11 Sep
It’s Weighing on Me, Can You Tell?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I need advice and am too embarrassed to discuss with my close friends. I have been with my HS sweetheart for 11 years, but we are not married. During this time I have gained over 150 pounds. He didn’t say anything at first, but the last 3 years he has mentioned my weight gain. He is not mean, does not make fun of me, just lets me know that it is something that he is not happy with.

I hate that I am overweight. I don’t even try to take care of myself anymore. No makeup, hair is always up, and I live in jeans and T-shirts. I am a yo-yo dieter. I lose weight and then get sick of dieting and gain all the weight plus more.

He brought up the weight issue last night, and let me know that he wants to move forward with our life, and that he wants to get married one day but my weight is a HUGE issue for him. He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life having arguments about my weight. I immediately got mad when he told me this, because I feel like he should love me no matter what. I KNOW that he loves me, he goes to work everyday to provide for me and our son, and is an all around great guy. That said, I’m still mad. I can’t figure out though if I’m mad at him for caring about my weight, and for not accepting me for me, or if I’m mad at myself for letting it get this bad. You might need to get your husbands for this one, but is my sweetie a bad guy or would this be on any guys mind?

Thanks!

Signed,   Too Much
___________________________________________________________

Dear Too Much,

The good news is that I don’t need my husband’s input for this one because this isn’t a boy-girl issue. It’s a human issue and a health issue.

I understand that you are upset about what he said, but I don’t see your partner’s concern about your weight and your health (because certainly we can agree that they’re intertwined) as a signal that he doesn’t love you no matter what. I see it as an expression of genuine concern about a woman that he loves.   No, he did not pay me to say that.   Yes, I would accept a small token of his appreciation.

But great news! I don’t mean to suggest for a second that he’s off the hook as “the good guy,” because where was his concern all those years while you were putting on the weight?   I say that you are totally entitled to fume at him over that one.

As to whether you are mad at him or at yourself,   who cares?   Anger is anger and it carries some benefits.   Go see your doctor for a physical, get an okay to exercise (I know, it’s hard for me to accept that we need approval to exercise.   Next thing you know, we’ll need a go-ahead to eat tofu or something) and start moving.   Personally, I love boxing for the Wii.   You know, because it lets me imagine my nemesis on the receiving end of my left hook.

Or better yet, because not everyone can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee the way that Ali and I can, look into joining the gym with your honey.   Getting physical together will help you shed the pounds and reaffirm both of your commitments to each other.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

5 Responses to “It’s Weighing on Me, Can You Tell?”

09.11.09#1

Comment by Teresa.

I agree, except if it has been 11 years and he hasn’t committed to marriage yet, I think you may have other problems besides your weight. I know how hard it is to lose weight, so hang in there and maybe just start taking a walk in the evening and he should go with you if he is really concerned about your health

09.11.09#2

Comment by fletch.

I think it is a good thing his being honest with you. He is not walking out just really telling you what is a problem. You both know this. Now the hard part is what to do. If he will not marry until you lose weight it puts terrible pressure on you and stress makes it harder to lose weight. I would agree that there are two parts, working on you and the relationship. Exercise together, eat healthy together. If he is putting it all on you it will not work. Also get your thyroid checked! Low thyroid makes it impossible to lose weight. If you want a diet that has worked for many I know it is cutting down carbs and increasing protein and veg. You do not have to starve to lose weight!

09.11.09#3

Comment by the mama bird diaries.

I think you need to lose this weight for yourself. And then you can take a look at your relationship.

09.11.09#4

Comment by Amber in Albuquerque.

A wise, wise Mama Bird indeed.

10.06.09#5

Comment by Boliath.

@Teresa – some folks don’t see marriage as necessary or a priority. I’ve also been with my partner for over 10 years, we have 2 children, own a house, a dog, all the trimmings but no wedding, just not our bag, it’s certainly not a sign of our lack of commitment to each other.

@Too much – perhaps he didn’t want to bring up your weight before because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings? I think it would be on anyone’s mind, if my partner had gained 150lbs I wouldn’t be too thrilled. I’m not sure how I would broach it nor am I sure how it would affect him, but I know it would certainly be on my mind and most likely affect my attraction to him, our sex life and more. At the very least I would be concerned for his health, physically from the weight and mentally too.

Why do you think you have gained so much weight? I have gained too over the past 10 years, it happens, I’m older, have had children yadda yadds – but 150lbs is a lot of weight to gain and would suggest that there’s something else going on.

From what you’ve written it doesn’t seem like he is being mean, nor does it seem like you really think he is, more that you’re hurt, defensive and want someone to blame maybe? Good luck to you, take control, shed some of that weight, get married if that is what you want to do and don’t if it’s not.

xxxx

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