Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A few days ago I found out something about my husband that has made me question if I really know this guy. We are newlyweds; it’s been 8 months since our wedding. I know everything about him, or so I thought. I uncovered his secret by accident.
I do not want to talk about what he has done but once I confronted him he was ashamed and apologetic and said he will never ever do it again. I believe him that he will not do it again but I just don’t know how to go on with my life as normal. I have lost some of the respect I had for him and will not trust him blindly anymore.
I told him he will have to earn my respect and trust again with his actions. I have agreed to forgive and forget and move on. However, for the past few days I have been a wreck. Everything reminds me of what he did. Although I am confident he will not do it again, I can’t stop myself from remembering and crying whenever he is not around.
How can I heal and forget? I need advice on how to pull it together and go back to my normal life. I do not want to be in this depressed state forever. I love him and I want to move on.
I’ve been married for nearly fifteen years, and although I think I know my husband pretty darn well, he still hasn’t lost the capacity to surprise me. Just a few months ago, for example, he surprised me with a trip to Europe. For himself. While I stayed at home with the kids, the cat and the sink full of dishes. We really learned a lot about each other in the conversation that followed the surprise.
You don’t say what the secret that you uncovered was, but I’m going to assume that it falls into one of two categories:
1. Something that he did before you were married/engaged that does not affect your relationship directly.
2. Something that he did after you were married/engaged and is a betrayal of your vows/commitment to each other.
If it is the former, you will need to accept that he had a life before you two got together and find ways to let it go. Of course it’s not as easy as it sounds, and I urge you to speak to a counselor, with your husband, about ways that you can overcome this obstacle. You need to explore why this secret strikes such a chord with you, particularly if it is something that happened when he was younger and did not have your loving presence about him.
If it is the latter, as I suspect it is, and you feel that your marriage is in trouble, run and don’t walk to the counselor’s office. You need to address the issues of betrayal as soon as possible before they have a chance to fester and multiply and take over your everyday life. I am concerned that this is starting to happen already, and it appears to be affecting your well-being.
A last point: You said that you have agreed to forgive your husband and move on. That is admirable, but forgiveness takes time and I don’t think you are there yet. Seek the help that your marriage needs to help you forgive. Who knows? You may be stronger than ever as a result.
I hope all the surprises in your future are good ones.