22 Jul
Help, I May Have Married a Jerk

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and have 3 kids together. He works 2 jobs (one he works 4 nights a week, the other only 1-3 night) and I stay home with the kids. My problem is that we are not connecting like we did when we first got married. He comes home 3 hours after work, jumps on the computer to play World of Warcraft or watch porn when no one is around. He does this until his bedtime and then off to work again.

I get no help with the cooking, the kids, or cleaning, and he’s no longer affectionate. I feel like I have a roommate not a husband. Sometimes I just want to walk away. I don’t know if I’m wrong for feeling this way and or what to do. Please help.

Signed,
No Help and Alone

________________________________________________________________

Dear No Help and Alone,

I assume you are point blank asking him for help as opposed to relying on your powers of telepathy? See, it takes a powerfully talented woman to control others with our mind. We’re a rare breed so for the majority of the female population, you actually have to use words to express what you want.

Another important and crucial step is to determine before marriage whether your man is a stupid jerk. (It may be too late for you, I don’t know.) This is where many women go wrong. They marry a stupid jerk and then wonder why he acts like a stupid jerk. I don’t know what to say to these women, because, duh.

However, if he isn’t a stupid jerk and you aren’t connecting like you did when you first married, then let me be the first to welcome you to real life with kids. It is harder to stay connected as a couple when you have kids. That’s just part of the game. But what makes it even harder is having a spouse who doesn’t help at all with your life at home.

Some men have stuck in their heads (probably from watching too many Brady Bunch reruns as a kid) that they go to work and their job is done, there are no other responsibilities in life. And I guess that could be true. For husbands who do not want to have sex.

Let’s forget about telepathic powers, that’s not where a woman’s power lies. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, and it never ceases to amaze me the number of women who underutilize this power. This isn’t about passive-aggressive behavior on our part. This is about logic. It is ridiculous (and disrespectful) to expect the wife to take care of everything. In fact, the only other ingrates that operate on this assumption are our children. So your husband is treating you like his mother. Do you know what is NOT acceptable in our society? Having sex with your mother.

So, basically, if your husband takes you for granted like his mother, you aren’t allowed to have sex with him, the end.

Signed,
Heather, TMH

18 Responses to “Help, I May Have Married a Jerk”

07.22.10#1

Comment by mom, again.

But Heather, they already aren’t having sex.

She’s gonna have to interrupt WOW with some offers of WHOOPEE. Though I suspect something like the old stereotype of the wife in sexy lingerie failing to distract the husband from the game on TV will be the result.

Still, if she wants to connect and get assistance, somehow she’s gonna have to remind him what he wants, then give him what he remembers he wants, in order for him to want it enough to help with chores.

(also: 6 kids in 3 years. No wonder he’s all WOW instead of WHOOPEE.)

[Reply]

Heather Reply:

Hmmm. My husband got into WoW for a while too, so I understand the midnight hours of playing that game. I didn’t pull out any lingerie. Instead, I said, “hey, remember when we would go to bed together and have sex?” And then I’d go to bed.

That’s all it took to get him off of the game. But it could be my vagina is platinum lined and that’s why I have such power, I dunno. I’ll ask my gynecologist next visit.

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07.22.10#2

Comment by Annie.

Hey mom, again, it’s 3 kids in 6 years. But this whole situation – I’ve seen it happen before. I think she did marry a jerk, and the sooner she boots him, the better. Many men become someone totally different after marriage (well, actually they go back to being their real selves). My advice would be to make plans for a different life and leave the jerk behind. If he really loves and wants you, leaving him may be what “jerks” him back to reality. If not, he wasn’t worth bothering with in the first place. Your kids will eventually thank you; watching porn leads to worse eventually.

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07.22.10#3

Comment by GrandeMocha.

I know there’s nothing going on in the bedroom but DO NOT get pregnant again when it happens.

Tell him what he needs to do today to help. Then let him do it his way. It won’t be as good as the way you’d do it, but it is a start. Then everyday after, give him another thing to do. If he still doesn’t help, at least you tried & you know where you stand.

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07.22.10#4

Comment by Plano Mom.

Husbands are just kids you can’t take priveleges away from. But wait… you CAN!

Just like you would do with your kids, do with him – find what is most important to him, and take it away.

Of course, a well placed “Honey you are so SEXY when you do the dishes” doesn’t hurt.

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07.22.10#5

Comment by Margaret (Nanny Goats).

I’m going to assume she married a stupid jerk too, because many women do. They marry stupid jerks thinking, “Oh that will change when we get married”. And then they are surprised when the stupid jerk doesn’t change into what they imagined what their husbands would be like once they married them. And they’ve had this idealized version of their husbands in their minds for so long that they are convinced that their husbands are “not the man they married”, but they are EXACTLY the men they married. If this woman wants to stay married to this guy, then I agree with the using of the sex idea, unless she can convince him to go to counseling with her where the therapist will indeed make her use her words. Excellent advice, Heather!

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07.22.10#6

Comment by ExperiencedDad.

Why doesn’t this woman get a job and earn a living like the rest of us. I’m sure the kid would enjoy being around other kids at day care or school. Come on, how hard is it watching Yo Gabba Gabba and being on Facebook all day? This guy is working two jobs and then has to take on a third one when he gets home while his wife is stress free not worrying about bills or how they are going to pay for the roof over her head. Although, playing games and watching porn is a pretty lame way for this guy to relax when in reality he should be online learning how he can make some extra money that will kill off one of those extra jobs.

