Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My daughter is in Paris for the summer. I am so happy for her and so jealous. Is this normal? I am so longing to go back in time and relive my younger years. Instead of working, doing laundry and paying the bills, I want to be eating croissants in the shadow of the Eiffle Tower. How can I snap out of this funk?
Green with Happiness
Dear Green with Happiness,
Your daughter is in Paris while you are stuck in the U.S. working, doing laundry, and paying bills and you ask if it’s normal to be happy and jealous at the same time. If you’re a cyborg, no, it isn’t normal at all and you should see your programmer immediately. But if you’re human, yes, it’s totally normal. For instance, I’m human and have a foodie friend, and every time she talks about the year she spent living in Paris, I’m so in awe yet at the same time I want to sucker punch her in the boob. So see? You and I are completely normal humans.
What can you do to snap out of this mid-life funk? Normally I would suggest utilizing a nice bottle of wine (French, of course), but after a child-free weekend with my husband where we, okay, I consumed a bit too much in the way of adult beverages, the mere idea makes me sick again. So we’ll have to get more creative. I say we really embrace our American heritage and forget the French! Repeat after me…
Who needs France when you can eat this fat, juicy cheeseburger in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty!
Who needs France when you can eat this doughnut in the shadow of Cinderella’s Castle!
Who needs France when we have Super Targets with an international wine aisle!
Who needs France when you can buy Le Creuset in the U.S.!
Who needs Paris, who needs France, I wear sexy underpants!
I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling very patriotic already. We should probably blow up some fireworks right about now, or do something even more American, like super size an order of french fries and then ride an elevator to the 2nd floor.