10 Oct
I Wish This Was Just a Porn Problem

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I came home on Saturday night from a party to load photos onto the computer which my husband had been on earlier. Up flashed a nude and pornographic photo of an ex colleague of my husband’s who he worked with years ago. This woman caused issues for me at the time as she had a crush on my husband and would text him wanting to meet for coffee. He eventually told her to go away (using slightly different language). I was horrified about where he got the photo and why he had it.

He lied at first but finally admitted that he has had the photo for about 7 years and has masturbated to it. He had taken the photo from her computer when he went to fix it, so she knows nothing about it. The picture was obviously taken by her husband and was for their eyes only.

I know he looks at porn. What man doesn’t?  But this is much worse because I knew her.

I am really devastated and hurt. He was prepared to leave because of all the hurt he has caused me but that wouldn’t solve anything. We have been together 20 years and I feel that I don’t know him now.

Signed,

I Know That Nude Girl!

__________________________________________

Dear I Know That Nude Girl,

Whoa… that is a lot to take in. You know things have taken a bad turn when you’re wishing your husband was just a run of the mill porn addict.

We have a few issues going on here. First of all, your husband stole the photo. Second, he in all likelihood had feelings in the past for this former colleague. Because you don’t steal a naked photo of someone just for the hell of it. Or do you? My experience stealing naked photos is extremely limited.

You must be feeling very betrayed and I’m sure you’re quite angry. But you’ve been married to this guy for 20 years so I’m guessing there is a lot of good stuff in your marriage. And he didn’t cheat on you. At least not in the physical sense.

You guys really need to go talk to a couple’s therapist. Someone who can help you start building back the trust in your relationship. Because it will be very hard to do that on your own. A therapist will also help your husband come clean about what feelings he had or didn’t have about this co-worker.

And remember that photo was from 7 years ago. So no matter how hot she looks in that picture, I bet her boobs have dropped about 3 inches. So delete the photo and take the next steps towards saving your marriage.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

8 Responses to “I Wish This Was Just a Porn Problem”

10.10.12#1

Comment by Avprobeauty.

I agree that 20 years is a long time to toss away and start over and the relationship is worth salvaging. I had a similar situation with a bf. It was the last nail in the coffin when I came home and found out he was going on adult friend finder (in addition to his impulsive porn addiction, yes, addiction). That was it for me. But we went to couples and he didnt take it seriously, he didnt even show for one appointment, I practically had to beg him to help fix our relationship. So, if your husband is willing to put in the work at rebuilding the trust and loves you, this wound could be healed but you also have to be willing to forgive too.

Becky Reply:

I’m not in disagreement and I do feel that the relationship is worth fighting for. That said, the wife needs to do what she is comfortable with. If they both take the steps to save this marriage and in the end she still feels like she cannot trust him anymore, she needs to take the steps necessary.

I’m not in her marriage. I don’t know exactly what it’s going to take for her to feel good about it. I can’t say for sure it’s worth saving/can be saved. Only she and her husband can determine that.

I’m just trying to say it’s easy from the outside looking in that it can be fixed. If it can’t though, she needs to remember that it was HIS actions that started all this, and as long as she gives fixing the marriage a true shot, she shouldn’t feel guilty if it doesn’t happen.

Avprobeauty Reply:

Agree, absolutely. It’s always hard to give your feedback when you’re not there or ‘in it’.

10.10.12#2

Comment by Nicole.

That’s a betrayal in all ways. I recently caught my husband on those hook up sites. I dont think anything physical
Happened but I read the emails he sent to various women. I don’t know how or if I can get over it. Called my beat friend to cry to her and just last night she caught her husband doing the same thing. Men are dogs we should all just be lesbians without the sex.

10.10.12#3

Comment by Danielle.

Yowch. I hope your husband isn’t still fixing people’s computers. Total moral and ethical violation to have stolen that photo. I guess that is what bothers me the most about it. I’m ok with my husband looking at porn so long as I’m getting all the sex I want.

N and Em's mom Reply:

Does anyone else wonder if the hubby had an affair with this woman and took the photo himself? Even if he was the computer guy at work, the co-worker would have to have emailed it to herself at work or put it on a work laptop she used at home and brought it to him for repairs or upgrades. It could be true, but if not, hubby sure does think fast on his feet.

Avprobeauty Reply:

Yes.

10.17.12#4

Comment by Lisa.

Wow. Yes, I also thought he took the photo himself.

I also agree 20 years together is a long time. I get how hurt this woman is, but I would say to give it some time and counseling. Right now, she can’t ever imagine trusting him again, but who can imagine being happy again in the throes of massive pain. Don’t decide anything now.

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