14 Dec
Mouthing Off: Holiday Commercials

Oh, you know the ones I’m talking about.

Lexus.

Kay Jewelers.

That one where they won’t stop talking about ORGIES. (Or maybe it’s 4G. Whichever.)

They’re the ever-present car, jewelry, and gadget commercials that make us all feel like a steaming pile of reindeer poop. The ones that suggest you’re probably not a real husband or wife if you don’t fork out some serious cash for blood diamonds this year. I mean, the holiday season is stressful enough, wouldn’t you say? How the hell are we supposed to get into the spirit while being bombarded with images of hipster car drivers with a keen ear for obscure piano music and PDA-loving, diamond-adorned romance novel characters?

It’s CHRISTMASTIME, not Armageddon for crying out loud!

In fact, just the other day, I was enjoying a moment of family harmony after dinnertime. In that brief, blissful five minute period, there were no quarters shoved in the Wii, no sweaty socks sitting on the dining room table, and no shrieks of horror bellowing from the laundry room. The four of us sat on the couch and clicked on the television for some educational programming when–

BAM!

Jane Seymour strikes again.

Suddenly my husband was cursing under his breath about the impossible pressures that are placed on modern man while the children lamented the fact that our Christmas tree wasn’t topped with a Swarovski-studded star. I even found myself daydreaming about chocolate-covered diamonds and humming, “Every kiss begins with…STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!”

We tried to salvage the evening, but a few minutes later, we were subjected to that horrid Lexus commercial. You know the one.

WHY IS THERE A CAR IN OUR LIVING ROOM?!
I WANT A DIVORCE!

I’m not sure what type of feeling it’s meant to evoke, but I’m guessing RAGE isn’t what the advertising executives had in mind. And yet that’s all I can manage to muster when I hear that insipid tune followed by a look of recognition and excitement on some 1%-er’s face. What is this 1953, and we’re all on an episode of Name That Tune? At this point, my family had all had quite enough. My husband flipped the couch over, the children set fire to the Christmas tree, and I went off to find the vodka I buried in the back yard.

And as I lay there in the back yard, covered in dirt and mourning the days of Christmases past, I started scripting my own goddamn commercial in my head. Because who are these people who buy cars for Christmas, and where the hell do they get those ridiculous bows? WHERE? So here’s my version of a more realistic holiday commercial:

*****

Scene: A bickering couple rides in their building’s elevator, late for a holiday party. She digs in her purse for a tape recorder to play the Lexus theme music and surprise her husband.

Him: What the hell are you looking for? Don’t tell me you left your wallet in the apartment, because we are NOT going back, Meegan.

Her: OHJUSTSHUTUPANDLISTENTOTHISMUSICFORAMINUTE! [Presses play.]

Him:   I can’t hear anything.

Her: [Banging on tape recorder.] Jesus. I think it’s broken.

The elevator stops and opens. He walks out.

Her: NO WAIT! Why are you always trying to ruin my surprises?!

Him: What surprise? [Spots car parked in front of the building with a red bow.] Ha! Getta load of this! Some asshole bought a $45,000 car for his wife. He probably didn’t even ask her first. Surprise honey, I spent your retirement! What an idiot!

Her: Um, SURPRISE, honey! That’s for you!

Him: [Incredulous.] That’s for ME?

Her: [Beaming with satisfaction.] Mmm-hmm!

Him: Why the…I don’t….I mean…it’s…RED. Why are you always trying to emasculate me?! And are those cloth seats? God, this is the worst Christmas ever.

FIN.

*****

THIS is your American clientele, Lexus. Get it right next year for Pete’s sake.

_________________________

This post contains a sponsored Patio Furniture link. Thank you!

 

21 Responses to “Mouthing Off: Holiday Commercials”

12.14.11#1

Comment by chris1010.

one word. brilliant 🙂

Cate8 Reply:

ditto

12.14.11#2

Comment by Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes.

I second that. Brillant.

12.14.11#3

Comment by Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes.

Brilliant damnit!

12.14.11#4

Comment by Sara.

… and I certainly don’t want any jewelry that identifies me as a soccer mom! HATE that one!!!

12.14.11#5

Comment by natecammom.

Glad my husband and I weren’t the only ones who thought they were saying “orgy” throughout that entire commercial.

Meredith L. Reply:

I kind of felt like a pervert for thinking that, too. Glad to know I’m not a lonesome pervert.

12.14.11#6

Comment by I'm a big ol' b with a captial B!.

