Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I need your advice! I’ll be 40 in about 15 months. Instead of making a bucket list, I’m making a Things-To-Do-Before-I’m-40-List. Do you have any ideas?
I’m Not Dying, I’m Living!
Dear I’m Not Dying,
Hoo-boy! You’ve come to the right place, woman. If there’s nothing I love more, it’s making lists! That are in numbers of ten! And double-spaced! In alphabetical order!
Now, I suppose the importance of this list is to make the most of your thirties before you turn 40 and lose most of your street cred, is that right? Because might I just use this opportunity to remind you that 40 is the new 30. (Or, so I’ve heard. I’m 32 so this may all be before my time.)
That said, here’s some ideas to add to your list:
1. Buy a family cemetery plot.
2. Conceive a child.
3. Have a medical exam for life insurance.
…wait…this isn’t the type of list you were thinking of, is it? Let’s try again.
1. Go to Vegas with your girlfriends and do something scandalous. (Bring extra cash for bail money. Watch the movie The Hangover for inspiration.)
2. Send those amateur photos to Playboy!
3. Enlist in the Air National Guard as resident cougar.
4. Go streaking through your kitchen. (I mean, you COULD go through your neighborhood, but the next block party might be awkward. You are nearly forty, after all.)
5. Everyone puts skydiving on their list, so take it a step further and steal a plane!
6. Adopt a bunch of cats and really freak out your family and neighbors.
7. Are kids still piercing themselves these days? If so, pierce a nipple! If not, do it anyway and bring sexy back.
8. Track down Justin Timberlake and ask him what the hell “bringing sexy back” even means.
9. Reconnect with an old friend. That old hag probably still has your favorite sweater anyway.
10. Make a new friend! (Preferably with an older woman so as to highlight your own youth and beauty!)
My OCD prevents me from lengthening this list much further, but I’m confident our readers will have some excellent ideas for your milestone birthday in the comments! Right readers?