22 Feb
If He Likes It Then What’s Taking Him So Long To Put A Ring On It?

Dear TMH,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We’ve had some bumps and hard times, but we love each other and our relationship is great. The only thing that bothers me is that we’re not married and I’m not sure when we’re going to get married. He says he wants to get married, but he hasn’t made anything official, and he doesn’t talk about it much. Am I overanalyzing this?

Signed,

Tired of Being a Single Lady

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Dear Tired,

I remember being in your shoes. I was 23 and living with my boyfriend of three years, and I was starting to get antsy. Sure, marriage seemed like a given, but I absolutely hated the fact that I was supposed to sit around and wait for him to officially propose. The way I saw it, we were partners in crime, and every decision we made about our apartment we made together, so why did he get to make this all-important decision all on his own? I made this very argument to him, and told him that I thought we should pick a date of engagement in the near future, and make a plan together for how we would celebrate it. This was in August. I believe we tentatively agreed upon a date in November, and we were each going to start thinking of a grand plan of fancy dinner and a night in a hotel or something to mark the occasion. P.S. On September 18th he beckoned me out on the balcony of our apartment, got down on one knee, and proposed with a family ring. I’m still kinda mad he didn’t stick to our plan.

That was 19 years ago. Man, I’m old!

I know someone who gave an ultimatum and got the ring. I also know someone who broke up with her boyfriend because he hadn’t proposed, and after a month he realized he couldn’t live without her and they got engaged. I know someone whose girlfriend called off their engagement, and it broke him for many months. And, one of the most beautiful/amazing/fun weddings I’ve ever been to? That couple is now divorced. [Cue Debbie Downer waaah-waaah]

So, what’s the lesson? It is hard to cede control, to make yourself vulnerable and stand in front of another person and tell him what you want and/or need, and risk having him tell you he can’t or won’t give it to you. Marriage is a long haul. This is just the beginning. If he’s the right one, then having a conversation with him about your future plans shouldn’t be an issue. You may not get the answer you want, but better to find that out now. Or, you know, channel your inner Gloria Steinem, turn the tables and propose to him!

Whatever you decide, you should go forward knowing that the man you desperately want to marry today will be the man who consistently leaves his dirty underwear hanging on the bathroom towel rack ten years from now.

Best of luck,

Karen, TMH

 

7 Responses to “If He Likes It Then What’s Taking Him So Long To Put A Ring On It?”

02.22.13#1

Comment by rojopaul.

The only question I have is how old this writer is. If she was 23, I’d say she’s still young and give it a couple more years. Things can change between the early 20s and later 20s. But if she is 30, I would understand her desire to get hitched and start a family, assuming they both wanted to do that.

Karen, I thought your advice was perfect.

02.22.13#2

Comment by Avprobeauty.

Karen- 100% correct in every way 🙂 If you force someone to do anyyhing, it wont be because they wanted to do it, it will be because tou wanted them to do it which equals to failure on all ends.

02.28.13#3

Comment by Is My Boyfriend's Daughter Too Needy? | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] jealous feeling are coming from. Do you feel like you don’t get enough attention from your boyfriend? If yes, you need to talk to him. If you constantly see him being affectionate with his kids and […]

03.01.13#4

Comment by Just Like You....

I’m the same in this prediciment. Been wiht my boyfriend over four years… no ring.

Have I been ansy about it? Yes.
Has that caused some arguements? Yes.

Males are very odd creatures… but they DO have more on their minds than video games and ass. They will surprise you… eventually. As a woman who definitely wants what I want as soon as I think I want something, this, I think, is something that definitely shouldn’t be rushed. You might be surprised when you actually get proposed to that you’ll be happier if you wait till it happens. All that magical fairy tail crap will just make you more happier rather than making the choice to rush it and possibily blow it. Leaving subtle hints doesn’t hurt ;).

03.14.13#5

Comment by Here Comes the Bride But I'd Rather Not Go | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] do not envy you, lady. Weddings can be problematic. Especially when there are lots of tense family dynamics. I feel your anguish. […]

11.12.13#6

Comment by ShiloRives.

I’m 41, and in a live-in relationship with my bf and his 2 school age girls. I have huuuge marriage baggage from being perpetually led along by one cheap bastard after another with nary a ring.

We are really poor, and I know he would like to get me a ring. Also, we are both on disability, so one of us has to cut loose from that to get married and we can’t afford it right now.

It was building up inside so hard, all that longing to have the social driver license that an engagement ring gives you. I managed to express some short remarks about how I know we are poor but I would like a modest ring.

I said my peace and didn’t make it therapy, so I feel like it’s his move. But it’s hard to wait and I feel like it is unfair that one of us has to cut off our income for it.

11.12.13#7

Comment by ShiloRives.

I got motivated to do more research to verify if we had to cut disability benefits and we WON’T. so thanks for being the spark to find that bit of info. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

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