Help Me Win the Exhaustion War!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband has a desk job and spends his day clicking and dragging a computer mouse. I stay at home with the kids and spend my day cooking, cleaning, laundry, and cleaning some more. There are days where I don’t sit down until 8 pm. Guess who complains more about being tired after work? Hint: it’s not me. It makes me angry that my husband sits on his butt 8 hours a day and complains of fatigue while I’m on my feet like a madwoman 14 hours a day. What can I do to shut him up?
Signed, Silently Exhausted
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Dear Exhausted,
I assume that you’ve already tried rolling your eyes loudly whenever your husband starts complaining, but that he’s just too tired to notice. Probably because he’s laying on the couch with his feet up and a cold compress over his forehead bemoaning his day of Spider Solitaire gone wrong.
Until he lives a full day with the children and the domestic arts, he will never realize that whoever stays with the kids is always the most exhausted one. Always. Unless the other parent is working in a mine. With small children by his side. And even then it’s debatable because I would hope that the mine noise would drown out the kids’ whining.
To help him see this light, give him the gift of his children over the weekend. Let him know in advance that you’ve been called out of town for an emergency top secret summit (your friend’s house? a spa? Mom 2.0 conference?) and would he mind spending the weekend with the kids and the laundry? And if he could make some meals so that the kids didn’t starve, that would be great.
Trust me, he’ll have a new appreciation not only for all that you do, but for the relative comforts of his own job. Come Monday morning, he’ll positively skip to work.
But ask yourself if it’s possible that his job involves more than merrily clicking on the mouse. It’s possible that he has meetings, and deadlines and I’ve heard that there are times when clients have questions and complaints. Take some time to appreciate what he does for your family. It shouldn’t be difficult for him to reciprocate.
Best wishes,
Marinka, TMH
11 Responses to “Help Me Win the Exhaustion War!”
Comment by Erin@MommyontheSpot.
Well said. I have been called away on a top-secret summit to the spa, and he got a glimpse of what I do as a SAHM. Also, when I was able to go with him on a business trip, I got to see it wasn’t all chilling with beers and watching the game.
We’ve got it tougher, for sure. And I bet that he would appreciate your job more if he got to experience it.
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Comment by Kristine.
Ah! The exhaustion war! In my house, it’s a bit trickier since my husband might *actually* have the upper hand with his job. But then I can always pull out the IT’S NOT A COMPETITION, ASSHOLE card.
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Comment by dusty earth mother.
I had the exact same thought as Vodka Tonic. This was, indeed, an episode of “I Love Lucy” so all “Silently Exhausted” needs to do is make him spend a day with Ethel while she plays Babaloo at the club and poof! problem solved.
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Comment by annie.
Uh oh, I’ve been doing something wrong. I’m the one at home but it’s MY day that involves a lot of sitting and mouse clicking? Was I supposed to be cleaning? Crap!
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Comment by Karin.
My husband has always been good about knowing that it’s exhausting being home with the kids but I try to give him a weekend (and this year, a whole week!) every year without me and not being able to be in touch often. He also knows that he has time to decompress while commuting home – I know traffic sucks but no one is asking a million things of him at once while he’s trying to do something for the greater good – like cook dinner (really, it’s for the greater good – hungry kids make the world a bad place!) – and he worked 90 minutes less than I did by the time he gets home (45 minute commute during rush hour, barely 20 when it’s not). So when he gets home, I take 15 minutes to myself – usually spent watching the news in my bedroom – while my husband gets dinner finished up and dished out.
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Comment by JubanMama.
It took me a while to figure out how to do it, but in my house we have “Quiet Wine-Down” time. It goes like this: after my son’s bath I get him all cozied up in his PJ’s, turn on his favorite TV show, and let him snuggle next to me on the couch while I drink Shiraz and read a non-parenting-related book.
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Comment by The Flying Chalupa.
Spider solitaire gone wrong. hehe.
Yes, it’s time to educate the working father about his SECOND JOB. The one that involves baths and bedtime and an hourly wage of insanity.
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Comment by Boliath.
I may see this differently than a lot of you as I am the parent with the outside job and he stays home.
I have also stayed home at different stages in our children’s lives so I do get the exhaustion and frustration of being on demand to small people but I think you’re being a bit unfair.
You start off saying that he sits on his ass and clicks a mouse all day, it sounds like you have no respect or appreciation for what he does and perhaps he echoes that in a lack of respect and appreciation for what you do.
If you chose this arrangement – you stay home, he goes to an office – then you need to remember why you did that. If it’s an involuntary arrangement – you’re laid off or whatever then fair enough, I get that you may have added frustration. If this was your choice as a family though, you both need to put on your big girl panties and accept that you both work hard. When he gets home in the evening, he needs to do his fair share, having been out at work all day does not exempt him from being an equal partner at home. It can be difficult to transition though so give him a break. I find sometimes that everyone is in a groove when I get home and I upset the applecart. I don’t know what has been going on during the day and it takes time to insert myself in to the family dynamic
as well as time to leave work behind.
Working in an office is exhausting, no you’re not up on your feet chasing kids or making meals/cleaning messes etc but you are accountable and responsible to people who may be just as unreasonable as a child and you can’t put them in time-out!
Being at home with children is also exhausting but at least you can choose what to do, if you can’t be arsed that day you can sit on the couch and watch Madagascar 10 times feed the kids PB & J and stay in your jammies.
I guess my own bias is obvious 
I know I do not have the right temperament to be a full time stay at home parent so even though our situation is involuntary – due to a lay off 2 years ago – I sincerely appreciate the care and attention the kids get from their Dad. He gripes at me similarly to you in your letter from time to time and I wish he could go be in my world for a week to remember the stress an office can bring, especially when you are the sole breadwinner.
Step back from the pissed offedness and take some time to ask each other how your day was and really listen. On the days when you have had a hellish time he might step up and say honey go pan out on the couch, I’ll take care of the kids for the rest of the evening, perhaps you could do the same for him from time to time?
Good luck!
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Comment by Lisa.
Does he try to stop you if you complain about being tired? Does he tell you how easy you have it? Does he ever say that you don’t work hard? I’m guessing not, because then he’d be a real jerk.
Sounds like a guy who is just talking about his day to his wife. Why is everyone even assuming that he doesn’t appreciate how hard she works?
From this letter, all I read is a lot of passive-aggressive BS from her.
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Comment by LaLaLa.
Well, you can always kill him… (just kidding!!)
Sounds like you guys need a little mutual appreciation time! Raising kids is no easy job, for sure.
In addition to giving him the kids for a weekend might help, but why not try expanding your perspective of what his world is like. As my entire career has been in the office-worker world, I can tell you that if all he’s doing doing at work is sitting on his butt playing solitaire, he’s gonna be UNEMPLOYED before you know it. With the economy like it is, no one’s job is guaranteed and dead-ass employees aren’t going to be around for long.
There’s a lot of stress working in an office. Worries about the business environment, backstabbing co-workers out to get you, insane management driving everyone nuts with conflicting orders, deadlines, client pressures, etc all add up to stress. And stress can wear you out even faster than hard physical work!
Try carving some time out for each other, and talk about what each other does. And how each of you can work to reduce the pressure each of you is under. It can’t hurt to work as a team to make things better!
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