15 Feb
Marriage Wide Open?

Continuing our toast to testosterone here at The Mouthy Housewives:

We have Greg from one of my favorite blogs: DogsonDrugs.com. Don’t worry he doesn’t advocate for putting our household pets on medication, although I’m not sure he’s necessarily against it. What he does do is answer a weekly hypothetical on his own blog (which makes him perfect for doling out advice here). He’s answered questions like: If you could be 5 again, would you? and How much money would a bank have to possess before you’d consider robbing it? You know, the really pertinent stuff we all need to know the answers to. — Tonya

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

A couple of weeks ago when Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife said in an interview that he proposed an open marriage to her, I discussed the subject with my husband.  I asked him if an open marriage appealed to him and he said “of course! It appeals to every man!”

WHAT?

Is this true? And is my closed marriage doomed?

Signed,

Confused

———————————-
Dear Confused,

Wait, you asked your husband if an open marriage appealed to him?  Really?  How long before he was running out the front door without pants?  Ten seconds?  Twenty?  I bet you were regretting that move when he came home wearing an orgy ‘stache, reeking of massage oil and Astroglide.  What were you thinking?

Well, I’ll tell you what you were thinking.  You were thinking that men are like women and will decipher a question for its hidden meaning and respond accordingly.  Here’s how this conversation would’ve gone if you had tried it out on your best friend first:

You:  Do you think my husband would find an open marriage appealing?

Friend:  (Hmmm, what’s she getting at here?  I think she’s trying to tell me that she’s feeling insecure, but I’m not sure why.)  Oh, don’t be crazy.  Jim is nuts about you, he’d never even think about something like that!

You:  Thanks!  You’re probably right.  Hey!  Let’s watch Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood again!

(Note that my mental image of how women interact with each other is slightly skewed.)

But guys are way more literal.  So when you said, “Does an open marriage appeal to you?”, here’s what he heard:  “Does an open marriage appeal to you?”  Crazy, huh?  And so he answered honestly.  But what he didn’t tell you was that while something may appeal to him, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is something that he would want to do.

For instance, I may find the idea of sitting on the couch, drinking beer, and surfing hillbilly porn all day appealing, but in reality I wouldn’t want to do that.  I know that I need to lead a richer and more rewarding life, and so I’ll take a break every ten hours or so or maybe switch to whiskey.

Likewise, and let’s be honest here, you’ve probably thought about doing all kinds of crazy, dirty, nasty, slutty things to Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds, or (if you’re severely brain damaged) Carrot Top.  And did you think those things because the CIA beamed thought control waves at you and forced you to think them?  No, you thought them because they appeal to you, at least in theory.  In practice, you are a married woman.  Also Bradley Cooper is gay, and Ryan Reynolds has a conjoined twin growing out of his forehead that they remove via special effects.  (His twin’s name is Oscar, by the way, and Oscar spits at women and Latinos whenever he gets the chance.  His favorite color is blue.)

But the point here is that you shouldn’t worry when you find out that certain things appeal to your husband.  Instead, you should be understanding and encourage him to tell you about other things he finds erotic, or titillating.  Hahaha, just kidding.  Trust me, you do NOT want to know what’s going on in that guy’s head.  Guys are filthy, disgusting, perverts who cannot walk thirty feet in public without thinking of something that would make Larry Flynt cry.  But that doesn’t mean he would actually go ahead and do them, which is exactly why your closed marriage is safe.

Good Luck!

Signed,

Greg, DogsonDrugs.com

22 Responses to “Marriage Wide Open?”

02.15.12#1

Comment by Brett Minor.

Greg, as usual, you said it perfectly. Our minds are twisted, perverted places. However, we rarely act on those impulses. There are some men that do and we have a name for them: Congressmen. But very few women are married to congressmen and do not have to worry about it.

DogsOnDrugs.com Reply:

Right… rarely act on those impulses… (shifts eyes side to side)

02.15.12#2

Comment by melanie.

Perhaps most disturbing is that this topic of “open marriage” (I mean, does anyone know of anybody who actually has one of these?) Was raised by Newt Gingrich. NEWT GINGRICH. If women will do the bad thing with Newt, ain’t nobody safe.

Dawn Reply:

not that i want one–but i do know a few couples with open marriages. And they work. FOR THEM. it is seriously more work than a real marriage.

Dawn Reply:

but yeah–the nasty + Newt? i need to go scrub my brain.

02.15.12#3

Comment by Marinka.

Great advice, Greg! Although this whole guys are more literal and hear just what you said thing is a bit out there, if you ask me!

😉

02.15.12#4

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

Sounds like some of the guys posting are the types who have read “The Code” a few too many times.

My husband and I are very honest with each other and I did not ask him about the topic, but he brought it up b/c he read an article about it and was perplexed. He told me he hates when I even laugh at another guy’s jokes, he certainly couldn’t imagine an open marriage where I was having sex or a relationship with another man. He said (without me asking)that while he looks at other women and whatnot, he is perfectly happy having sex with just me (I am pretty naughty in bed.) He told me that if I ever asked him for something like that, he would divorce me!! He was quite serious, and all of this was unsolicited. He was telling me out of disgust for the idea.

