28 Dec
What Should I Do Before I Die? I Mean, Turn Forty?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I need your advice! I’ll be 40 in about 15 months. Instead of making a bucket list, I’m making a Things-To-Do-Before-I’m-40-List. Do you have any ideas?

Signed,

I’m Not Dying, I’m Living!

________________________________________

Dear I’m Not Dying,

Hoo-boy! You’ve come to the right place, woman. If there’s nothing I love more, it’s making lists! That are in numbers of ten! And double-spaced! In alphabetical order!

::washes hands::

Now, I suppose the importance of this list is to make the most of your thirties before you turn 40 and lose most of your street cred, is that right? Because might I just use this opportunity to remind you that 40 is the new 30. (Or, so I’ve heard. I’m 32 so this may all be before my time.)

That said, here’s some ideas to add to your list:

1. Buy a family cemetery plot.

2. Conceive a child.

3. Have a medical exam for life insurance.

…wait…this isn’t the type of list you were thinking of, is it? Let’s try again.

1. Go to Vegas with your girlfriends and do something scandalous. (Bring extra cash for bail money. Watch the movie The Hangover for inspiration.)

2. Send those amateur photos to Playboy!

3. Enlist in the Air National Guard as resident cougar.

4. Go streaking through your kitchen. (I mean, you COULD go through your neighborhood, but the next block party might be awkward. You are nearly forty, after all.)

5. Everyone puts skydiving on their list, so take it a step further and steal a plane!

6. Adopt a bunch of cats and really freak out your family and neighbors.

7. Are kids still piercing themselves these days? If so, pierce a nipple! If not, do it anyway and bring sexy back.

8. Track down Justin Timberlake and ask him what the hell “bringing sexy back” even means.

9. Reconnect with an old friend. That old hag probably still has your favorite sweater anyway.

10. Make a new friend! (Preferably with an older woman so as to highlight your own youth and beauty!)

My OCD prevents me from lengthening this list much further, but I’m confident our readers will have some excellent ideas for your milestone birthday in the comments! Right readers?

Happy almost-birthday!

Kristine, TMH

11 Responses to “What Should I Do Before I Die? I Mean, Turn Forty?”

12.28.11#1

Comment by TheHappyBaker.

Ooh ooh!

1) Buy a super comfortable bed and ignore what it costs. Life is too short to toss and turn.

2) Go out one night in a bitchin’ pair of way-too-high-for-decency lipstick-red pumps.

3) Apologize to someone you’ve hurt, regardless of whether they deserved it. And be sincere.

4) You know that ONE place you refuse to go by yourself? A movie theater, perhaps? Or that fancy 5 star restaurant on a saturday night? A weekend road trip? Go. All by yourself. If you can’t enjoy your own company, you’re not fit to be company for others.

5) Attend a service for a religion you’ve never experienced. Never been to a synagogue or a mosque? It would be an interesting experience. Don’t be afraid.

6) To a good charity, give more money than you’re comfortable giving. It’s easy to part with a loose $5 bill. It’s harder to write out a check that makes you gulp and pause for a moment. But it’s one time, and you’ll feel phenomenal afterward.

7) Have a “frenemy”? Someone who appears like a friend but is critical or judgmental or rude? Call them out. End it.

8) Write a love letter. To yourself. In explicit details, gush about all the things you adore about yourself.

9) Do something that scares you. Personally, I am terrified of rollercoasters and murky water. A river rafting trip and a pilgrimage to a theme park would be in order. Figure out what makes your nerves jangle and do it.

10) (apparently I have the same OCD) Give up a vice. If there’s something you are unhappily addicted to–alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, soda, sugar, fast food, shopping, gambling, whatev– take steps to rid yourself of it. Start your 40’s fresh and independent.

Connie Reply:

LOVE this list!!! Awesome ๐Ÿ™‚

Cate8 Reply:

great lists, both

12.28.11#2

Comment by Cate8.

Almost 40—ah, the good old days. At 48 I feel younger than I did at 40. Well I had a baby (my last of 8) at 42…that is a crazy thing and very taxing for a 40+ body believe me!

I love lists, too, and will try not to duplicate the previous suggestions

1. buy a house
2. weigh what your BMI says cuz it’s gonna be crazy hard to get there at 50 (48)
3. Road trip
4. Read the Bible
5. De-clutter
6. ask yourself this question (my GYN asked me) Does your relationship bring you joy?
7. Pay yourself first–retirement looms
8. VOTE
9. plan a huge 40th party… I had one with live music, keg, and a goat…
10. BE HAPPY 40 is just a number…you are as young as you feel รขโ„ขยฅ

Carla Reply:

Ok, I have to ask… a goat?

Cate8 Reply:

ya, there was a goat and she kept stealing food off the picnic table. X’s crazy uncle brought his goat and a dog that liked to bite kids. oh,ya it was a fun day

12.28.11#3

Comment by Kristine.

Great lists, ladies!

12.28.11#4

Comment by Plano Mom.

Love, love the lists. To add to Happy Bakers:
#2… and feel absolutely no guilt or shame when you take off those heels to dance barefoot.
#5 or attend a familiar service in a different language. The sound of a familiar hymn without the words you know is very liberating.

And lastly, my own:

For everything new you try, cut yourself some slack. Failure is only new insight into what your gifts truly are.

Connie Reply:

Love your own tribute there. Words we can all take at any age ๐Ÿ™‚

12.28.11#5

Comment by K-Line.

Go out for an awesome dinner with friends – like a really pricey one where the food and service are spectacular. Eat 2 desserts and get someone else to pay ๐Ÿ™‚ (I mean, by 40, doesn’t someone have some cash kicking around??) I say, start as you mean to go on.

12.28.11#6

Comment by Marie.

I love these lists so much, I am near tears. Looks like I have a lot to do in the next 9 years.

I have to add my own:

Go to Hawaii (or anywhere tropical). Or, if you already live somewhere warm, c’mon over to Minnesota in mid-winter. My kitchen is always open. ๐Ÿ™‚ Happy birthday!

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