24 Mar
A Mouthy Housewife Goes Double Secret Undercover

Dear Gorgeous Mouthy Housewives Readers,

It’s time we let you in on some earth-shattering news. Mouthy Housewife Heather (that’s me!) is going double secret undercover. In case you don’t understand the “double secret” part, it means my mission is TOP SECRET times two, which is why we’re telling the entire internet. So, you know, shhhhhh.

One-half of my TOP SECRET housewife mission is to infiltrate the domestic species called Happy Suburbanus Homowifeicus (commonly called June Cleaver). I’m to study their ways and investigate the true source of their happiness. (Did they really find Jesus in the kitchen, or did they actually find what Moses was smoking while “high” on Mt. Sinai?) I’ll be honest – it’s taking a lot of alcohol for me to keep up the appearance of extreme happiness. But after a three-martini lunch and a flash of my Excel spreadsheet shopping list, they accepted me as one of their own. Now I only need an organic raised-bed vegetable garden in my cookie cutter backyard and I’ll be inducted into their inner circle!

The second half of my TOP SECRET mission is to work my way into a local homeschooling sect and find out why everyone raves that it’s the best thing ever and how much they love it. I suspect they spend a lot of time sniffing dry erase markers. I suspect this because that is what’s working for me. (Homeschooling is the best…snniifffffff. Ahhh! I loves it so much!)

It’s a dicey undercover role I’m taking on, y’all. Already I’m eyeing my next-door neighbor’s weedy lawn and wondering at what point I can report them to our Home Owners Association. The line between a happy housewife and a bored overachiever in denial has become blurred.

It’s also a time-consuming role, which means you’ll no longer find me here on a weekly basis. I hope you understand. I have 16 FEET OF HYBRID ORGANIC TOMATOES TO GROW, OMFG. And dry erase markers to sniff. The good news is that I’ll still pop in from time to time as a guest writer. And Marinka, Kelcey, and Wendi may drop you little updates of my mission, so if you hear them mention Daisy Curbstone, you know who they’re talking about.

So until then, I’ll leave you with the Happy Suburbanus Homowifeicus blessing…

Go forth and propagate!

(It’s their traditional way to wish you well in your vegetable-growing endeavor, but now I wonder if I’m required to have sex with their husbands. Shit. This means I’ll have to look good naked too. I’m never getting out of here.)

A very fond farewell,

Heather, TMH

19 Responses to “A Mouthy Housewife Goes Double Secret Undercover”


Comment by calliope.

I hope you’ll still be posting occasionally when your hectic marker sniffing and tomato fertilizing schedule permit it?


Comment by hokgardner.

Good luck with your new secret mission. I’ve missed reading your blog and will miss reading your advice here. Hope you pop up now and again.


Comment by Ann's Rants.

Onward! Upward! (as in hiiiiiiiiiigh as a marker-sniffing, home-schooling hausfrau)

Bring your hilarious back to the internet soon!!


Comment by Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up).

Well, i will be interested in reading about what you find out. I’m pretty mouthy…do you guys need a substitute big mouth?


Comment by annie.

Hey, I’m pretty sure Daisy Curbstone was that super hot neighbor lady who was far too cool to hang out with Wilma and Betty. You know the one, Fred and Barney used to offer to “trim her hedge” a little too often.

I can see that being you! Good luck with your secret mission my dear. Please don’t forget to come back! xoxo


Comment by Wendi.

Does this mean I now have to take on the Brunette Housewife role? I don’t think I’m down with that.

Truthful Mommy Reply:

I do have someone who happens to be brunette and would be more than happy to keep Heather’s snarkilicious seat warm for her:)


Comment by Marinka.

I’m supersad, and I superhope that Heather’s not using this whole double secret undercover as a way to become one of Charlie Sheen’s goddesses.

Truthful Mommy Reply:

Damn, I bet that is her plan!Much more exposure:)LOL And he seems pretty iffy on the porn star goddess.I think Heather has a good chance:)


Comment by Kati.

We’ll miss you!!


Comment by Alexandra.



First your blog, now here?

How will we manage without your smart ass no bullshit ways?

I am very sad.

I need to read you somewhere, at least once a month.

I think you need to write at least once a month.

Please? You can’t leave us alone out here in this land where every kid must have his label.

I’ll miss you.


Comment by Truthful Mommy.

Have a blast sniffing the markers and becoming the benevolent dictator of suburbia. Show those Stepford wives a few tricks or two. You will be missed.
On another note, if I may be so bold , I know of another mouthy housewife who would absolutely love to keep your seat warm while you are dominating the world.


Comment by Mandy.

We’ll miss you, Heather!


Comment by Sara.

Best wishes Heather. The secret to fabulous tomatoes …. Buy them at the farmers market. Not only do you look all Organicus Granolafolia you can pass them off as your own. You get up before the fam and go when the sun rises – with a nice martini in you BPA-Free sippy cup, uh, I mean reusable beverage container. It makes for a fabulous adventure. And get some of the fresh eggs and tell people they’re from you own animals.

And the homeschooling, I near tell that Price Is Right is an excellent Mathematics program!

Be The Awesome!


Comment by Mom on the Verge.

Heyyy… I keep my shopping list in excel. What’s wrong with that? And I sniff dry erase markers while homeschooling. Or I would if I didn’t have to buy the washable ones.

Make sure you remember where you keep that toothbrush you use to get the dirt out of the crack between the kitchen floor and the baseboards. I know I do!


Comment by JubanMama.

May the Force be with you.


Comment by Shauna.

Best wishes to you, Heather!


Comment by Desperate Dietwife.

Please Heather, don’t go completely AWOL!!!! 🙁


Comment by HellTygr.

Heather,I wish you the best of luck. I mean that. Selfishly, I want you to get back to writing, you may need that outlet. Start over anonymously, create new aliases for your kids, and send me the link! Until then, keep the following post in mind:

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