AMEN!!!

Add in most kid’s Christmas shows today, “It’s not Christmas without SANTA! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!?!”

Note to TV show makers. Let’s say they want to avoid talking about religion and Christmas, fine. But then, make it about loving others, being kind to one another, giving, celebrating time with family…. I could go on, but this whole thing is pissing me off the more I think about it, so I won’t!

12.14.11#7

Comment by Miss Yvonne.

I want to punch my tv whenever one of those damn Lexus commercials comes on.

12.14.11#8

Comment by Marie.

I have tears streaming down my face from laughter. I alos have the Kay Jewlers song stuck in my head again. But, I suppose thats inevitable this time of year. Thanks for the Wednesday morning laugh.

Merry F*&$%&^ Chrtistmas.

-MM

12.14.11#9

Comment by jedge.

I can’t stand the Lexus commercials! Every time they come on I look at my husband and say “who would actually recognize that music?!”. I mean really, that music would not make sense if my husband played it for me. We agree no cars or diamonds for Christmas.

12.14.11#10

Comment by Angie Uncovered.

100% agreement here! I wouldn’t know a car jingle to save my life and if I hear JS go on one more time about keeping her heart open I’m going to open a vein.

A side note: The jingle that plays in my head all day is from Marv’s Body Shop. It’s so bad that I actually make lyrical comments to my co-workers to the tune of that jingle. It’s sick.

12.14.11#11

Comment by Meredith L..

What I’ve always wondered is, how do you even go about getting someone a CAR for Christmas? How is that possible? Isn’t buying a car, like, a huge deal? And then how do you get it home without your spouse noticing? By the time Christmas morning rolls around, your loved one has probably concluded that you are having an affair and left you.

I'm a big ol' b with a captial B! Reply:

Total tangent here…

I was moving to the same city as my fiance to start my first job.

The few weeks before I could NOT get a hold of him. I’d call the house (he was still living with his parents since he hadn’t graduated college yet) and he was always ‘busy’, ‘out’, ‘at class’……

I started to wonder if the dude was cheating on me and why am I moving to a city to be near him if he was cheating?!

Turns out he was fixing up my horrible apartment that I rented sight-unseen before I moved down since he didn’t want me to be scared of it when I first saw it. But he didn’t want me to know about it.

Anyway, thanks for the funny memories, Meredith. 🙂 I agree, how does one go about purchasing a car without the other knowing?

12.14.11#12

Comment by Bean.

This is the primary reason I love my DVR. No commercials.

12.14.11#13

Comment by Amber Gallant.

I was going to make a witty comment, but I’m laughing too hard. If my husband bought me a car for Christmas I would shoot him.

12.14.11#14

Comment by dusty earth mother.

Awesome. Every kiss begins with… STOP.

12.14.11#15

Comment by Poker Chick.

I work in advertising and always gag at those Kay and Lexus ads that inevitably roll around EVERY freakin’ Xmas. They must work, or they wouldn’t keep doing it. Have you seen the Honda ads with the car salesman from Seinfeld? It’s hilarious. He starts with a car with a ribbon on top and says dryly to the viewer “are you a millionaire”? “No”? Takes the ribbon off – “Then you’re not giving a car as a gift…” – or something to that effect. Anyway it was nice seeing someone mocking those stupid car as gift commercials. I guarantee the only people giving cars or crazy jewelry as gifts this xmas probably can’t afford to do so, and that alone is a terrible thought.

12.20.11#16

Comment by Chunky Mama.

YES! The car commercials always piss me off because they mean that someone, somewhere, can actually afford to buy a car for Christmas. And that person is obviously an asshole.

As an aside, someone recently Tweeted “Every Jizz begins with Jay.” which is SO WRONG but cracked me up. So now the Kay Jewelers commercials don’t bother me at all because I am too busy giggling like a 12 year old to think about all the sparklies I won’t be getting.

12.28.11#17

Comment by Em.

Who can afford a brand new freaking car these days? I’m still driving my 2001 Sequoia and probably will until I (or it will) die… If I had a husband buy me a new car without asking (hello, do I not get a say in the finances?? Or are we rich enough that no one cares? Are we crooks or did we win the lottery?), I would shoot him in the face with a bazooka.

06.11.12#18

Comment by How to Succeed in Advertising: Ask the Mouthy Housewives to Write Your Ad | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] am an advertising student and we were given a project based on choosing a mass production product and creating an ad. […]

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