I also give enough credit to men to know that many feel the way my husband does. While I know that all straight men fantasize about other women and are total purvs, all men aren’t immoral jackasses. I don’t think that all or even close to all men are attracted to open marriage. And since 75-85% of Americans disapprove of open marriage and 92% fail, I think that writing about how pretty much all men find it appealing and making light of it is B.S. and is just one more thing to make women feel insecure when there is no need for that.

I think this woman needs to have a little talk with her husband and ask him what he means/how far he would take it. If he expresses a real interest and would actually go through with it if she agreed, it’s probably therapy time. Or, he may say that he would never do it. In that case, he needs to learn to keep his mouth shut, and she needs to learn to stop baiting him.

Ace Reply:

I’m with you. My husband holds no double standards, and I know that he feels the same way your husband does regarding me with other men. I don’t imagine him turning around and thinking, ‘But I’M the MAN, and I could totally go boink another woman.’ I like your comment.

02.15.12#5

Comment by Wendi.

So funny.

Also, do you know if Oscar Reynolds is single?

Tonya Reply:

i think you two would make a great couple!

DogsOnDrugs.com Reply:

Sorry, he’s attached. (rimshot)

02.15.12#6

Comment by Annie.

Great advice but I’m still stuck on the term orgy ‘stache. It will now be in my head ALL day – thanks for that!

DogsOnDrugs.com Reply:

Oh, it could’ve been much, much worse…

02.15.12#7

Comment by open-divorced.

I would be part of the 92% sisterfunkhaus mentions. I agree many men find the idea of multiple partners appealing. But I doubt many of the same ones enjoy thinking about another man porking their wives. So for them it’s just an unrealistic fantasy.
As for me, it was an attempted band-aid to save a failing marriage. It wasn’t her idea but she loved me enough to try it. And we failed. Or I failed. One of the rules was to not fall in love. Seems reasonable, but turned out easier conceived then done. When I met my (now-ex) girlfriend I realized my marriage was missing something critical. Happiness. It soon thereafter ended. A ten year marriage down the drain. She was devastated. I had someone new as my emotional life boat. I told my wife I wasn’t leaving her for my young girlfriend, but leaving for happiness. I didn’t expect the new realtionship to be everlasting, and it wasn’t. But I still know I’m happier now than if I had stayed. I still have happiness, and I think my ex-wife is getting there too.
Our marriage was toxic and needed to end. That wasn’t a very good way to do it. I’m not proud of what I’ve done. I’ve always been the type to learn the hard way. Once I started the new relationship it was clear I didn’t want an open one. I wanted her all to myself and liked that she felt the same way about me.
Open marriage may work for some, but it wasn’t really for me. Maybe I’m just a serial monogamist. But that’s another thread entirely. So there you go.

Tonya Reply:

Thanks for your extremely honest comment. Relationships are hard. I believe some marriages can work on an open basis while most do not. What works for one couple doesn’t necessarily work for another.

02.15.12#8

Comment by Becky Rice.

“…who cannot walk thirty feet in public without thinking of something that would make Larry Flynt cry”

So true — I could not wipe the grin from my face when I read it.

02.15.12#9

Comment by Plano Mom.

1) You brought it up
2) He was honest about the answer
3) You clam up and stop communicating
4) Both of you make assumptions that might or might not be accurate about motivation behind actions

Time to sit down and talk about what the boundaries are, what’s behind them, and why you are special and unique to each other.

02.15.12#10

Comment by Lady Estrogen.

That was perfectly fabulous.
Make Larry Flynt cry? I think I’d be up to that challenge, actually…

02.15.12#11

Comment by Vesta Vayne.

I agree with you Greg – dudes are literal, ladies sometimes are not. My husband will often avoid a question if he’s uncertain why I’m asking. So I have to preface it with ‘This isn’t a trick and I’m not going to get mad.’

Then he sighs with relief and answers. And even if I don’t like the answer, I don’t get mad.

02.17.12#12

Comment by Cate8.

Astro-glide is not as good as it is cracked up to be. Just sayin’

02.19.12#13

Comment by thedoseofreality.

Your reply honestly made me laugh out loud! I do feel like I should tell you that we women would discuss the topic with our girlfriends far longer than you realize. We would have to weigh the various points over and over again before we moved on to our favorite movie, probably The Notebook, where we would extol the virtues of Ryan Gosling, a man we are SURE would never consider an open marriage! 😉
Oh, and men probably totally tell themselves that Bradley Cooper is gay so they don’t have to cry themselves to sleep every night and ask God why he hates them. Just my guess.
Great reply, for sure. Loved it!
Ashley
http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2011/11/10/why-chromosomes/

02.26.12#14

Comment by Brian.

I don’t know that, “Of course! It Appeals to every man!” is an honest answer. I think it isn’t even an answer really. If I said that to my wife, I’d probably just be saying what I thought she expected me to say. It’s a standard line. Of course! I’m a man, and I have a great sexual appetite! I’d probably be caught off guard by the question, not knowing why it was being asked, not give a very thoughtful response.

Consider Checking Out...