09 Apr
The Tweeter Cheater

It’s Guest Post Friday! Yay! Today we welcome the very snarky, very funny LuLu and Moxley’s Mom. And, no, those aren’t the real names of her twins–it’s what she would have named them if she were a crazy, attention-seeking celebrity. Which she’s not.   Or at least, we don’t think so. Maybe she’s a huge star in Sweden who drives a diamond-encrusted Volvo and owns Ikea—we don’t know for sure.   Anyway, thank you for joining us today, LuLu and Moxley’s mom–we’re thrilled to have you!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m a married mother of three, but recently I’ve started to seriously flirt with another man on Twitter. (I’m not using my real name.) I really enjoy this little bit of fun in my boring day, but lately our “conversations” have been getting increasingly naughty and I’m fantasizing about him at night. Should I stop, or is this just harmless fun?


Tweet Me

Dear Tweet Me,

Tweet Me indeed! Because that’s what  you’re asking for — to get Tweeted, if you get my meaning.  Before I answer your question, might you indulge me by answering one of mine? How does one “flirt” in 140 characters or less?  Why not e-mail? Or get really old school and actually talk on the phone?  Not that I”m encouraging you here. No.  Allow me to channel Dr. Phil for a second…um, well, do you know what he might say?   Me neither, but here’s a guess:

Why not Tweet your husband (literally and figuratively) instead of some stranger who, if you met him in person, would probably communicate in short phrases instead of whole sentences because that’s all he’s capable of. In other words, “bloom where you are planted.”   (That’s a folksy way of saying you’re already firmly entrenched in the marital garden with your husband — and three little tulips — so why not put your energy into watering them instead of twittering with some guy who, let’s face it, is probably 500 pounds and needs a crane to lift his rotting flesh out of bed to go pee?) (Did I ruin your late-night fantasies? Good.)

Still not convinced? Learn from my mistakes, Tweet Me.  I once carried on a six-month dalliance (pre-marriage, mind you) with a gentleman via e-mail. He was witty, charming and intelligent.  Upon meeting him in person, I found myself starring in that movie where Steve Martin has the big nose and was feeding the lines to his more agreeable looking friend so he could get the girl. (Don’t make me Google the name of the movie. That’s not important.)   What is important is the guy was a stiff in person, and really, the best thing for him to do is commit a heinous crime and have one of those death row marriages where they only communicate via mail.

My point being you don’t know a person until you, well, know a person. And you can’t really know a person if you’ve never met them.  Especially not when you are writing  things like “U R so hot” and not spelling things correctly because you fear going over your allotted characters. So stop the Tweeting and the (pseudo) cheating!


LuLu and Moxley’s Mom

12 Responses to “The Tweeter Cheater”


Comment by Susanebere.



Comment by Wendi.

The only person I’ve ever thought about flirting with on Twitter is the lady who owns a cupcake store.


Comment by jon_e_7.

I’m habitually the’other man’ on twitter. Where did I go wrong??


Comment by Karen at French Skinny.

Wow, I am constantly confusing people with my incoherent Tweets, so I am secretly impressed and yet………ewww.


Comment by marathonmom.

I don’t really get how that works. But I guess it’s kinda like the 2010 version of going to the library with your SO and looking up all the dirty words in the unabridged when you are supposed to be studying for Academic Decathlon.


Comment by Anna Lefler.

I loved the Steve Martin big-nose movie! Did you see the moves he had with that tennis racket?


~ A.


Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

I think you may find yourself receiving big D papers via a Tweet if you’re not careful. Husbands don’t deal well with the notion of wives flirting with men. My husband acted like I was an adultress for like a month after seeing Unfaithful. And I definitely had not met Olivier Martinez on a windy day. I’d have remembered…


Comment by Nicole.

Thanks for that visual image of 500lbs of rotting flesh going pee. ewww. Are these, like, public tweets, cuz, uh, weird.


Comment by the mama bird diaries.

Excellent advice. Your tweeting is going nowhere good. Start tweeting the hubby.


Comment by Mommy on the Spot.

Good advice. Fantasy is just that: a fantasy. Tweet your husband.


Comment by amy.

Sounds like the guy gives good ‘Tweet’. Pity but have to agree with the others. Thinking your husband would be hurt if he knew.. Know I would be..


Comment by Neil.

Husbands are over-rated. Sexy men on Twitter are much more interesting. Look at your husband — sitting there watching the Celtics in his undershirt. Is this the man you married with dreams of a future? Wouldn’t you rather be tweeting with a George Clooney look-a-like (according to his avatar) who is always so witty, and wears a top hat and tuxedo as he tweets from the Algonquin Room.

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