24 Jun
Help Me Turn My Husband OFF

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband is at me ALL THE TIME to get it on. I cannot walk from the shower to my room wrapped in a towel anymore for fear of being jumped. He is totally out of control. By day he is a boring suit, but even when I suggest I have the chafe or a boil on my butt, nothing stops him from pestering the crap out of me. I think I am going to get a night job. Surely my sisters in the USA have a bit of advice for a sufferer from down under?

Best Wishes,


Mrs. Woog

P.S. He is out this evening; it is my version of a stay of execution.

P.P.S. I am not 22 and perky. I am 36 and saggy.

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mrs. Woog,

I’m sorry to hear your husband frequently overdoses on Viagra. It must be a difficult way to live. Surely they have support groups for that? I mean, they have a hair club for bald men. There must be one for men with frequent and long-lasting boners.

Now, while you search for a local chapter of Flaccid Friends, I have a few practical yet world-shattering suggestions for turning off your husband. For beginners, stop walking from the shower to your room in just a towel. Are you insane? Any married woman who does that is just asking for trouble. Walk from the shower to your room dressed as your mother-in-law instead. Best sex repellent ever.

Also, stop lying to your husband. He knows you don’t have “the chafe” (What is that? We don’t have it in America) or a boil on your butt. I suggest you contract ringworm on your butt. He may not believe you even then (after all of the lying), but he’ll damn sure believe you from then on!

Or you could simply call out another man’s name during sex. I say man’s name, because if you called out a woman’s name, that would have the opposite affect and turn him on even more.

Take these suggestions and you’re guaranteed to spend many sexless nights in the future just like most normal women in their mid-thirties!

Signed,

Heather, TMH

25 Responses to “Help Me Turn My Husband OFF”

06.24.10#1

Comment by shafeena.

Oh com on !!! just thank the stars you have a passionate and sparking marriage..

Mrs Woog Reply:

I know I should not bitch… It is just hard to change the habit of a lifetime.

06.24.10#2

Comment by dusty earth mother.

Seriously, you’re going to have to write back and tell us what “the chafe” is. I’m intrigued because it has a “the” in front of it, meaning that it isn’t just A chafe but THE chafe. Scarrrrryyyyyy.

As for your hubby, try to be grateful that he is still jonesing for your sagginess. And shower at the gym.

Mrs Woog Reply:

Oh thank you DEM – Showering at the gym of course, except I hate the gym and worry I would pick up more infections there than with Mr Woog. I will tell you the chafe is if you let me in on “jonesing”. xo

06.24.10#3

Comment by Sassy.

Is The Chafe when you’ve been “harassed” so much you’re lady parts become very sore from all the friction? I’m in your boat if that’s it. My guy needs to take it easy as well. I don’t see it as a compliment when he is literally riding my back every single day! I need a break from time to time and are not always in the mood. I feel your pain.

Mrs Woog Reply:

WE HAVE A WINNER! You can also get the chafe when walking around in humid conditions around your groinal area. I like to call it THE chafe instead of just chafe because it sounds more dramatic. and gross.

06.24.10#4

Comment by Sassy.

Correction: your lady parts…

06.24.10#5

Comment by Plano Mom.

Tell him that the best way to your lady parts is by washing dishes and doing laundry. There is nothing sexier than a man in an apron.

Mrs Woog Reply:

Piano Mom I love this suggestion. Sounds like you have trodden this path before. Many Thanks.

06.24.10#6

Comment by Andrea.

Ditto on the not walking from room to room in a towel. NOT a good turn off. 😉

Mrs Woog Reply:

I know – that is just a red rag to a bull. Cannot even blame it on Rookie Error.

06.24.10#7

Comment by admin.

Perhaps a tattoo of Insane Clown Posse next to the butt boil would do the trick?

06.24.10#8

Comment by From Belgium.

Or you could just tell him that you feel that he treats you as a sex object and ignores the real wonderfull you. Pretend to read Plato while saying this. Unless Plato turns him on.

Mrs Woog Reply:

Yes- nothing scarier than a clown, especially one standing next to a volcano…….

06.24.10#9

Comment by Marinka, TMH.

Go Biblical on him and say “I am unclean.” Biblical, or insane.

Mrs Woog Reply:

You know Marinka, I think it would make no difference, but an easy one to try. Thank you.

06.24.10#10

Comment by LadySteele.

You must be hotter than you think. My vote is to tell him “if you want to do me, first you’re going to have to do the __________. Fill in the blank with your choice of exciting household tasks like laundry, vacuuming, etc.

Mrs Woog Reply:

Hi LadySteele.
I actually think I am hotter than I am – unless I am jean or bra shopping. Good Advice fom you. I could even give him flashcards…..

06.24.10#11

Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

Walk dressed as your mother in law! Brilliant. Wendi would wear her Kate Gosselin wig, which might work even better.

Get a chastity belt. I don’t know what that is or if they really even exist, but it’s what my father used to declare when I turned 15, like it was some impenetrable forcefield to sex.

Mrs Woog Reply:

Yes – this one might have wings…….

06.26.10#12

Comment by mom, again.

Heck, demand more than household chores. I’m thinking jewelry. The value of the wedding and engagement ring is surely ‘paid off’ by now.

Also, you might as well use his interest as an excuse for all the salon and spa visits and whatever other pampering expenses you care to run up. Right?

11.15.11#13

Comment by windsurferboy1966.

I know that every woman reading this will attack me, but here goes. As a man, I can tell you that we don’t feel loved if we’re not getting sexual attention. When you fend off your husband’s approaches, you are slowly turning him off to you. My wife has made a career out of fending me off. After years of having sex MAYBE 3 times yearly, I’m now looking outside the marriage for the affection and satisfaction I crave. I no longer seek out my wife for sex, as it’s self-abasing and hurtful to beg for something that should come naturally in a marriage. She seems confused by that. If you still want to turn your husband off, start wearing oversize t-shirts to bed and don’t wash your privates, as mine does. It won’t take him long to look for sex elsewhere.

01.12.12#14

Comment by diedra.

really..if you had a husband like mine that never wanted sex even after i try everything..including and adventurous attitude you would not be complaining. i’ll trade you for a week and when you feel neglected and needy, you will be happy to go back

03.03.12#15

Comment by unknown.

Help! My husband is addicted to sex. No matter what I do he wants sex all the time. Its so bad that I sleep in the guest room to avoid him, I make him angry at me so he wouldn’t want to have sex but nothing is working anymore. He gets mad when I tell him no or act like I didn’t hear him or forgot he ask me.
I feel trapped in my own home. I don’t even like my body anymore because of his addiction. At times I pretend that I’m asleep when he reaches over me to feel my body or when he is sleeping he’ll put my hand on his private. Its gotten so out of contorl I’m so colse to just filing for a divorce. I need advice because I do love him I’m just so tired of the sex

03.06.12#16

Comment by Please Stop Wanting Sex From Me! This Girl is Tired. | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] know that you are not alone. Other women out there are dealing with this.  I know that the American Psychiatric Association has yet to recognize sexual addiction as a real […]

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