15 Jul
Help! My BFF’s husband flirt-texted me and asked me not to tell.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My best friend’s husband texted me the other day out of nowhere (I don’t even know how he got my number!). At first I didn’t think anything of it, but then he started getting flirtatious. I did not flirt back and made sure I mentioned my fiancé more than once so the conversation could steer in a different direction (I mentioned wedding planning, house hunting, and his name).

I didn’t want to over-think it, but then he asked me if I minded that he was flirting with me and asked me to not tell his wife about the conversation. I of course told him that I rather he didn’t flirt because his wife is a good friend of mine and I don’t think she would appreciate it. I told my fiancé about the conversation and showed him the texts because I don’t want to hide anything from him. He was obviously pretty upset and doesn’t want me going over to my friend’s house anymore (especially when her husband is there); I also don’t feel comfortable going over there now either.

The dilemma I’m facing is whether I should break this news to my friend. They’re married and have a 1 year old baby. I don’t want to start drama especially when there is a marriage and family involved but I feel like I would want to know if my fiancé/husband was doing this to me. If her husband is texting me, then what else is he doing with other women that his wife isn’t friends with?? If I don’t tell and she finds out later on I feel like it might make matters worse but if I do tell her, then I think she will still be mad at me regardless. I feel like it’s a lose / lose situation and our friendship will not be same after this. What should I do?


Don’t Shoot The Messenger


Dear Messenger,

You are between a rock and a hard place, my friend. There’s a wide spectrum of flirtation, so it’s a little hard to advise you not knowing if your friend’s husband wrote that you looked hot at the block party last weekend, or if he sent you a pic of his privates. HOWEVER, the fact that he specifically asked you not to tell his wife about the texts is super creepy. Bottom line is, you are not going to feel okay about any of this unless you tell her. I feel for you, I really do.

This situation sucks. Did you save the texts? It would help if you could actually show them to her. You can’t expect that she will immediately decide her husband (and father to her child) is a horrible person who she must leave immediately. Still, she’s probably going to feel threatened and defensive, and you need to let her know that you don’t hold her responsible for her husband’s actions, and that you hope it was just a misstep on his part and that you can all get past it.

I’m not sure his flirtatious texts to you are an indication that he’s doing this (or anything else) with other women, but it is a sign of extremely risky behavior on his part. No matter what, it made you uncomfortable, you didn’t reciprocate, and you did nothing wrong. Don’t let either of them try and turn this back on you (I’d bet good money that at least one of them will do exactly that).

Hopefully, this will just be a brief bump in the road for your friendship.

Good luck,

Karen, TMH



13 Responses to “Help! My BFF’s husband flirt-texted me and asked me not to tell.”


Comment by Desperate Dietwife.

I lived a similar situation (except that my friend did’t have children) and guess what? She didn’t believe me (to my face at least), he got angry with me and I lost my friend.

It’s a sticky situation, either if you talk or if you stay silent (except that in the latter case you would feel like an accomplice to this man).

You’re perfectly right: it’s a lose-lose situation and you didn’t go looking for it. So, given that you are almost certainly going to lose your friend whatever you do, just behave in the way your conscience suggests you: at least you’ll win with yourself.

Good luck!


Comment by suburbancorrespondent.

I think I would have drawn a firmer line with the husband: “Tell your spouse or I will.” He’s put you in an unfair position, and he should fix it. But I also think you should tell your boyfriend that you are a big girl and that you can handle visiting your friend without running away with her husband. He should trust you.

Lisa Grieco Reply:

I agree completely.


Comment by tleskesen9.

The first year with a baby is a strain on any relationship. I’d be willing to bet this was a misstep on his part. Not that it’s right, but I disagree with MH’s advice. Being open and honest will line you up as a target and everyone will lose in the end.

I would march over there, be cordial to the husband (text him that if he ever contacts you again you WILL blow the whistle) and continue with your life. If he pursues you, then you show her EVERYTHING, including your warning to him. If she blames you after that, it will only be short term. She’ll come around.

