I Promise to Have and to Hold…Other Lovers
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a gay male who’s in a relationship with a fantastic guy. The problem is a promise I made when we first got together. He told me that his ideal situation would be to have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend at the same time. I told him this was fine, since neither of us really expected the relationship to go far. Now I’m in love and kicking myself. He’s gone on a date with one woman and it killed me. But, I made a promise, and I can’t take it back just because it’s gotten harder to keep. I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want to break my word. What do I do?
Signed,
Promise That Came Back to Bite Ass
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Dear Promise That Bit Ass,
Even though I’m a straight married female, your boyfriend and I have a lot in common. My ideal situation would be to have both a husband and a wife at the same time too! Then I could have the benefits of a husband who does manly stuff, like cut the grass and lift heavy boxes into the attic, AND the benefits of a wife who does womanly stuff, like cook dinner and paint toenails. Then the entire world would revolve around my wants and desires and no one else’s. Doesn’t that sound like heaven?
But, damn it, I had to go and promise to love and cherish only one person. Sigh. If only I knew what I was getting into – all the dinners cooked, all the trash I’ve taken out. Too late for me though since a promise is a promise, never to be broken. Except when I promised my 8-year-old son we’d play Apples to Apples and then broke it. I hate that game to the Nth power so we didn’t end up playing it. But I swear I made it up to him by baking cookies. Maybe you could break your promise but make it up to your boyfriend by going out with someone else.
Perhaps in our society we do take our promises too lightly, even the more serious ones, so I commend you for your integrity. But those ethics of yours are really getting in the way of my advice! As relationships evolve, expectations in the beginning morph into different ones as time passes. At least that’s been my experience. It sounds as if your expectations of an open relationship have changed to one of a more committed relationship. Is that breaking a promise? I don’t think so.
My best advice to you is to talk honestly to your boyfriend. He may be ready for more commitment in the relationship. Or it could be he’s just a man-whore who wants the world to revolve around his wants and desires, and in that case, he’s not the fantastic guy you thought.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
12 Responses to “I Promise to Have and to Hold…Other Lovers”
Comment by April.
I totally agree with Heather. You have to talk to him. Bottom line is what do you want. Do you want the forever promise (which hopefully one day you can make LEGAL in the freakin US)? If so you need to tell him. If he does not want that, you may need to move on. It sucks, but you need to know his level of commitment. Finding Mr or Mrs forever is hard for everyone, no matter their sexual orentation. It maybe that your hunny just does not realize your level of commitment to the relationship. Maybe he is testing the water with this other relationship to see if he is thinking about you and your relationship while he is with the other person. The interesting way to look at this is would you feel differently if he were dating another man? I don’t see how it is fair to ask you to just deal with it bc it is a person of the opposit sex.
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Comment by Betty Herbert.
Yup, sound advice. We all make deals when we first start relationships, but they’re up for renogotiation whenever you like. No-one should be held to the promises they made in the first flush of lust.
You should consider, though, that your partner may be genuinely committed to a polyamorous life, rather than just being a dog with two dicks (is that a phrase used in the US? If not: you’re welcome). You need to discuss this carefully between you; but you shouldn’t feel pushed into accepting this state of affairs just because it’s the ‘hipper’ thing to do.
Good luck with it all. Whatever you do, don’t conceal your true feelings from your partner. You never know, he may just be grateful to be allowed to settle down.
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Comment by Plano Mom.
Spot on advice. Think of it this way; if you were lying to your mate about fooling around, it would be the same deal. You’re not being honest about your level commitment to the relationship. You both deserve that.
And the best advice given to me? Heartache last a few months; but if you’re not in the right relationship, misery lasts forever.
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Comment by Mommycosm.
When I first began dating my husband, he made it clear that he didn’t EVER want to get married or be a dad. {giggle} I told him at that point in my life, I didn’t want that either. I didn’t. We agreed to talk if that changed for either of us. Luckily, our relationship evolved and we were both ready to make the leap around the same time.
It’s all about communication. You simply cannot make a promise to ALWAYS or NEVER do anything in life. BUT you can promise something in the here and now. And you can promise to communicate as your needs/wants change. Clearly, yours have.
Talk to him.
Good luck.
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Comment by Marinka.
Any chance you had your fingers crossed behind your back when you made that promise?
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Comment by Kyle.
Thank you everyone for the advice. Yes, this was my question. And I just wanted to say that Boyfriend and I had a long and difficult talk. He chose for himself, and he chose me. Thank you all for helping with a tough time.
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Michelle Reply:
January 14th, 2011 at 9:06 am
Yay, Kyle! I’m sure that wasn’t an easy discussion. Happy for you!
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Comment by Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up).
My real answer is that the guy should have an honest conversation with his boyfriend.
My answer to you, Mouthy Housewife, is that both my husband and I agree that we need what we call a “scut” wife who would cook, clean, and basically do all the stuff i should, but don’t, do on a daily basis. If she needs to get laid i’m sure my husband could accomodate her…occasionally.
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Comment by Alexandra.
Yeah yeah, good advice, Heather, but what I really want to say is HOW CAN I GT A HOLD OF YOU?
Your old email is dead, and TGIF you’re here today.
Please, email me. I miss you.
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April Reply:
January 14th, 2011 at 12:36 am
I am so glad for you! Talking about it was the key. Yea Kyle!
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