03 Jan
Is He Being Faithful if He’s Sexting Online?

That’s right biatches, we are BACK. The Mouthy Housewives have stuffed ourselves full of candy canes and fruit cakes and put back enough spiked eggnog to hydrate a small army.

We wanted to come back sooner but Wendi kept saying she couldn’t get the right shade of blonde for her hair, Marinka was attending a rigorous interfaith class with her cat who is now a born again Christian, Karen was obsessed with coming up with baby names for Kimye and well, Kristine was last seen near the Mexico boarder ranting and raving about Honey Boo Boo. But we have regrouped, freshened our lip gloss and are now ready to improve your lives. Boy, we really missed you.

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Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve learned that my husband does role play chats online. This is basically when you pretend you are another character online with others and talk with each other for fun. What has me conflicted is that he has been doing sex role plays with people online.

I confronted him about it the other night and he admitted to it. I had been suspecting it because I would notice that when I came into the room he would immediately exit out of the window so I wouldn’t see what he was typing. We talked about it and he told me that I shouldn’t be bothered by it because he’s not playing himself when he is doing these sexual roles and that they don’t having anything to do with his real life.

I understand what he is saying but I am still conflicted. To me it feels like just another form of a sex chat. That feels like cheating and it rubs me the wrong way. But at the same time, I wonder if I’m viewing it wrong. Because I read romance novels and have read things like Fifty Shades. Reading sex scenes in those books are entertaining but it doesn’t pertain to my real life. I don’t read them because I feel unfulfilled in my marriage. I love my husband very much.

So what do you guys think?

Fifty Shades of Hurt and Confused

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Dear Fifty Shades,

I think you might just be the most understanding wife ever because I got upset at my husband last night when he conveniently forgot to check his texts which instructed him to start dinner for the kids. Man, I never thought I could get that riled up over chicken nuggets. In fact, half way through my ranting, I couldn’t even remember why I was so mad.

But you sound pretty damn calm over this sex chat thing. So let me see if I can get you riled up. You are a good wife to listen to his side of this and actually contemplate if he has a point. But in my opinion, he does not.

Yes, you read Fifty Shades of Grey which has some pretty hard core sex scenes and this would be equivalent to him reading Playboy or Hustler. But he’s not reading some sex magazine, he’s role playing and having sex chats online with strangers. See the difference?

So would he be okay if you sexted with one of your ex-boyfriends or a stranger online? I mean, you’re playing a role. The role of a single, available female who is having fun on the internet. And it has nothing to do with your real life. Right?! I’m guessing he wouldn’t be okay with it.

The problem is that it can affect your real life. He’s getting his sexual urges fulfilled by strangers online instead of his own wife. This has the potential to greatly affect your relationship.  Look, I get it. Marriage gets dull and it’s hard to keep the sexual spark alive. Maybe there is a way for you to role play together in the bedroom. Maybe he can pretend you are some stranger he met online. Or watch a porno together. Or he can read you passages from Fifty Shades.  My point is – instead of hiding his sexual desires from you, he needs to share them with you.

Don’t be afraid to do a few sessions with a therapist to get you through this rocky period. Sometimes a third party can help you navigate tough, embarrassing conversations.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

15 Responses to “Is He Being Faithful if He’s Sexting Online?”

01.03.13#1

Comment by Avprobeauty.

From my own personal experience, this will affect your relationship going forward,- I agree with Kelsey.

You have made it clear that you want to stand by your man and that’s admirable, but at the end of the day, is he really looking out for your best interests? I’m not saying divorce the guy, that’s not my place and I don’t want to sound judgmental or opinionated. But, I am concerned because it sounds like you are offering him more compassion and understanding than he is reciprocating to you.

I think counseling is worth a shot, but my best advice is follow your gut, if this behavior ‘rubs you the wrong way’ that’s because it’s not OK with you, and you should stand up for what you believe in and what makes you feel good about yourself and your marriage.

Life is hard and sometimes that means walking away from a situation or a person to better yourself but make sure you prepare yourself for the roller coaster of emotions that will follow- subsequently, from change. It’s not easy, but sometimes it’s for the best!

Good luck!

01.03.13#2

Comment by Becky.

Here’s the thing. It’s an issue for you (and I think it SHOULD be. It is NOT ok that he’s sexing with other people online). He says it’s not an issue for him. But it is. It is because you’re in a marriage and when one person has an issue it needs to be something you BOTH see as important.

But here’s the thing–it IS an issue for him, too otherwise he wouldn’t try hiding it from you. People only hide things they know are wrong or would upset the other person.

