly fair to say you are uncomfortable. You are not one of “those wives”…Quite the contrary. You are communicating. And really innocent lap dance that goes no further? Welcome to fantasyland. Know how rampant sexual addiction is these days? 2012 is not your daddy’s playboy or penthouse. So much more. Stand your ground, and offer him your own lap dance later!

09.13.12#11

Comment by Leslie.

Men don’t really do anything at strip clubs. My Ex husband used to invite me when the guys would go, I went once or twice… You have nothing to worry about, there is no sex in the champane room.

09.13.12#12

Comment by Vikki.

Very important note people, it’s a bachelor party, not a club. Sometimes things do lead to more in a private situation. If you genuinely believe he won’t be unfaithful though and he and the groom are good friends, I say let him go. I wouldn’t want my hubby going, but I might let him. Talk to him share your concerns, whether it’s infidelity, a lap dance, just her presence, or more your insecurity. Make a decision together. It doesn’t make you “that wife” set some ground rules, be honest, listen to him and always share your feelings.

09.13.12#13

Comment by rojopaul.

I’m with Prudence and the rest of those that say no, she shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting her hubby to participate. And I feel really sorry for the wife to be that her husband wants a bachelor party with a stripper. And if it’s a surprise and he doesn’t really know, then I feel bad he has lousy friends. (That’s a lot of ands.)

Personally speaking, this is not the kind of practice I want to engage in. I’m not a raging feminist, but I just don’t see it as fun. I find it humiliating to the women and you see the piggish side of men. I find the whole thing sad and disgusting. I realize not everyone shares my opinion, but I also don’t think she should be pressured to give in just because it’s “the norm.” It’s not the norm for a lot of people and there’s nothing wrong with that.

09.13.12#14

Comment by Kelly.

Good perspectives here. One more thought: offer your husband a choice: he goes and you don’t complain, but you get a designer handbag/day at the spa/whatever-trade-off-will-make-this-feel-ok-for-you OR he joins the guys for dinner and drinks then comes home for a night of sexy fun with his wife and falls asleep with a smile on his face…pitch it in a way that makes him feel like he isn’t being emasculated by his wife, but under terms that make you feel like you’re getting something in return if he goes out…good luck!

09.14.12#15

Comment by Tabitha.

In my opinion, I wouldn’t want my husband to go to a party where there are going to be strippers, but I wouldn’t tell him that he can’t go either. I am not that wife that tells her husband what he can and can’t do, I allow him to make his own decisions. If my husband did decide to go to something like that I TRUST him enough to know that he would never do anything to ruin the relationship and family that we have built. I would expect him home at a decent hour and he better not spend an excessive amount of money, as we live on a budget and don’t have the money for him to be sticking dollar bills in some woman’s g-string. Good Luck to you & I hope that you and your husband come to some kind of decision that makes you both happy!

09.15.12#16

Comment by Peajaye.

Not that it’s going to change anyone’s mind, but I think it’s sort of important not to conflate porn with stripping. Putting economic freedom/justice issues for women aside, if your husband is looking at pictures, that’s something very different from interacting with Live Nude, Totally Nude women in the flesh.

Here’s a secret that men don’t often tell women: men sometimes lie. (I hear some women do it too.) So sometimes, when a husband tells his wife that nothing went on in the club, that cold sore on his lip – and soon to be on her lip – might just be something more than just a cold sore.

Because sometimes, I’ve heard, that when men get drunk and are with their friends, they do Fun (aka Stupid) Things.

But look, lots of people are in lots of different kinds of marriages. There are many places in the world where men are expected to have more than one wife. There are even reality shows about similar kinds of arrangements, right here in these United States of America. And just look at how happy those sister-wives are.

But like a lot of people already pointed out here, if Prudence’s relationship with her husband is a good one, they will talk about this and work it out.

09.16.12#17

Comment by Katie R-G.

