03 Oct
Is It Against The Law For Moms To Wear Skinny Jeans?

Today I’m thrilled to welcome Peyton Price as our guest poster! Peyton is the author of the hilarious and touching Suburban Haiku book series where she gives readers a taste of her life in the suburbs in haiku form. (Not an easy thing to do, that.) There have been many, many times I thought she was standing over my shoulder at a soccer game because I relate to 99% of what she writes. Peyton is observant, funny and an all-around great gal and her advice today is spot on. Find her on her blog Suburban Haiku and on Twitter as @suburbanhaiku. Thank you, Peyton! — Wendi

 

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

As a middle-age mom of two, I’m writing to ask if there is a certain age when a woman shouldn’t wear skinny jeans. I mean, if you still have the figure at 40 to wear them, is it ok? Do skinny jeans and driving a minivan full of kids go together? Or is that a paradox that would cause a galactic implosion? I want to wear the new style, but I’m worried I’ll look like a mom who’s trying too hard to forget her age and laugh lines. Advice?

Signed,

Skinny Jeans Here I Come…Or Not
__________________________________

Dear Skinny,

I am so glad that the Mouthy Housewives sent me your question because (1) I spent the better part of last Saturday trying on jeans and completely empathize with your dilemma and (2) I am a bossy busybody.

It’s tough out there for a fashionable 40ish mom. Your instinct to keep up with the times is a good one. Nothing says “I give up” like locking into a trend that’s come and gone. I’m looking at you, moms with fanny packs and scrunchies. You know what Heidi says—In fashion, you’re either een, or you’re aut. When it comes to skinny jeans you can count yourself een.

But here’s the skinny: You have find the right pair. Don’t worry. I’m here to help you with a simple set of rules and a few insider tips on age appropriate shopping.

Rules: Your skinnies must fit. If your jeans are so tight that people walking behind you can make out your varicose veins, find another pair. Avoid muffin top, whale tail, plumber’s crack, camel toe—anything with a nickname is a no-no. To check the fit, move around in the dressing room: Can you sit down? Bend over? Climb into the minivan? Kick a pair of dirty socks down the stairs without spilling hot coffee on the baby? If your answer to all these questions is yes, I really need to get one of those jobs behind the 2-way mirror.

Age Appropriate Shopping Tips: Do not shop in Juniors. That’s just embarrassing for everyone involved. (Why is the music so so LOUD?) It might be tempting to go ahead and try something on when you’re there shopping with your daughter anyway, but believe me, no one wants to see Mom hogging the three-way mirror and asking “Can I pull this off?” (Skinny jeans are literally hard to pull off—on account of the feet getting stuck.) Just say no to butt Beadazzling, pink sparkles, butterflies, and any embellishment with a face, no matter how totes adorbs that Hello Kitty is.

Instead, take the escalator up to the mom department, where the skinnies are cut high enough that you won’t have to debate whether to go tucked or untucked (tummy-wise, not shirt-wise). Look for skinnies with a little Spandex to flatter your best assets (pun intended, get it?). If you find yourself in the hosiery department eying those pajama jean legging things, turn back, you’ve gone too far.

Speaking as a fitting room survivor, I know you can find the perfect pair. Go forth and rock the look, Mama. Let’s celebrate our fashion savvy with a haiku:

Check out the rear view.

If you start feeling cheeky

give a smack: “Good job!”

Yours in fashion,

Peyton Price, Guest TMH

19 Responses to “Is It Against The Law For Moms To Wear Skinny Jeans?”

10.03.12#1

Comment by elissameck.

Haha – tucked or untucked tummy…like it! Oh but it’s too close to home…

Peyton Price Reply:

I know. I can barely handle the truth myself.

10.03.12#2

Comment by Jeni.

Hello, Peyton! Great advice here.

I’d add only one thing. If you have a child between the ages of 11-17, take them with you when you’re shopping.

You can base your choices on the length and depth of their eye-rolling.

Peyton Price Reply:

Outstanding advice!

10.03.12#3

Comment by Lib.

Jeni’s advice is perfect. There should definitely be an eye-roll scale that parents can use to gauge their daughter’s (let’s be honest: we’re not taking our teenage sons jeans shopping) tolerance of a given outfit.

Peyton Price Reply:

Hmmm. I only have boys. I might have to wait for them to do something really awful, then take them along for punishment.

10.03.12#4

Comment by Momma Be Thy Name.

So GREAT to see you here! So funny!! I’m glad I’m not alone in the tummy tucking (tucking tummy?) department. And I don’t even KNOW what a whale tail is. I’ll have to Google that.

Peyton Price Reply:

I do not recommend an image search.

10.03.12#5

Comment by sue diamond-phillips.

might be the most life changing post ever :)

10.03.12#6

Comment by sue diamond-phillips.

I literally want to go jeans shopping now. Now that i have the tools. *wiping away a tear*

Peyton Price Reply:

If I can make a difference in just one dressing room, it’s all worth it. ;)

10.03.12#7

Comment by Carpool Goddess.

Oh Peyton, you just make me smile all kinds of crazy. (Excuse me while I tuck my stomach into my faux-non-mom jeans)

Peyton Price Reply:

I shall avert my eyes while you take care of that. :)

10.03.12#8

Comment by Mama Bug.

More than the skinny jeans, I want to know if I’m allowed to wear leggings as pants. I’m not talking the hausfrau leggings under the muumuu or anything that comes within ten feet of a stirrup. I mean just standard black (and maybe even capri-length) that hide stains particularly well, and are comfortable while still showing off a bit of leg. If I keep my shirt longer than my butt? Please?

Peyton Price Reply:

I’m going to say yes, if your shirt is truly covering your derriere, even when you bend over to pick up a lego. (We’re talking tunic, not oversize T.)They must be real leggings, not tights in disguise. If you need clarification: http://tightsarenotpants.com/

10.03.12#9

Comment by Clint.

Hi, I think the advice to take along your teenage daughters was great – they will be outrageously honest! You can count on that.

10.04.12#10

Comment by Cait.

Best advice ever! I’m going shopping for jeans- non skinny because let’s face it, I’m not- and taking this post with me.

Peyton Price Reply:

Good luck out there!

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