04 Jun
He Wants a Threesome, I’m Not into Math

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 13. For years now he has bugged the mess out of me to have a threesome. I finally said yes (mostly to shut him up). He asked my best friend (who is also his close friend) if she would be our third, and she agreed.

We went out of town and had his threesome. While the whole thing made me feel closer to him, and revived our sex life, it was hard watching him penetrate her. Then about a month later, while helping her take her groceries in, he somewhat ambushed us and we had another one.

Now he is constantly asking to flirt with her and to have another threesome. I was even going to give him a hall pass to have just her, but I took it back out of sheer jealousy. I hate that he flirts with her so much, and he doesn’t realize how much it bothers me. He says it’s not all the time, but it pretty much is. And if we are together and he doesn’t flirt, he will later tell me, “See, I didn’t flirt,” which tells me he was certainly thinking about it.

I’m at a loss. I love my husband and really want him not to be interested in her. I am admittedly jealous and am sick of being the bad person in the relationship because of my jealousy of his flirting and wanting another threesome. My friend sometimes flirts back, taking his kisses, etc. She has agreed to another threesome as well. And I don’t know what to say or do.

Signed,

Three is One More Than Two
______________________________________

Dear Three,

You are not the bad person because you don’t want your husband to have sex with your best friend.

I even made a t-shirt for you:

I have so many questions.

Like, when you agreed to a threesome to “shut him up,” did you really think that it would shut him up on the subject indefinitely? Because it seems that what we’ve learned from parenting toddlers is that saying yes to shut them up is a very temporary solution that doesn’t work in the long term. Good to know that it also applies to husbands badgering us for threesomes, right? But my other question is did you discuss who the third person would be before he asked your best friend? Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that having your husband have sex with your best friend is one of the Top Ten Ways to ruin a friendship. And a marriage.

And I’m not going to ask why you had to go out of town to have this threesome because I’m going to assume that you were traveling to a different planet where having a threesome with your husband and best friend could possibly be considered a good idea.

But now that you’re back to planet Earth, it’s time to assess the situation. The threesome was a mistake. It was a mistake for you to agree to it, and it is wrong for your husband to badger you about it. I have no idea what’s going on in your friend’s mind and why she would compromise the relationship she has with both you and her husband, but I’m going to paint her with the wrong brush, too. Yes, I’m using broad strokes, but that’s because I firmly believe that there are only two situations when threesomes work: 1. When filming a porno and 2. When none of the three people involved have an emotional involvement with each other.

But now that the horse is out of the barn, you have to somehow unring that bell. (Look, we’re talking threesomes here, my metaphors are a bit off.)

You need to have a conversation with your husband about the fact that you never want to have a threesome again (or a foursome for that matter, in case he whips out a calculator), that it was a painful experience for you and that you have residual issues stemming from it that you the two of you to address with a therapist. Your marriage is on the line and it’s going to take work to save it. But it will not work if you feel guilty for saying no. It is your absolute right to have a satisfying sex life with your husband without sharing him.

Good luck to you.

Marinka, TMH

P.S. And if you want one of those t-shirts, it’s available here.

14 Responses to “He Wants a Threesome, I’m Not into Math”

06.04.12#1

Comment by Chris10.

Wow… WTH?!

06.04.12#2

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

I totally agree with Marinka: when you are seriously committed in a relationship you don’t need to have intruders in it, especially your best friend.

The way it looks to me is your husband and best friend just wanted an excuse to be together with your full knowledge and consent.

melanie Reply:

I was thinking the same thing – that perhaps the husband and the best friend have been lusting for a while but don’t want to blow apart the friendships so this was their convoluted compromise…that said, if they were really in love (the husband and the BEST FRIEND), they would probably just hightail it off together on their own – which unfortunately could also be happening. It doesn’t sound as though there are children in this mix, but it still be a big bowl o’ wrong. This young wife sounds pretty strong and open-minded and is probably still a hottie – I hope she finds her way šŸ˜‰

rojopaul Reply:

Big bowl o’ wrong sums it up nicely for me. No, no, no, and this is why. Great advice by Marinka too.

