25 Oct
Do I Really Know My Husband?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

A few days ago I found out something about my husband that has made me question if I really know this guy. We are newlyweds; it’s been 8 months since our wedding. I know everything about him, or so I thought. I uncovered his secret by accident.

I do not want to talk about what he has done but once I confronted him he was ashamed and apologetic and said he will never ever do it again. I believe him that he will not do it again but I just don’t know how to go on with my life as normal. I have lost some of the respect I had for him and will not trust him blindly anymore.

I told him he will have to earn my respect and trust again with his actions. I have agreed to forgive and forget and move on. However, for the past few days I have been a wreck. Everything reminds me of what he did.  Although I am confident he will not do it again, I can’t stop myself from remembering and crying whenever he is not around.

How can I heal and forget? I need advice on how to pull it together and go back to my normal life. I do not want to be in this depressed state forever. I love him and I want to move on.

Signed,

Please Help

___________________________________

Dear Help,

Oh, my.

I’ve been married for nearly fifteen years, and although I think I know my husband pretty darn well, he still hasn’t lost the capacity to surprise me.  Just a few months ago, for example, he surprised me with a trip to Europe.  For himself.  While I stayed at home with the kids, the cat and the sink full of dishes. We really learned a lot about each other in the conversation that followed the surprise.

You don’t say what the secret that you uncovered was, but I’m going to assume that it falls into one of two categories:

1. Something that he did before you were married/engaged that does not affect your relationship directly.

2. Something that he did after you were married/engaged and is a betrayal of your vows/commitment to each other.

If it is the former, you will need  to accept that he had a life before you two got together and find ways to let it go.  Of course it’s not as easy as it sounds, and I urge you to speak to a counselor, with your husband, about ways that you can overcome this obstacle.   You need to explore why this secret strikes such a chord with you, particularly if it is something that happened when he was younger and did not have your loving presence about him.

If it is the latter, as I suspect it is, and you feel that your marriage is in trouble, run and don’t walk to the counselor’s office.  You need to address the issues of betrayal as soon as possible before they have a chance to fester and multiply and take over your everyday life.  I am concerned that this is starting to happen already, and it appears to be affecting your well-being.

A last point: You said that you have agreed to forgive your husband and move on.  That is admirable, but forgiveness takes time and I don’t think you are there yet. Seek the help that your marriage needs to help you forgive. Who knows? You may be stronger than ever as a result.

I hope all the surprises in your future are good ones.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

 

14 Responses to “Do I Really Know My Husband?”

10.25.11#1

Comment by Cate8.

And??? Inquiring minds want to know what he did! He does drugs? Wears your party dresses when you aren’t home? Masturbates to his mommy’s picture?
Gosh I am so curious.
{whatever you do—don’t reproduce with this weirdo}

Susan Reply:

I hope you’re kidding. But seriously, with that little of information you would be so quick to judge him a “weirdo” and that OMG “whatever you do – don’t reproduce with him”!

Cate8 Reply:

ah, no one gets my humor anymore. Guess I am up too early
It was just a joke… chillax

Hailey Reply:

Susan i laughed out loud!

10.25.11#2

Comment by Suzy.

I agree, it is hard to assess what the problem is without..well, actually knowing what the problem is (although Marinka, as always, gives excellent and sound advice).
Perhaps this it comparable to a “Rorshak Test”..but is it porn (this goes beyond curiosity here, I could really help with this one!)

10.25.11#3

Comment by danielle.

I was thinking it was pron as well Suzy. I know it was an issue when I first married my husband. I finally decided that as long as it wasn’t controlling his life or affecting our sex life I didn’t care. Men looking at porn has nothing to do with us as women.

10.25.11#4

Comment by Megan.

I concur with Marinka’s advice. Excellent.

10.25.11#5

Comment by Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac.

Really great advice, especially considering she gave you so little to go on. Maybe true forgiveness can come only after she spills the whole story to us Interneters??

Cate8 Reply:

yes, Liz I agree….what is it?

10.25.11#6

Comment by Meredith L..

OMG ARE YOU MARRIED TO DON DRAPER??!?!??!!

“Forgive and forget” is easy to say, but IMO it’s a lot harder to do. Are you just saying that so HE’LL feel better, or do you really believe that you can overcome this at some future point?

10.25.11#7

Comment by tracey - justanothermommy.

I’m guessing it’s porn and porn is usually a HUGE issue for wives and a given for men. IT SUCKS. Men are pigs. This isn’t something that I “condone” but it also isn’t a big, big issue anymore. I don’t consider it a betrayal if he TELLS ME ABOUT IT. If I “find out” and we have to have a whole secrecy thing? That’s what hurts.

Talk it out, girl. Write it out. Explain how you feel about whatever it is, and how you had envisioned marriage. And once you say you’ve forgiven him? You HAVE TO let it go. Don’t hold grudges in marriage. Trust me.

Best of luck.

10.25.11#8

Comment by Stefani.

Yes, men are pigs. And husbands are disappointing. Especially when women have been brought up to expect handsome Princes who get down on bended knee and weep at their beauty. I relate to your fantasy of committed and perfect love being shattered. I agree with the person who suggested therapy. My husband and I have been through a similar obstacle and therapy is the only thing saving us right now. That, and sobriety. If drugs or alcohol are involved, consider that they might be a huge part of the problem.

10.27.11#9

Comment by victoria.

While we were engaged, I learned from my husbands ex wife that on several occasions when he and I were having difficulties, he had reached out to her. Despite the fact that she assured me nothing physical had transpired between them and it was only two or three phone conversations – I was devastated. When I found out, we had allready purchased a home and were raising our five children, and I felt I couldn’t uproot them and devastated their lives. He agreed to have no contact with his wife, and all correspondence about the children was through our shared email account and I in turn agreed not to throw his ass out to the street. This happened years ago, and there are times when I still have trust issues. They creep in at the most inopportune times, so I try to keep a watchful eye and five through those moments, privately. Broken trust is a tough thing to repair, but if you love him keep trying.

09.13.12#10

Comment by My Husband Was Invited to a Bachelor Party. But He's Married! | The Mouthy Housewives.

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