11 Apr
He Hates My Friend

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve been married for three years to a man that I love dearly.   The problem is that he can’t stand one of my best friends.   He never liked her, but recently he started making mean remarks whenever her name comes up.   He thinks that she’s trashy and a bad influence on me .   She and I go out drinking together once a month; it doesn’t bother him when I go out with other friends, though.   Once he even said that if I really put our marriage first, I’d stop spending time with her.

I am committed to my marriage, but I don’t want to drop my friend.   Am I making a mistake?

Sincerely,

Under the Influence

___________________________________

Dear Under,

On behalf of trashy women everywhere, I have one question to ask your husband:   How dare you, sir?   Since when is trashy is a character flaw? And :hic: why does it seem to have such negative connotations?

I don’t know why your husband’s dislike of your friend is escalating. (I’ve watched a lot of Lifetime TV movies, so it’s possible that he’s hostile towards her because he’s madly in love with her! But apparently this kind of advice is not considered helpful, so please forget that I said anything.)

If you think that he hasn’t gotten to know the friend that you love, talk to him about having her over for dinner, or charades. But if you suspect that he knows your friend pretty well and just doesn’t like her, leave it alone. Let him know that you got his message loudly and clearly–he doesn’t like her.  This would be a great time to remind him that despite your youthful appearance, you were not a child bride and the price he pays for marrying an adult is that you have a right to make your own decisions, which includes being friends with people that you like.  Unless you and your friend meet at a bar to plan your husband’s demise, or to betray him in some other way, he has no legitimate reason to be concerned. Let him know that you find the trash talk distressing.

In the event that he persists in dissing your friend and harboring negativity about the friendship, seek marital counseling. The two of you will need to get to the bottom of this, so that you can enjoy your friends guilt-free and he can learn to express what exactly is bothering him.

Good luck!

Marinka, TMH

8 Responses to “He Hates My Friend”

04.11.11#1

Comment by Plano Mom.

Excellent advice! The last sentence is key. “…he can learn to express what exactly is bothering him.” Something is causing the escalation, and it sounds like it might not have anything to do with trashy friends. Talk to him!

04.11.11#2

Comment by Kati.

To be fair, every time my husband has hated a friend (or relative) of mine, it’s been because he sees something I don’t see (or have chosen to ignore). Usually it’s that they don’t treat me right, they’re using me or disrespecting me, or he’s afraid they’re going to hurt me. In other words, he’s not being judgmental, he’s being protective. Only once has he disliked someone simply because they were annoying…and he was right about that one, too.

I’m not saying that’s the situation here, but I think it’s worth looking into.

04.11.11#3

Comment by Rojopaul.

I wonder if this is man speak for “You married me, why do you have to go out with your friends every month?” Could he just be feeling like he’s not a priority?

Marinka, TMH Reply:

But can’t the marriage be a priority and each party still spend time with friends?

04.11.11#4

Comment by Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac.

Great advice. Thanks for sticking up for trashy women everywhere!

04.11.11#5

Comment by Poker Chick.

Sounds like he may be upset at something with you guys – just by the fact that it bothers him more than he used to.

Think you have two options: talk about what’s really bothering him, or pick a friend of his and REALLY start dissing them. Tough choice.

04.12.11#6

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

Why exactly does he think she’s a bad influence on you? Did he mention any specific behaviour of yours, that he thinks was inspired by her? Because this might not be about your friend at all, but about something he doesn’t like in you, and he blames your friend for it.
Just talk to him and go to the bottom of this.

Good luck! 🙂

06.06.11#7

Comment by Emily.

my first thought was: did she make a pass at him?

I can’t help but wonder if there’s something he’s not telling you.

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