Today I’m thrilled to welcome Peyton Price as our guest poster! Peyton is the author of the hilarious and touching Suburban Haiku book series where she gives readers a taste of her life in the suburbs in haiku form. (Not an easy thing to do, that.) There have been many, many times I thought she was standing over my shoulder at a soccer game because I relate to 99% of what she writes. Peyton is observant, funny and an all-around great gal and her advice today is spot on. Find her on her blog Suburban Haiku and on Twitter as @suburbanhaiku. Thank you, Peyton! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
As a middle-age mom of two, I’m writing to ask if there is a certain age when a woman shouldn’t wear skinny jeans. I mean, if you still have the figure at 40 to wear them, is it ok? Do skinny jeans and driving a minivan full of kids go together? Or is that a paradox that would cause a galactic implosion? I want to wear the new style, but I’m worried I’ll look like a mom who’s trying too hard to forget her age and laugh lines. Advice?
Skinny Jeans Here I Come…Or Not
I am so glad that the Mouthy Housewives sent me your question because (1) I spent the better part of last Saturday trying on jeans and completely empathize with your dilemma and (2) I am a bossy busybody.
It’s tough out there for a fashionable 40ish mom. Your instinct to keep up with the times is a good one. Nothing says “I give up” like locking into a trend that’s come and gone. I’m looking at you, moms with fanny packs and scrunchies. You know what Heidi says—In fashion, you’re either een, or you’re aut. When it comes to skinny jeans you can count yourself een.
But here’s the skinny: You have find the right pair. Don’t worry. I’m here to help you with a simple set of rules and a few insider tips on age appropriate shopping.
Rules: Your skinnies must fit. If your jeans are so tight that people walking behind you can make out your varicose veins, find another pair. Avoid muffin top, whale tail, plumber’s crack, camel toe—anything with a nickname is a no-no. To check the fit, move around in the dressing room: Can you sit down? Bend over? Climb into the minivan? Kick a pair of dirty socks down the stairs without spilling hot coffee on the baby? If your answer to all these questions is yes, I really need to get one of those jobs behind the 2-way mirror.
Age Appropriate Shopping Tips: Do not shop in Juniors. That’s just embarrassing for everyone involved. (Why is the music so so LOUD?) It might be tempting to go ahead and try something on when you’re there shopping with your daughter anyway, but believe me, no one wants to see Mom hogging the three-way mirror and asking “Can I pull this off?” (Skinny jeans are literally hard to pull off—on account of the feet getting stuck.) Just say no to butt Beadazzling, pink sparkles, butterflies, and any embellishment with a face, no matter how totes adorbs that Hello Kitty is.
Instead, take the escalator up to the mom department, where the skinnies are cut high enough that you won’t have to debate whether to go tucked or untucked (tummy-wise, not shirt-wise). Look for skinnies with a little Spandex to flatter your best assets (pun intended, get it?). If you find yourself in the hosiery department eying those pajama jean legging things, turn back, you’ve gone too far.
Speaking as a fitting room survivor, I know you can find the perfect pair. Go forth and rock the look, Mama. Let’s celebrate our fashion savvy with a haiku:
Check out the rear view.
If you start feeling cheeky
give a smack: “Good job!”
Yours in fashion,
Peyton Price, Guest TMH