As for your fiance, I think he needs to trust in you or else that’s a totally separate challenge for you to deal with. You showed him the texts right away, you obviously aren’t interested in this other guy… The woman involved is your best friend, so why would he worry? Is the husband aggressive? Is there concern he might attack you? Talk it out with him.

Best of luck – that’s a tough situation to be placed in.


Comment by BigMommaD.

My advice is to MYOB & steer clear of this couple. Do not share this information with your friend. Your friend’s husband is not your business now you’ve told him in no uncertain terms that his advances are unwelcome. You’ll be blamed if you tell her. She’ll think you were subconsciously sending him a come-hither message, and worse yet, you could destroy a fragile marriage involving a baby and be blamed for that too. One summer long ago, I was invited to a genteel 4-couple evening party. I had only been married a few weeks. A man I’d been seated beside made advances during dinner conversation (I had never met him before). I made it clear I was not interested. After dinner, I tried to escape to the bathroom, but he banged on the door to let him in, I then ran out and he grabbed me in the kitchen and pushed me against the fridge (witnessed by a shocked hostess). I was young, naive, and terrified of making a scene at the party. I escaped into the backyard to sit next to my husband. Minutes later this man came into the backyard where all the couples were sitting and chatting, and IN FRONT OF EVERYONE (including his wife and my husband) planted a big kiss on my lips. There was a stunned silence. His wife took him by the arm and went home. Whom did they blame? ME! (Incidentally, his wife had just had a baby too.) Absolutely everyone,including my own husband, thought I had seduced this poor helpless man. Clearly, the fellow was out of his mind, but I was too ashamed to tell anyone what he’d been doing to me. There was terrible scene with my jealous husband at home that night, even though I explained what had been going on. I didn’t know how I could have handled it differently — and I still don’t. I do know, however, that the woman is almost always blamed. Steer clear!


Comment by K-Line.

I really do not support the advice Karen has provided (though I realize it’s considered and well-intentioned). I think that the writer has discharged her responsibility and (given the info she has to work with) intervening in this couple’s just-post-baby marriage is bound to result in disaster that is potentially unwarranted. I do concur that the friendship has to cool off indefinitely, which is unfortunate.


Comment by C Smith.

I would advise that unless it happens again, DON”T say anything. The first year with a baby can be tough on any marriage and this could have been a one time, fantasy thing on his part. If he’s a jerk and a cheater she either already knows or will find out on her own. She doesn’t need to have her friendship with you jepordized on top of having a lousy husband. And, no one ever really appreciates the bearer of bad news, she will NOT be grateful.


Comment by rojopaul.

I’m sorry, but I disagree with those that say not say to anything. And having a newborn does not give anyone a pass to behave like a jerk. I would as lovingly as possible explain what happened and let the chips fall where they may. If the friend holds her responsible, that’s on the friend. This woman did nothing wrong. But if her husband is the dog he seems to be, so be it. Her loyalty is to the friend. I personally don’t want a friend who acts like everything is ok when it’s not and who can’t be honest with me. That’s not true friendship.


Comment by Delilah.

I agree with rojopaul. Her loyalty is with her friend. Sweeping it under the rug isn’t the answer in my opinion. I would like to think that a good friend could come to me and tell me ANYTHING. If her friend should find out later this makes her look guilty. She has nothing to hide.



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Comment by casey.

As a man I can tell you….she should have told him what the fuck was up. Told him he’s a ffrigging jerk and a total asshole and if he ever tries to screw over his wife again, she would personally cut off his shriveled up little testicles.

Then taken a screen shot of his texts and hers and put them away for safe keeping after sending copies to him.

Done and done.

And if her fiance had any balls he would get face to face with this scum and let him know, in no uncertain terms, what’s up!

Grow up. Handle your business.


Comment by danielle.

I would absolutely tell her. What a scumwad to put you and her in this situation. She might be mad at first but, if it was my friend I’d be glad you told me instead of sleeping with him. Which is probally what a lot of girls would do. Friends are suppose to tell you when their guys being a jerk. Good friends are hard to find. Trust me your a good friend.

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