31 Mar
Should I Get a Boob Job? Or a New Husband?

It’s Guest Post Friday! On Thursday! OMG, we’re so confused! Today we’re joined by the super funny Bejewell from The Bean, who is also one of my Austin blogger friends because she once bought me a hamburger. Beej is one hilarious mamma jamma who guested for us once before and gave great Facebook/marriage advice. We’re thrilled to have her & her kick ass advice back here today. Thank you, Mizzus Bejewell! Mwah! — Wendi


Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband keeps hinting that I should get a boob job since I’m no longer nursing or having any more babies. (I’m a B cup.) I’m not sure if I want to do this or not, but I also want to keep him interested and hot for me. What should I do?

Signed,

Flat Franny
_______________________________

Dear Flat Franny,

Okay, let me get this straight. You want to know if you should spend thousands of dollars to undergo major surgery so your already-normal-sized breasts can be artificially enlarged by the implantation into your body of foreign objects (or, as I like to call them, “bags of goo”), which are likely to either rupture, leak, cause breast pain, back pain and/or a host of other health complications, all so you can keep your husband – WHO IS MARRIED TO YOU FOR BETTER OR WORSE – interested in sex?

Really?

Listen, hon. I don’t know your husband or how serious these “hints” of his are, but if he requires larger breasts as a condition of staying “hot” for you, he’s a total asshat.

I’m not saying that NO ONE should have breast implants – in some cases they’re a lovely option, especially for women like my friend Paula who lost both of hers to cancer and had reconstructive surgery. But if you have even a shred of doubt that this surgery is right for you, you should tell your husband (and anyone else who suggests you need bigger boobs to be sexy) to suck it.

If the husband’s insinuations persist, perhaps you should drop a few hints of your own. Open your computer’s web browser to before/after photos of Tara Reid, Janet Jackson or Viveca Fox, and “accidentally” leave it open so the next time he sits down to check his bank balance he gets a nice big eyeful of weird, dented, fake celebrity boobs instead. Maybe it won’t seem like such a big turn-on then.

Or change the subject to something the hubs might really want but can’t afford. A home theater? A pretty new mid-life-crisis Corvette? College accounts for the kids? A healthy retirement plan? Any or all of those things would be a lot easier to afford without sinking thousands into your cup size — no? Hey! Better yet, cruise on over to one of those penis enlargement sites and sign him on up. After all, you’re not the only one in this relationship who can make a few adjustments!

Bottom line: If you don’t think there’s anything wrong with your body, there’s not. And don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

Hugs, kisses and nipple twists —

Beej, Guest TMH

38 Responses to “Should I Get a Boob Job? Or a New Husband?”

03.31.11#1

Comment by N and Em's mom.

As a big-chested woman with a chronic aching back let me yell in caps, “DON’T DO IT!” After I “developed” men didn’t look me in the eye for 25 years. Now I am old and crabby (see the first sentence). Tell your husband that you need $500 because you are going VIctoria Secret. This is a really small fraction of what it would cost you to get enhanced boobs and a new wardrobe since none of your bras, shirts, and coats will fit. Men!

amanda Reply:

my husband tells me that i dont need boobs and that they look just fine… im an a cup, that has breast fed two kids for a year each, i look like a boy from the side. you should do what feels right to you and not worrie what anyone else thinks

03.31.11#2

Comment by Mellowdee.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I wished my itty-bitty-titties had a lil’ more oomph. But if this site doesn’t put the fear of gawd into anyone considering the possible perils of plastic surgery, I don’t know what will! (It also includes all three examples noted in Beej’s great advice.)

http://tinyurl.com/yeehrzl

03.31.11#3

Comment by The Flying Chalupa.

One word: push-up bra. It is all about presentation, my friend.
“B” is for beautiful. Okay, that was cheesy. Sorry.

ps – nipple twists – HA!

03.31.11#4

Comment by Fletch.

I think the main point is: are YOU happy with your breasts?
I do not think that one needs to judge people who opt for plastic surgery. There are many people who make that choice and are very pleased and have no regrets. But I think it has to be a choice made by an adult who has done much mature, responsible thinking- not someone being pressured by a peer or mate.
Thanks to weight fluctuations and breast feeding, I have what I like to call “National Geographic” breasts. Not exactly champagne glass, more like champagne flutes. I would like to reserve the right to have them put back where they were if I can get up the dosh and the courage wthout a tsk tsk from the naturalist
society.

03.31.11#5

Comment by calliope.