06.04.12#3

Comment by catgirl.

Tell him you’re so glad he’s excited about the prospect of another threesome, because you’ve got a fabulous idea regarding the cute UPS MAN (or whatever handsome male you have in your life) and let’s see how he reacts to being the one that has to share. Dollars to doughnuts he won’t be “comfortable with that”, in which case he has no excuse not to understand your feelings. If he doesn’t – I’m sorry, but he’s a douche.

B Reply:

Amen. If he’s ok with infidelity (and make no mistake, consent or no consent, a threesome is infidelity) then he should be fine with you inviting another man into this. I can almost promise you he won’t be. Let’s just see how cool he is watching you get penetrated by another man. If he’s not 100% ok with it, then he’s a huge hypocrite and most likely was just looking for an excuse to bang your friend. And if he is ok with it…well, see, that’s a problem too, because a healthy marriage where two people are truly committed to each other doesn’t involve a third party. EVER. If you must, watch porn involving threesomes, but there’s no excuse for his badgering you and sleeping with your best friend, and this obviously didn’t make you closer, and you are not the bad party here.

06.04.12#4

Comment by N and Em's mom.

She has painted herself in a corner on this one. Something tells me when the best friend and hubby get together, they won’t be asking the ex for a threesome.

06.04.12#5

Comment by StephanieG.

WTF? I don’t even have words. On second thought, I do have words….

When you signed up to love him and honor him till death do you part, was there a clause in the contract about including your BFF? Or maybe the UPS guy?

As far as I’m concerned, a threesome is just a way to cheat with your spouse’s consent.

You guys need therapy – all three of you. I cannot understand how in the world your husband or your friend could disrespect you by sleeping together. And how in the world is it ok with you to see the two people you love the most engaged in such an intimate act?

Taking in the groceries is one thing. Effing each other’s brains out is another thing entirely.

Look, we’ve all been there after a decade or so of married love, and sometimes you want to let that freak flag fly. I get that. But if he’s got to have a threesome, it needs to be with someone totally random, and hopefully STD free.

A threesome with you and your best friend is just flat out cheating, especially if he’s already emotionally connected to her.

Unless you want to become the third wheel in your marriage, I suggest you put an end to this immediately.

Danielle Reply:

I laughed so much at your response. Thank you!

06.04.12#6

Comment by Average Jane.

Sometimes it takes trying something before you really know how much you don’t like it. Tell him that.

06.04.12#7

Comment by Deb.

Isn’t this sort of like – him having an affair but just taking you along for the ride so he doesn’t have to hide it? Smart man, he is. Just a friendly push to you, to WAKE UP. You need to stop this right now. You are his wife and he should respect you enough to put you first and stop what he is doing if you do not like it.

06.04.12#8

Comment by Big ol' B with a capital B.

It’s not called ‘jealous’ to want your husband all to yourself. That’s called ‘committed to each other’. That’s why you got married–to have just each other. Tell the man to shape up or ship out. But this behavior is unacceptable.

06.04.12#9

Comment by MrsJBisMe.

Just to shed some experience from the other side of the majority, it seems. I have been involved in a threesome. The difference is: we all wanted it and all terms were agreed upon before hitting the hay. What your husband did (pressuring you), and what he is doing (ambushing, flirting, etc) is all very, very disrespectful. I read this to my husband, and he agrees. It seems that your husband is finding a way to cheat on you without feeling guilty about it. Never ever agree to something, especially something affecting your body, that you don’t want. You owe it to yourself. Good luck. Y’all need to have a nice, long talk.

08.28.12#10

Comment by My Husband's Honesty is Killing Me | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] I hope it goes without saying that you should not, under any circumstances, participate in a threesome or any other orgy-type scenario. Because you can’t unring that bell. What you need to do, assuming that you want to continue […]

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