[Reply]

Karin Reply:

I have 3 kids and a master’s degree and can’t afford the daycare. I tried when I only had 2 and it ate up all but $50/month which, incidentally, was less than what it cost for me to buy gas every month.

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NHA Reply:

I agree. I will never put myself in a situation where I am stuck with a guy because I do not have an income of my own. If you make your own money, then you can always leave a jerk.

If three kids means you might as well not work since day care is too much, have less kids! What is wrong with having only 1 or 2 kids?

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07.23.10#7

Comment by vodka tonic.

Once upon a time, we had one last-ditch effort with a new marriage therapist. Upon hearing my litany of complaints, the therapist advised:
“You are wearing an ill-fitting sweater,” he fidgits with his sleeves, “and complaining it is hot. Get rid of it. It doesn’t look good on you.”
That ended my first marriage to a lazy, belligerent man-child.

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Bonnie Wienke Reply:

Wow! Love the sweater line and may have to borrow it. Smart therapist and you were smart to follow his advice and ditch the husband..

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07.23.10#8

Comment by Kelly.

My take on this one is a little different and while I’m not defending the husband (WOW = IN-DEFENSIBLE!:-), maybe you need to see if you’re giving your husband the kind of appreciation you want from him. Does your husband truly know that you appreciate him working two jobs and letting you stay home? Sometimes a little thank you can go a long way to change the tone of everything and get you what you want.
Also, make sure you haven’t nagged your husband over every aspect of helping out that he’s not motivated to try at all.
Finally, one more thing: Don’t take divorce lightly. You think you’re worn out, emotionally exhausted, and struggling to make ends meet now? Think about working full time and living on less while you take care of three kids and your home completely on your own. Sometimes, divorce is unavoidable, but it, like any other choice, comes with consequences of its own.

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07.25.10#9

Comment by Karen at French Skinny.

I’m going to give you the benifit of the doubt that your husband is not a jerk. Otherwise, why would you have 3 kids with him? So, whenever I start to feel like I have no power I remember a scene from the film, Le Femme Nikita, where Jeanne Moreau gives Nikita her most powerful weapon.

Watch the movie (by yourself), get a sitter, seduce your husband. Become friends again. Use him like a boy toy. He will love every minute of your manipulation.
Men are not complicated.

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07.26.10#10

Comment by thepsychobabble.

I’m not convince I should be hating on him entirely.
If he’s working anywhere from 5-7 days out of the week, and coming home to three young children, it’s understandable that he may be feeling a wee bit burned out.
Just like it is completely understandable that the OP may feel a little burned out by the whole homemaking with three wee ones underfoot deal.
But I think that you’d be better off sitting down and telling him that hey, you really appreciate how hard he is working for you guys. And you know that he sometimes wants to zone out and mess with his computer after work. But you feel like you’re not really getting to see him, except for the back of his head, and you are worried that the kids aren’t getting enough time with him.
And then work out a compromise.
For us, it was no WOW until the kids where in bed. And two nights were either game-free, or a game we both enjoyed.

But, I was working nights and he was working days, so part of the reason that worked for us, was because the other 5 days, I wasn’t home, so I wasn’t bothered:) You may want more days, IDK.
But remember that the important part is compromise. Which means you might have to give a little to get what you want.

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08.11.10#11

Comment by Kali Capps.

I can sympathize. My husband is the top scoring special guy on Call of Duty. He gets medals and talks shit about guys with crappy pings (whatever that means). He also loves that stupid game and it helps him to unwind after a long days work. The work he does makes him want to shoot himself in the face, but he does it anyways because he loves us and wants to make us happy while supporting us financially. So, while I effing hate all things COD, I’m glad he has something he loves that is just his. His personal time is at least as important as mine, I suppose.
Being cooped up in the house with 3 kids has got to blow… but so does working 2 jobs and coming home to a house full of people who need you to do something immediately.
Of course, if you married a stupid jerk, none of that is relevent. You may be in the position that could be a turning point in your relationship and life. Make the decision to accept him exactly how he is for who he is or move the hell on with your life.

Nothing worth having is easy to attain…

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08.07.12#12

Comment by PissedOff.

I think they are all jerks. At least half the time. Marriage is way more hard than you imagine when you are a little girl. I don’t have any advice, just an understanding and sympathetic ear. I even made a website (myhusbandisadick.com). If anyone has any ideas for revenge, Please let me know.

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09.09.13#13

Comment by NHA.

Sorry but what can you expect to have in common when you sit home with kids all day and he works? You popped out 3 kids in 6 years and have no income of your own while he works to support a family of 5.

I would resent such a person too and would come home and try to hide from them.

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03.13.14#14

Comment by Pissed off.

I cannot believe the ignorance of some of the men who post on here. You popped out three kids in six years…hey genius did it ever occur to you that he wanted those kids too?! Moron. If your husband is like mine, he wanted a family, he wanted kids, he wanted a house, he wanted a pool, what he didn’t know is how hard it is to take care of all of those things. So guess who does it…that’s right, me. To the arrogant prick who thinks we watch cartoons and sit on Facebook all day, try it for a month and see if you do half as good of a job as your wife. Here’s a news flash for you, I have four kids, I stay at home, my husband is gone six days a week, I do everything at home, I don’t watch cartoons, I don’t have Facebook, and I can guarantee you that I have more of an education than your ignorant ass and work twice as hard as you do. Grow up men, it’s not all fun and games at home!!!

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