As someone with breasts that are waaaay too big (DDD before I got pregnant, and they’ve grown and I’m actually sort of scared to try to find nursing bras in 3 months when I’m due), I’ll tell you right now, larger breasts are not what small breasted women seem to think they’ll be. I have constant back pain, my spine is curved in two places, I’m 29 and they’ve lost all perkiness and that’s before I’ve ever breastfed. Bra shopping is a nightmare and I can’t find clothes that fit well. Clothing that is tight on my chest hangs on the rest of me.
I have a friend who was very petite (5 feet and about 120 pounds) and had DD cups and had horrible chronic back pain. She wanted a reduction and her asshole husband actually argued against it. Their marriage almost failed partially because he was being selfish over her breast size.

And I guess that’s the point. They’re YOUR breasts, not his. He married you for you as a package, not for your cup size (hopefully) and for him to be suggesting you should surgically alter yourself in a way that isn’t medically necessary or even, to be honest, cosmetically necessary (B cups are normal!!) is totally selfish and shallow.

If he’s not “hot for you” because of your breast size, that’s his problem, not yours. You shouldn’t have to cut yourself open and shove water balloons under your skin to make your husband happy.

03.31.11#6

Comment by From Belgium.

They are your boobs and if you are happy with them than that is that.
Trust me, having big girls isn’t what it is cracked up to be. You always have to wear a bra, bikini’s will be hard to find and men will throw sexist comments at you like childeren throw bread to a duck.

03.31.11#7

Comment by Catherine.

Tell him you’ll get a boob job if he gets a penis-enlargement job, because you’re really not turned on by his anymore.
Seems only fair.

admin Reply:

LOL!

amy Reply:

Perfect!

03.31.11#8

Comment by Diane.

All great advice. I’m like Beej’s friend Paula (and I thinking know her cuz this is Austin and we all know each other down here). I had to get new ones because my old ones tried to kill me. I would never have chosen implants and I was pretty small but I never judged the 90 percent of the moms in my hood who did have it done. Bottom line – everyone else said – it’s your body. If it would make YOU happy, go for it. If not? Well here’s another cautionary tale. Every 3rd house is for sale in my hood and it’s all due to the big D. Might be couples have bigger things to work on than boobs.

03.31.11#9

Comment by Sophie.

Even if all the rest doesn’t scare you off, remember those babies need removing or replacing every 8 years.
I assume he would pay for them the first time since he is the one requesting them. But are you certain bigger bazookas would be all it takes for him to stick around and pay for the next upgrade?

Diane Reply:

That’s actually inaccurate. Perhaps that was true years ago but the ones today are much better performing and longer lasting.

03.31.11#10

Comment by Heather.

I’m still waiting for testicle enlargement surgery to come out. I mean, my husband is done having children, what is he using those things for anyway?!

03.31.11#11

Comment by Alexandra.

I would get the procedure.

And get him to pay for it.

And then let him know what happens when the boobfairy comes.

I would leave him.

Buh-bye

03.31.11#12

Comment by Bejewell.

I bought Wendi a hamburger?

Karin Reply:

I’m betting Wendi stole your hamburger…the intro was a confession

03.31.11#13

Comment by deutschemexicana.

Don’t do it! I’ve seen Paula’s and they are purty- but necessary. Can think of a lot of other places to spend that kind of money.
She said asshat….

03.31.11#14

Comment by Apryl's Antics.

Your husband sounds like a turd burglar.

03.31.11#15

Comment by annie.

I’m not at all a fan of non-lifesaving surgeries so I say screw it.

Or tell him when he gets a new penis large enough to pop an extra large double chubby condom, you’ll consider it.

Nicolini Reply:

Bahahahahaaaaaa

03.31.11#16

Comment by Plano Mom.

“You can only perceive the beauty that lives outside you when you feel the beauty that lives inside you. Honor your body and accept it as it is. You have the right to feel beautiful and enjoy it.” Miguel Ruiz

My friend just posted this to facebook, sure sounds appropriate to this conversation.

When I bemoan the saggy state of my size DD girls, my husband says “It is NOT how they look or feel to ME, but how they look and feel to YOU, what they do for YOU, that makes all the difference.”

Wise man, one of the reasons I keep him around even when he’s an asshat.

03.31.11#17

Comment by Mandy.

Um, jerk. Next time he suggests a boob job, tell him he needs to have surgery to get a bigger d***.

03.31.11#18

Comment by ERIN I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

I hate when people say they got plastic surgery for ‘themself’ and not ‘for a man’. Aren’t fake boobs, at their core, always for a man, even if not the one you’re married to? Unless they’re for holding up grocery bags, and in that case get really extra big ones.

You gotta just tell him that it makes you feel devalued. And then ask him to get his penis enlarged so you stay hot for him.

03.31.11#19

Comment by ERIN I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

I realized that maybe I’m jumping the gun on assuming you feel devalued – but it seems like by posing the question out of concern his interest won’t remain if you don’t have porn boobs, you must feel it a bit.

03.31.11#20

Comment by Pop.

