There are times when, no matter how Mouthy, a Housewife needs to reach across the great gender divide and seek the wisdom from the manly sex. And that is just what we did. If you love excellent, thoughtful, humorous, sexy writing, you probably already know Neil. But if you don’t yet, head on over there and check out his blog, Citizen of the Month. Oh, every month. And savor his advice. It’s a treat.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a problem that I think is common for a lot of women. I hate oral sex. I mean giving it. I try really my best, but my boyfriend just doesn’t like the way I do it and it leaves us both unhappy. I’m worried that if I don’t get better at it, he’ll go elsewhere. What do you advise?
Not Monica Lewinsky
Dear Not Monica Lewinsky,
If there is one thing that men know well — it is their penises. You cannot fake enjoying oral sex, even if you are “trying your best.” Your boyfriend knows that your BJ doesn’t come from the heart, and a good BJ always comes from the heart. There is only one solution to this problem. You must learn to love oral sex. How is this possible if you find your boyfriend’s penis unattractive or oral sex as seedy? I recommend some of these visualization techniques that I developed while sitting in my therapist’s waiting room this afternoon. I even mentioned them to my therapist and he said they were “interesting.”
1) The “Top Chef” Technique – Women love this popular reality show and they love eating food. Learn to deprogram your brain through the power of your taste buds! What is your favorite food? Chocolate? Salami and Eggs? Combine oral sex and culinary artistry into one experience! How about making the BJ into a BJBLT! Soon, the oral sex alone will trigger the brain in the same way it would as if you are enjoying your grandmother’s delicious pot roast! You will “hungry” for you man like never before.
2) “Viva La France” Technique – What woman doesn’t fantasize herself living in Paris, the fashion capitol of the world, wearing glamorous clothes and living the life she dreamed about before she got stuck in Podunk working a mediocre, low-paying job? Imagine your boyfriend’s penis as the Eiffel Tower and your bed as the Champ de Mars. Hmmm? Doesn’t that change everything? Now, all of a sudden, giving him a BJ is romantic and ooh la la, something very “Audrey Hepburn.”
3) The “Oprah” Technique – Women love to watch Oprah. She is a television icon. When she recommends a book or a movie, women across America listen. Her name is also the perfect word to use while giving a BJ. As you move up and down your boyfriend, keep on repeating, “Oprah, Oprah, Oprah, Oprah.” Rather than be distracted by the act of oral sex, visualize this as a mantra that will help get you on the next mommy blogger panel episode with Dooce.
Keep practicing and soon you will be giving oral sex like a pro, making both of you very happy.