Dear Mouthy Housewives,
We had a huge 4th of July celebration – tons of family and friends, all at my house, which brings me to Monday morning. I was very tired, lying in bed and, please forgive me, I got caught up in the mindless Kardashians and their stupid show. It was on all day! My question is, what is anal bleaching and WHY? It seems all the girls are doing it?? We were afraid to look it up on our computer in fear of what other links would show their ugly heads. Can you help? What is it and WHY? WHY? WHY?
Curious and Confused
Dear Curious and Confused,
I’m not sure of the answer myself, so I conducted a bit of field research in your honor. I took my 13-year-old cat into the laundry room and splashed bleach on her kitty rear end. I’m going to speculate that spilled bleach and six-inch long scratches down your arm are not the typical results of anal bleaching. I’m also shocked at my cat’s reaction to anal bleaching since she is constantly sticking her butt in my face. I thought she was asking for help.
Next I consulted my husband who I consider knowledgeable in all things weird and disturbing. After all, he knows Jabba the Hutt’s sexual preferences. With no thought to who may be in his office, I instant messaged to him “Anal bleaching!” to which he replied, “I can’t talk politics right now.” Wha?
I don’t know about you, but I’m only more confused. So I did the only thing left to do. At the risk of losing Google’s good opinion, I searched “anal bleaching.” Wikipedia was first up on results and gave this explanation:
Anal bleaching is used to lighten the color of the skin around the anus for cosmetic purposes, making it more uniform with the surrounding area.
Thank you, Wikipedia, I’ll never look at a bottle of Clorox the same again.
Now, as to why girls do it, I assume women like the Kardashians never learned of Charles Darwin and still use the mating practices of monkeys where they show off their pinkish-red butt to attract a mate. How positively primordial. Most other women use more evolved techniques, such as braces, breast augmentation, and tanning beds, which is a step up from monkey butt. But for those of us at the highest level of evolution, we use wit, intelligence and expensive hair products to broadcast our desirability.
Curious and Confused, I hope that answered your questions you. And also, I recommend KÃ©rastase* hair products.
*TMHs were not compensated by KÃ©rastase in anyway, which is unfortunate in this humidity. I could certainly use OlÃ©o-Relax before some primordial hussy asks my husband to scratch and sniff her pink butt.
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