19 Oct
Take This Ring And Get Me A Different One!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My boyfriend just proposed! I’m so excited. I love him dearly and of course said “yes.” But I HATE the ring. Just hate it. He obviously missed all my hints about the perfect ring because this one is totally not my style. He will be heartbroken if I tell him, but I don’t want to wear this thing for the next 50 years. What do I do?

Love,

Ringer
_______________________________________________

Dear Ringer,

Congratulations on your engagement! And on your optimism that your marriage will last fifty years. And that even if it does, you won’t have to hock the ring at some point to make ends meet in this economy. Ah, young love.

For future reference, by which I mean for the next time that you get engaged, the best way to hint is to find the ring you like online, and email the link to the guy with the words “Me likey” in the body of the message. Repeat as needed.

But for now, you have a guy you love and a ring that you don’t. Which is so much better than the other way around.

To remedy this, you can take one of two routes. First, tell him gently and lovingly that although the ring is beautiful, it doesn’t quite fit you. You know, a good ol’ “it’s not your ring, it’s me.” It’s too heavy, it’s too light, it’s not diamondy enough, it’s too cubic zirconiayi. You can do it. Marisa Tomei got an Oscar for less.

If you prefer the honest route, take a deep breath and tell him. Tell him that you love him (right?) and are excited about your life together, but you want a different ring. Say it like you’re ripping off a band-aid and don’t look back. His feelings may be hurt (although unless he mined that diamond himself, I don’t foresee a lot of sleepless nights for him over this issue), but it will be over and will not remain a lingering issue between you.

May this be the biggest problem that the two of you face in the next fifty years!

Best,
Marinka, TMH

27 Responses to “Take This Ring And Get Me A Different One!”

10.19.09#1

Comment by writingmama04.

Do it now before it’s too late. I waited 14 years to get the ring of my dreams. After my 2 year old flushed my old one. I had taken it off – one time in 14 years – to clean up a monstous poop incident not worth mentioning. So once you do get the ring you crave, be sure to insure it. PERSONAL ARTICLE INSURANCE RIDER, on your HO or Renters policy. Sound advice from someone in the know.

10.19.09#2

Comment by Ashlie- Mommycosm.

Ooo, ooo…I have an idea. Keep the ring, for now. Get that personal article insurance rider. Hire a kid to come over and “accidentally” flush the ring.

Voila! You don’t hurt your fiance’s feelings AND you get a new ring.

10.19.09#3

Comment by Marinka,TMH.

I like how you think, Ashlie! Or, to be all current eventsy and stuff, you can hire that balloon family to get another balloon untethered and have the ring be inside it!

10.19.09#4

Comment by andi.

Perhaps you wear it and spare the poor boy’s feelings and then after the wedding you just become one of those women that just wears a band? and you can make sure you have some input on the band to get it as big and sparkley (modest or whatever you like) as you want!

10.19.09#5

Comment by Plano Mom.

Go here: http://www.fullersjewelry.com and ask for Ken. He’ll know exactly how to approach it.

10.19.09#6

Comment by christy.

I love Marinka’s advice. I circumvented this ever happening to me by going ring ‘shopping’ with my husband before we got engaged. I tried on tons of rings that I liked – and then he picked one that I just loved! I hadn’t seen it in months and months so it was a total, lovely surprise! I have a memory of a goldfish, though. hehe.

10.19.09#7

Comment by Wendi.

Why don’t you just get a tattoo of a ring on your finger? That’s something nobody ever regrets.

10.19.09#8

Comment by Lanie.

Let him know now! This is part of marriage already..communication!

I received a beautiful ring but it was yellow gold and I had wanted platinum. So, we decided to have it remade. Not a big deal. I’m happy and because I’m happy, my man is happy. Not a big deal.

And likewise, if he thinks your ass may be getting too big…don’t take it personal, fix it. Viola! A long happy marriage.

Congratulations on your engagement!

10.19.09#9

Comment by Kellymac.

Not to be rude, but I don’t get why women get so upset about what their ring looks like. My wedding ring and engagement ring set was $180 dollars at Walmart, and I didn’t care. I was in love and glad to be marrying my husband, so it could have been a ring from a gumball machine. I wouldn’t have cared. Try to focus on the marriage and not the jewelry.

10.19.09#10

Comment by Lanie.

Kellymac

Wouldn’t you agree that it’s part of the whole dream of marrying the man of your dreams? Wouldn’t you agree that deep down inside the ring reflects the love and feelings a man has for his future bride? Wouldn’t you agree that the ring is the symbol of his immense love and desire to give his bride the desires of her heart?
And although the ring doesn’t make the marriage, it is an important component to many many many many women.
I could say I don’t get why you would be happy with a $180 wedding set from Wal-Mart. But I won’t. :)
Peace.

10.19.09#11

Comment by Marinka.

Kellymac, To be fair, I don’t think it’s so much the price/carat as the appearance. I don’t love diamonds and I told my pre-husband that I wanted a ruby ring. I agree that jewelry is not as important as the love and the relationship. Unless we’re talking tiaras.

10.19.09#12

Comment by The Good Cook.

Just make sure the ring was purchased first – you know, make sure it was not his grandmother’s cherished family heirloom… don’t want to make enemy’s with the new MIL. Not yet anyway, there’s plenty of time for that.

10.19.09#13

Comment by Bethany.

I know this has nothing to do with helping out the person asking the question, but, my first ring was from a gumball machine. I still have it but now I wear my gold wedding band. I’m not really a bling-wearing type of gal so I don’t have a diamond or any other type of engagement ring. Of course it could also be because I was only engaged for 11 days.

10.19.09#14

Comment by Swistle.

