10 Feb
Lonely Girl and the Absent Hubby

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been married for 25 years. My husband and I are both in our mid-40’s. About five years ago, my husband lost his job and he has had three different jobs since then. He currently works 12-14 hour days, sometimes works weekends and never even calls during the day to say “hi.”   I work a full time job, take care of the house, and help out our kids (who live at home while attending college).

I am feeling extremely lonely at this time. I have asked my husband to come home for dinner at least a few nights a week, but this never happens. I am getting very resentful. I feel like since all he does is work, we have nothing in common anymore and nothing to talk about. He thinks I am a nag, unrealistic and since the economy is so bad, I should be happy he is working. But this is supposed to be our life “together.” Counseling at this point is too costly (with kids in college). What should I do?

Signed,

Our Life Together is Falling Apart

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Dear Life Together,

Lonely girl, listen to me. You are hardly a nag. You just want a real and loving relationship with your husband. He should be calling you in the middle of the day to just say “hi” and he should find his way home for dinner a few nights a week. Man, I would even want a shoulder massage now and then, but let’s not push our luck just yet.

This economy is sucking everyone’s wallets dry. And I’m sure your husband is worried about losing his job again. But he should also be concerned about losing his wife. Because you are clearly unhappy. So here’s the plan:

Step One: You need to go find yourself some joy without his help. Reconnect with some friends, go to some movies, join a book club, start painting, take a Zuma dance class, start a blog, visit some museums, whatever appeals to you. Because your happiness can not be completely wrapped up in your husband.

Step Two: You mentioned that you have kids in college and money is extremely tight, but you know what is more expensive than counseling? Divorce. Seriously. You and your husband need to see a therapist AS SOON AS POSSIBLE because he’s not taking your needs seriously.

Some therapists will work on a sliding scale so you pay what you can afford. So call around. Or if you can really afford nothing, find an impartial, trustworthy third party (a mutual friend, a religious adviser or a teacher) who can sit down with the two of you so you can both communicate your needs. Just don’t ask your neighbor Nosy Nancy because that lady will give briefings to the whole town on your marital problems before the first session is even over.   And we all know she’s one to talk!

There’s a reason you and your husband have been together for 25 years. I have every faith that you two will get through this with some love, understanding and hard work.

Good luck to you and keep us posted,

Kelcey, TMH

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4 Responses to “Lonely Girl and the Absent Hubby”

02.10.10#1

Comment by Cj.

my mother always said i was bad. so i’m here to prove to her i’m a good girl. (via twitter)if i win maybe i’ll give her the book and help her prepare for menopause. 😉

02.10.10#2

Comment by thepsychobabble.

I love that there is a book about the history of menstruation. Sign me up!

And to lonely, you’re not a nag. He’s being an ass.

02.10.10#3

Comment by Anon.

AGAIN great advice and could have used your words of wisdom this past summer when my usually workaholic husband was OUT OF CONTROL!

I finally told him that if it did not change I was leaving him and taking the kids. I was dead serious.

Times have changed, for the better! Seems losing his wife and family were more important when faced with the prospect of losing us.

Anon Reply:

Sorry, last sentence redundant. Hic. 😉

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