My husband and I just had this conversation (slightly less nudity involved) yesterday. We were passing a bar he used to frequent, and the marquee advertised “Bikini lunch specials”, meaning the skinny, young, perky-breasted waitresses were serving greasy burgers and flat beer whilst in their skimpy bikinis. I hated the thought of my husband spending any time there. At it’s core, my concern is that he’d be attracted to the women. I’m insecure. I’m 7 months pregnant, 40lbs heavier than when we first started dating, and not nearly as “lively” now that I’m always tired. REGARDLESS of my taking the blame for my own insecurities, I do trust him when he says he doesn’t go there and that even if he were in a situation where chicks were flaunting their goodies to earn a tip, he’s married to me and he’s loyal.

I have trust issues from my prior life, but that’s MY bag.

Trust that your husband will behave in a respectful manner. If you can’t, then you may have something deeper that needs to be addressed ASAP.

09.16.12#18

Comment by MomofTeens.

Yes, not only are you being a prude, but you just expressed to your husband that you don’t trust him, his judgement, or his ability to make the right decision.

It’s a strip club, and unless you live in Nevada, or Wisconsin, they aren’t completely nude, as in the girls must have some sort of clothing on to cover their breasts and hooha’s at all times.

Men look. All. The. Time. You can’t stop it. You can’t make him not look. If he stops looking you might as well bury him 6ft under. Women look too. Don’t deny it, you know you do. Channing Tatum shows up on your screen, yeah, you’re gonna look. The cute guy at the Grocery store who smiles at you whenever you come in, yeah, don’t deny that you like that too.

I’m not going to say let him go, because that would mean you have his balls in a jar on your night stand. What I am going to say is that I think you really need to look at the whole picture before you pitch a prude fit and tell him that if he goes you are packing your things and going back to Mommy’s house.

Texas Reply:

That’s not true in the state of Texas. First of all the “topless only” clubs are women in tiny g-strings and nothing more. We also have fully nude clubs here in Texas. Further, you need to know what a lap dance is and it is probably not what you think. To begin, the stripper is on the mans groin and she grinds against his erection to cause arousal / sexual pleasure. It’s not about looking. When men walk into the clubs, the “entertainers” will chat them up and ask if they can have a seat. If the guy says yes, she promptly sits on his lap and begins chatting him up with the expectation that he will buy a drink for her (which she gets financially rewarded for by the club) or that he will purchase a lap dance. I know because I didn’t want to be a prude and I didn’t say anything to my husband. I assumed that he would not have strippers sitting on his lap and that he wouldn’t purchase sexual contact in the form of a lap dance. Coming from the midwest where contact between strippers and clients is prohibited, he was shocked when a stripper sat down on his lap. When she didn’t go away, he realized that he was expected to buy a dance and didn’t want to look like a jerk / novice (even though he hadn’t been in one of those places for 11 years), so he bought a lap dance. We are in marriage counseling because a woman in nothing but a g-string grinding her barely covered vagina and buttocks into my husbands erection is obviously sexual contact and a form of sexual infidelity. Please find out what really goes on in strip clubs before calling other women prudes. It really is more than most women know about because the level of contact has increased astronomically in recent years.

MomofTeens Reply:

I am more than aware of what a lap dance entails. I am more than aware of what happens in most strip clubs, minus those in Vegas (as I’ve never been to Vegas).

However, my opinion that her being a “prude” does not change. It is about trust and communication and what I got from her letter to the mouthy housewives, was she didn’t trust her husband, nor did she trust the people he was going with, or the girls at the club.

I honestly could care less if she “let” him go or not. That choice is between her and her husband.

Everyone has choices, and there are consequences to those choices we make. Good or bad.

09.18.12#19

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

I think the issue here is not a husband who regularly goes to strip clubs, but a husband who’s going to his buddy’s bachelor party in a strip club.
It sounds like a once-in-a-while thing, and it’s being done in a group.
I maintain it’s no big deal, unless the wife makes it so.
But then I feel more’s at stake in this marriage, if his mere going once for a bachelors party upsets her so much.

Ashley Reply:

To some people it is a big deal, and that’s okay. Those feelings are valid. Also saying there’s more at stake here if this is such a big deal is an awfully big judgment to make about a marriage based on this one thing.

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