I think it has nothing to do with money spent or about priorities (Kellymac, not to be rude, but saying “not to be rude” doesn’t make it un-rude), but only about personal style and taste, and how we might not want to wear EVERY DAY something we consider ugly. My first engagement ring cost $70 (high school love!) but I genuinely loved it (I helped choose it), and my eyesight is too poor to tell a real diamond from a fake anyway. Win! If it had cost $5000 and I’d thought it was ugly, I would have considered that a NON-WIN.

I don’t know what to do in this specific case, though, now that the ring has been purchased and given. I think we should overthrow the whole dumb “He chooses an expensive piece of jewelry without input” idea. I like the idea of proposing with a ring from a gumball machine, then going together to choose the real ring.

10.19.09#15

Comment by Pollyanna.

How ugly can it be if it’s a solitaire?

If it’s not a solitaire, you could casually (and innocently bat your eyes) mention that you wish you could get a band that wrapped around it, but you just don’t see how that could be done. Gage his reaction and then suggest having the diamonds reset into a wedding set.

If it is some funky solitaire, you could say (again innocently & casually) that you really didn’t want to have two rings after the wedding, but perhaps the diamond could be re-set in the actual wedding ring. Yes, you would have to give up your engagement ring for at least a week before the wedding so the diamond can be re-set, but if you get your way, it’s worth it.

My husband bought my engagement ring at a pawn shop (at 1/4 the actual value), and he knew it wasn’t the style of ring I wanted. It was his suggestion that we reset the diamond into the wedding ring. It worked out very nicely – he was able to get the size diamond he wanted at a price he could afford, and I got the ring of my dreams.

10.19.09#16

Comment by tammigirl.

Tell him soon, tell him often! (Okay, at least until he gets the point) You’re telling him soon for his own good – any jeweler worth their salt will allow for a trade in right away if the bride to be isn’t satisfied.

I had uttered the words “Princess cut” about a billion times to my husband before he bought my ring. I wanted yellow gold, too. I got a round solitaire in platinum, but it is the most beautiful stone in the most amazing setting I have ever seen. I fell in love with it instantly. He knew what I liked well enough to find something I like.

Something which is as big of a deal as an engagement ring should be something you love. Your man wants you to love it, trust me. He didn’t buy it for his own happiness. He bought it for happiness by proxy.

After you tell him you don’t love the ring, if he looks a little down, you can always do that thing he likes.

10.19.09#17

Comment by MarathonMom.

I wish that what my ring looks like is the biggest marriage problem I have had.

10.19.09#18

Comment by Johbird.

I was in a similar situation – fortunately, he hadn’t BOUGHT the ring yet – he proposed with a stand-in, then proudly showed me the ring he’d chosen. It was beautiful, but really impractical, and I knew I couldn’t wear it forever. So I told him that I wanted to design a ring together, and he was sad for a couple of days “You don’t like my ring *pout*” but then he got really into the process of selecting a jeweler and sketching designs, and we both feel so invested in the end product; it’s something beautiful we really created together.

But either way, I might make a quick call to the jeweler he bought it from to see what the return policy is, and if you can exchange it, then tell him, gently. He’ll get over it pretty quickly, you’ll have a ring you love, and you’ll have practiced a critical marriage skill.

If you can’t exchange it, and you can’t afford to melt it down to make a different one, then learn to love it. Another critical marriage skill.

10.19.09#19

Comment by Lisa.

I know you are just trying to spare his feelings, but it is just a ring. One *you* will be wearing every day forever, so it makes sense that it be one that *you* like, not one that *he* likes. If he can’t get that, then there is a problem here.

As for the commenters who say ‘it’s just a ring, get over it’ it makes more sense to say that to him, than to her. You wouldn’t wear a shirt Every. Single. Day. that wasn’t your style, would you?

10.19.09#20

Comment by fraujoolie.

No need to pout until you’re empty-handed on Valentine’s Day, wondering why there was a big withdrawl to the jewelry store, and your husband isn’t home.

Marinka,TMH Reply:

Whoa!

fraujoolie Reply:

I should’ve clarified, “…unemployed [now ex-] husband…”

10.20.09#21

Comment by QueenJaneApproximately.

I agree that you should let him know you would be happier with another ring more your style…especially since you’ll be wearing it a long, long time (with any luck!)

I mean there’s no reason you should just lock it away in a jewelry box if you actually want to wear an engagement ring with your wedding band. Personally, I’d be more offended as a guy if you did than if you just told me you wanted a different one.

I’d think most guys would even be more than willing to admit they’re clueless when it comes to these things. He’s not going to be too offended if he finds out he was off the mark since it seems like he didn’t have a very good idea of where the mark was to begin with.

If you just explain to him the things you want different (platinum instead of gold for instance) and why (you like the look more, it’s more durable, etc.), he probably won’t take it as hard as if you simply state that you don’t like it. In other words, do the ol’ “It’s me, not you” routine, just a little more delicately. Consider this the first test of many to come in what will hopefully be a long marriage :)

11.06.09#22

Comment by amy.

Thankfully hubby took me out a few times to look at rings AFTER we got engaged. To me the wedding/dress/cake meant little but having a ring I loved meant a lot to me. I have a beautiful ring I love and we had the wedding we wanted (eloped to Hawaii 17.5 years ago!)

01.12.12#23

Comment by I Want a Big Wedding, He Wants to Deny Me Happiness | The Mouthy Housewives.

[...] I mean, Yay! Wedding!  Congratulations on your engagement! [...]

05.02.12#24

Comment by He's Marriage Material. Just Not Now. | The Mouthy Housewives.

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02.22.13#25

Comment by If He Likes It Then What's Taking Him So Long To Put A Ring On It? | The Mouthy Housewives.

[...] know someone who gave an ultimatum and got the ring. I also know someone who broke up with her boyfriend because he hadn’t proposed, and after a [...]

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