So it’s time to fix it. Tell him flat out that you’re uncomfortable with it and it needs to stop. Tell him that if he does it behind your back after you’ve told him you are uncomfortable with it will kill your trust in him. That your marriage needs to come before roll playing. And yes, please DO get some counseling. There’s a lot going on here.

01.04.13#3

Comment by Desperate Dietwife.

WELCOME BACK, MOUTHY HOUSEWIVES!!! 😀

Of course this is a form of cheating, and the fact that he would close the window when you came in so that you couldn’t see what he was doing proves he KNOWS it.

Confront him again asking him if he would be ok with you doing the same, perhaps in the same chatline and see how he reacts. If it is OK with him, then I think your marriage is in serious trouble.

01.04.13#4

Comment by Jenee.

So glad you guys are back 🙂

I think you are being very accepting and non-judgmental here – that’s great – it sets you guys up for some very open & honest discussion.

I hope your husband knows not every woman would be so kind.

I typically don’t call this kind of behavior ‘cheating’ per se, but if you’re uncomfortable with it, he should do his best to understand your feelings and make some changes even if he feels that he’s not doing anything wrong.

01.04.13#5

Comment by Tammy@WorldsWorstMoms.

Sorry this is happening. It must be really stressing you out.

My gauge for this is simple — would he let you watch him do it. Clearly, no. He shuts it down every time you walk into the room. It’s the equivalent of flirting with a co-worker (which I hope he wouldn’t do in front of you). If he’s hiding it, he doesn’t think it’s right, and it probably isn’t.

And I think Kelsey gave you some excellent advice.

01.05.13#6

Comment by Kenna.

Definitely good advice. You’re definitely the most understanding person. Ever.

If it were me. I wouldn’t have been so understand. I would, then, promptly hide his phone, cut off the internet, take away all contact to anything but you. That’s something that doesn’t fly in my house. Even images of slighty nude anything don’t come into our house.

It’s only been four years. But. He knows he views nothing but me. Gets nothing but me.

You only know what is best for you – but you have to remember to be happy with yourself and you need to trust a person you’re sharing your life with. You don’t want to think everything is ok, and you’re the only woman on his mind – and come months later after everything has “died down” just to find out it hasn’t. You won’t get that trust back. Ever. No matter how hard you try.

I do give kudos to you on talking with your husband about it and actually understanding his side.

Just remember – you’ve got your own side too.

01.05.13#7

Comment by Cait.

Oh sweet mother of everything good in this world, I’m glad you ladies are back from your “fishing” trip.

I agree with Kelcey on this one. Fifty Shades of Grey, while steamy, is not the same a participating in a sexual conversation. Even if the conversation is just online. Keep talking to your husband, don’t let this get swept aside. If you’re feeling a little adventurous, maybe you could even log into the same chat room from a different computer and play along? Good luck!

01.06.13#8

Comment by Dawny.

Of course its cheating!

I had the same problem with my ex, we talked about it as I felt he was being unfaithful, it was taking over his life.

I would be asleep upstairs whilst he was role playing sex with others online, it made me feel like he had other women/men in the house! It made me feel dirty and used!

Talk to him and seek some outside help with your relationship. This behaviour was the beginning of the end for us, we couldn’t resolve the issue because he didn’t want too stop and I couldn’t live with it.

Good luck

01.07.13#9

Comment by DVegas.

It’s about time you women came back!!!!!!!!!

Tell your husband he’s most likely having cyber sex with fat, smelly men. That should cool his ire for the whole thing!

Really though, I have a simple philosophy. If you can’t let your spouse know about it you shouldn’t be doing it. He knows he’s wrong, that’s why he was hiding it from you.

s.o.t.c. Reply:

“Tell your husband he’s most likely having cyber sex with fat, smelly men.”

Good one!

01.10.13#10

Comment by Aceta.

I’m just glad Nikki has come to her senses about Jesus

01.12.13#11

Comment by s.o.t.c..

It’s one of those risky behaviors on the slippery slope toward infidelity. Many who have cheated said it began with this kind of “innocent” fun. And anytime repeat interactions with another is kept secret, you’ve got an emotional infidelity at the very least.

01.17.13#12

Comment by kristi.

Ummm….I would be highly pissed off. My hubby was watching “movies” without me and ordering them on Dish and that is so not cool. I shut that down really quick! If he were having “cybersex” oh heck to the no. I would knock him out!

01.28.13#13

Comment by Is It Cheating If It's Just Phone Sex? | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] You ask some tough questions, and, unfortunately, my psychic abilities are only 50/50, so I don’t really have any definitive answers for you. But, at least I can let you know you are not alone. This isn’t the first time we’ve received a letter like yours. […]

05.12.13#14

Comment by making steel targets.

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