Are men allowed to comment on Mouthy Housewives? In case you need credentials, I own b-cup moobs.

Often being as asshat myself, I can affirm Beej’s statement that he is in fact being an asshat. Granted, he’s your husband so I assume you find him less asshatty than the readers of this post might after reading your question. But if his interest in you is waning, the implants will certainly help you keep the asshat around but it’ll only be a matter of time before those no longer maintain his interest either. And what are you left with? Grocery bag holders.

03.31.11#21

Comment by Breann - Life and Love of a Parrothead.

My perspective may be a little skewed but I had mine done when I was 27 because I was almost as flat as a 12 year old girl. After I brought it up enough, my husband (of course) let me go through with it. For me, best decision ever. Clothes fit, I felt proportioned… I only went to a C.. However.. If this is something you DO NOT WANT then don’t do it. It’s your body and you have to love yourself. There is never an instance where it is ok to alter yourself to please another person.
I agree with Erin.. tell him you will look into 2 for 1 deals on breat enlargement for the wife and penis enhancement for the husband. Or show him a Ken doll and tell him thats his future if he brings it up again…

03.31.11#22

Comment by Nanette.

“Honey, Once you’ve gone through with that penile implant, then I’ll consider it…”

03.31.11#23

Comment by Plano Mom.

How about she not bother with the penile implant, but tell him he must forever maintain six-pack abs and have the stamina of an 18 year old.

03.31.11#24

Comment by hokgardner.

A former coworker got a boob job because, and I quote, “I want my husband to look at me the way he looks at women with big boobs.” And of course, they were divorced three years later because he stopped simply looking at women with big boobs and started doing other things with them.

If you want to do get bigger boobs, by all means, go for it. There are days when I think about having mine at least lifted, but I’d never do it simply to make my husband happy.

03.31.11#25

Comment by Mandy.

I have your solution!!!

http://thestir.cafemom.com/beauty_style/118286/want_bigger_boobs_try_bosom

(It’s not dirty, I promise).

04.01.11#26

Comment by Peajaye.

Clearly, the husband needs to be applauded for his honesty. And in that same spirit of honesty, I think Franny should offer her own list.

I mean, why just stop with a bigger penis or better abs? What about electrolysis for his back, ass, or pubic hair? Does he have a weak chin or jawline? Full head of hair? (no gray, please) There are implants for the calves and buttocks, although he should have a gym body, if you are really being honest. And what about height? I heard they can now do bone transplants to extend the legs. And wrinkles are a big turn-off too.

And hopefully, the paycheck he’s bringing home has at least 9 digits, yes?

Of course, the real solution is a conversation. Men sometimes need very specific instructions. I think Franny needs to just tell him that he fucked up. That she knows he didn’t mean to insult her, but he did. That she is the mother of his child, his lover and life partner, and as such he needs to love her unconditionally, the way she loves him.

And if he wants something bigger to squeeze and kiss in the meantime, try her ass.

Seriously.

04.01.11#27

Comment by Karin.

hunny – you can totally have my D-cup’s that I come by naturally… I would totally go for some B-cups any day of the week! I can NEVER find anything to wear and even when I was skinny mini, I did not look thin and EVERYTHING had to be altered (size 8 pants, size 12 top that didn’t fit in the shoulders, the arms or the waist but needed to button) – and the amt of support needed on top so that to stay in shape is ASTOUNDING and NOT PRETTY. Go with the push-up bra – it’s cute and sexy. The “full coverage” bras that actually support you are a pain to deal with and admittedly ugly.

04.03.11#28

Comment by Elle's Mom.

I’d just tell him I’ll do it when you get penis enlargement surgery. That should shut him up.

09.23.11#29

Comment by Asshat.

A lot of perspective from the wives whose hubbies want their better half enhanced. But what of the hubby whose wife wants the girls done while he thinks she’s beautiful the way she is? And that perhaps she’ll not be taken seriously, or perceived as unintelligent, bimbo-ish. Or isn’t comfortable with other men gawking at her. Not all hubbies want a wife with DD silicon.

12.08.11#30

Comment by Ribbit.

I say hubby should dump her and move on to someone who does it for him instead of staying with someone who will just keep him unsatisfied in one form or another. Of course the courts will eat him alive so he loses anyway. Its a losing battle. She will get them after he leaves just to spite him but will refuse if he stays. A man can’t win at this.

03.28.13#31

Comment by KatieKat.

No offense,he may love you,but damn.that’s screwed up.He should love you for who YOU are,not what he wants you to turn into to please him.If he is going to obsess over you getting bigger boobs,when you’re perfect how you are,then,he’s kind of selfish.You aren’t married to him just to please him.Both of you are married because you love each other and want to spend your lives together..he needs to realize that he married you for who you are and that he shouldn’t try to change you.

12.24.13#32

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