14 Apr
I’m About to Build an Outhouse

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

What do you do about a man who spends too long in the bathroom?

Signed,

Locked Out

___________________________________________________

Dear Locked Out,

Obviously, move to a house with two bathrooms. But if the whole put your house on the market, find a buyer, then start house hunting, find a new home, get approved for a mortgage, wait two months to close, box up all your stuff, move, unpack and then finally use your second bathroom isn’t for you, we might have to come up with some alternatives.

Make sure that there are no porno magazines in there because that can definitely slow down a guy. I once lost two hours in a bathroom because of a particularly compelling issue of US magazine.

Find out his grooming habits and make helpful suggestions of where he can cut corners. For example, flossing is completely unnecessary until about five days before you visit the dentist. Facial masks are for sissies.   Shaving can be done on the way to work.   He can wax his chest during the afternoons instead of those busy morning bathroom hours. I think he’ll really appreciate all these ideas.

Of course, maybe the guy is having stomach issues. If that’s the case, book him an appointment with a gastroenterologist and set your alarm clock so you can at least pee before he settles in there.

Sharing a bathroom isn’t easy. It takes a lot of compromise. I think we’ve all peed in the sink at some point in our lives because of a roommate who was a little bit too selfish with the powder room. As for you and your husband, you may want to come up with a bathroom schedule in the morning so you two aren’t competing in the 200 meter dash each day to see who can get in there first. And maybe throw an egg timer on the counter so he keeps up the pace.

Good luck to you,

Kelcey, TMH

8 Responses to “I’m About to Build an Outhouse”

04.14.10#1

Comment by Wendi.

I’ve never peed in a sink…what’s WRONG with me?

Erin at Im Gonna Kill Him Reply:

This reminds me of that scene from Baby Mama when Tina Fey yells at Amy Poehler for peeing in the sink, and A.P. says, “I’m sorry I broke one of your rules!” And T.F. says, “Peeing in the sink breaks everyone’s rules!”

MarathonMom Reply:

yeah that was a great scene. I need to watch that again.

04.14.10#2

Comment by Karen at French Skinny.

I’ve never peed in the sink either. How does one do that?
Wait, I’m gonna try it…………………….

That didn’t go well, but I think it counts as my “Do one adventurous thing a day!”

I have to go clean up my adventure, order a new sink and get a new catch phrase.

04.14.10#3

Comment by Erin at Im Gonna Kill Him.

I once read an article in Time Out NY about a couple who liked to wait to pee until it was excruciatingly painful. At that point, they would release into the adult diapers they wear. There was some kind of weird sexual gratification happening as well, but I got lost in the adult diapers part and never could comprehend the sex part. I say ‘Try diapers!’ If you’re a mom, you probably have a few hundred lying around. You just might solve your bathroom problem and add new dimensions to your sex life.

04.14.10#4

Comment by Karin.

might I also suggest removing electronic devices from the bathroom – hubby has a collection of what I call “travel toys” – handheld poker, yatzee, solitaire, suduko, crossword puzzles, not to mention his iPhone – that he considers bathroom toys. He’s up to the expert level in Suduko not by accident! I know he does have stomach issues but when he eats right, it’s not a problem. I tease him that the bathroom is his escape hatch when the kids are being difficult.

04.14.10#5

Comment by GrandeMocha.

We went from a one bathroom house to a four bathroom house because of this issue. My dream house has two master bathrooms so I don’t have to share inside the master suite!

05.05.10#6

Comment by mom, again.

NOTHING is better than having a house with a toilet per resident.

We finally bought a house with the downstairs powder room, upstairs family bathroom & a master bathroom. with 2 adults & 2 teenaged girls, this was great. until this point, we’d rented homes with one bathroom.

But then, the oldest teenager MOVED OUT! 1 toilet per butt! the heavens opened & the angels began to sing!

It’s good to be middle class, indeed it is.

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