28 Jan
Is It Cheating If It’s Just Phone Sex?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I found out my common-law husband (we are not married on paper) has been calling a singles sex chat line — well over 100-200 times since we’ve been together. He saw escorts and went to massage parlours before that. It is a local singles line he has been calling, not a 1-800 one, so anyone he has had a chat with is nearby. I am so hurt. He admitted to it but then claimed that he never called the line for phone sex, but because he wanted someone anonymous to talk to about his child sex abuse. That is obviously a lie, as he called so many times, and no one would use a sex line for that, they would call a sex abuse help line.

Do you think with the large amount of calls he’s been making, he has just been having phone sex with people or do you think it’s likely he met up with at least one of them in person? Is this considered cheating? Is it not worth leaving him and our home and pets over?  Do you think he did more than just talk on the phone? Please help!

Sincerely,

Should I Stay or Should I Go

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Dear Stay/Go,

You ask some tough questions, and, unfortunately, my psychic abilities are only 50/50, so I don’t really have any definitive answers for you. But, at least I can let you know you are not alone. This isn’t the first time we’ve received a letter like yours.

There is no way to know for sure whether your husband did anything more than have phone sex with the other women, unless he comes out and admits it (or you hire a private detective). I don’t even think that the fact that he “saw escorts and went to massage parlours” means that he is definitely physically betraying you with women he met on the sex chat line. It does seem possible, given that history, that he might think that phone sex is not a betrayal.

Of course, the “I thought it was a Pizza Parlour!” or “I just wanted a Mah Jong partner!” lines can only stretch so far. (In fact, I’m surprised you haven’t yet snapped. We’re fully capable of snapping on your behalf, if you’d like. Just the other day, Kristine went loco on a stranger in the middle of Best Buy when he rolled his eyes at his girlfriend. She’s available next Tuesday, if that works for you.)

Regardless, you clearly feel betrayed by his behavior, and you need to let him know that you are not okay with it, and that it must stop. If he was actually a victim of sexual abuse as a child, that is something he needs to work out with a therapist, not a stripper named Chastity. If there is any prayer of saving your marriage, couples counseling is definitely in order. Only you can decide whether or not to remain in the relationship, but I can tell you that you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be with someone who wants to be intimate with you and only you.

Best of luck,

Karen, TMH

 

5 Responses to “Is It Cheating If It’s Just Phone Sex?”

01.28.13#1

Comment by Robert.

It isn’t about phone sex, or perhaps only oral, or perhaps only heavy petting. Those are side issues. The key issue is the respect a man shows himself by never lying and his wife, by never lying to her. My wife lied and cheated on me after nine years of marriage. She moved out and then she had a breakdown threatening suicide if I did not take her back. I recommitted to her as we had three young kids and I knew it was the responsible thing to do. She got on her feet and guess what? She did it again ten years later. If you have kids, somehow work to secure their stability in a home and that might mean carefully managing your this man as a responsible ‘dad’ which is ALOT of work. If no kids, release him to ‘grow strong’ and ‘grow up’ and ‘grow to respect you’. If he does, and you are not ‘taken’, perhaps there is a possible future. If not, count the days you were happy with him as blessings and release yourself to a better, more self respecting future. You may fall in love or you may not. But you will have your self respect and your dignity. These of positive and healthy parts of a well adjusted adult. Honestyly, ask yourself: Can I find a man who will be honest with me in this life? The answer is “yes”; there are plenty of honest men out there. Staying with a liar is just a comforting option, like hugging a teddy bear. If he can’t be honest to you, then he is unfit for the marriage and an annulment or divorce is the right course of action.

01.28.13#2

Comment by Jessica.

He’s obviously extremely dependent on sex/sexual situations – and has a lot of unresolved issues regarding his childhood sex abuse. His explanation for wanting to talk to someone anonymous about his abuse is either a lie – knowing that you feel sympathy towards towards him because of his abuse and he’s using it as a tool of manipulation, or it’s a version of the truth. Either way it’s great reason for him to see a therapist. First of all, if he wanted to talk to someone anonymous why would he call a local line? And secondly, talking with a local sex line isn’t going to help anybody – speaking with an anonymous source who is getting paid to chat (and even if they are not) gives him the power in that conversation, he doesn’t have to be accountable for his words and isn’t receiving any help. Secondly, usage of “sex services” – sex chat lines, escorts, “massage parlours” is a massive act of disrespect toward you, women in general, and perhaps the most damaging to himself. What he has is a dependent relationship with sex, and it isn’t good for a marriage, and extremely harmful should you ever decide to bring children into the picture. If he refuses to see a therapist or go to counseling and quit the “chats”, I’d abandon this relationship. You are worth more than a house and pets – showing that you have respect for yourself might show him that it’s time he had some too – for you and for himself.

01.28.13#3

Comment by DVegas.

Why don’t you go get yourself checked for STD’s just in case.

Sounds to me like you are wanting to fight this one out. I’d advise you only to do that if he’s going to be fighting just as hard. One person does not a relationship make.

01.30.13#4

Comment by Seattle Sitter.

I definitely agree with these comments up there. And definitely 100% sure to get tested. That’s one good way to know if he’s been fooling around behind your back – if the results are positive. Can never be too careful with sh!t like that.

Counseling would be helpful too, but if he’s been doing this and so apt on sex and sexual conversations – it will take a lot of work. And he has to want to do be more than just say “I won’t do it again.” Because we all know that line is bullshit until proven.

Plus if it ever happens again after you’ve told him to stop because it’s not really respectful of you – definitely move on. It shows he’s too weak and would rather go back to his old ways than to fight as hard as he can for his wife (on paper or not on paper – that’s just details shmetails).

02.17.14#5

Comment by sueo52.

my partner of 11yrs and husband of 6yrs was doing just this, having phone and internet sex, he said he hadn’t cheated but I can tell you it destroyed me when I found out and it destroyed our marriage and we seperated, however i find myself now being the one he is having internet sex with and find it a real turn on and we do have the occasional meet. feel really confused and believe he now has another woman in his life even though we are still married, does this now make me the cheater?

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