05 Mar
Facebook May End My Marriage

It’s nothing but excitement around here as we welcome our Friday guest poster, Beej from The Bean. Beej is one hilarious blogger and actually less scary in person, even if she struggles with how to congratulate you on your boob job. After you’ve read her advice, check out her funny blog, you won’t be disappointed.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband is addicted to updating on Facebook and I’m annoyed that all of our friends seem to know stuff about me. Nothing private, but like what we did over the weekend. I hate Facebook. Can this marriage survive?

Signed,

Facebook Hater

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Facebook Hater,

Listen. Facebook is an addiction.   Just like some people wind up hooked on drugs, gambling or sex, other people find themselves unable to escape the demon of Facebook dependence.

It often starts with “gateway” social media like Twitter — once the budding addict develops a taste for 140 characters, he suddenly needs moremoremore and goes looking anywhere for that next fix.

And there’s Facebook.   Leaned up all casual-like against the school fence. Saying, “Hey, man, wanna try something COOOOOOL?”   Before you know it, your poor guy’s completely strung out on pillow fights and Farmville.   He can’t STOP himself from telling the world what you had for breakfast or how many hours you spent in the can.   He’s a junkie.

Perhaps an intervention should be planned.   (Interventions are awesome because they often involve snacks.)   Gather a bunch of friends at your house one night. Get everyone drunk and when your husband comes home after a long day at work, have them jump out screaming and scare the hell out of him.   He’ll love it!   He’ll walk around hugging his friends and saying things like “I can’t believe you guys!” and “It’s not even my birthday!” while he plans his next status update in his head about how lucky he is.   And you guys can all snicker behind his back for a while until you finally sit him down and circle like a pack of wolves.   And then you can take his hand and say, “But seriously, honey, we think you have a problem…”

(Be sure someone’s there with a camera to capture that special moment.  He’ll want to post that later.)

Most importantly — BE PATIENT!   Facebook addiction can’t be overcome in just one day.   It’ll take hard work and hours of counseling.   Your husband faces weeks of painful withdrawals, and you’ll have to be there for him every step of the way.   It’ll be hard on you both, but if you can make it – and that’s a big “IF” — your marriage will come out even stronger than it was before this hellish nightmare began.

If you guys DON’T make it, though, tell him to look me up on Mafia Wars.

Signed,

Beej

________________

Psst! Will you be done with your ironing by Tuesday, March 9th?   And are you in NYC? Or at least a broomstick ride away from it?   If so, great! Please come to an Afternoon of Indulgent Moments!   Featuring Dove Chocolate and Gallo wine, and decadent treats and beauty and relaxation treatments, and did we mention DOVE CHOCOLATE AND GALLO WINE?!

How do you reach this Nirvana?   Go to The Chelsea Market, 75 Ninth Avenue, in NYC, 3 to 7 pm on Tuesday, March 9th, and just tell them that The Mouthy Housewives sent you.

14 Responses to “Facebook May End My Marriage”

03.05.10#1

Comment by inannasstar.

If I had a dime for every marriage that has been terminated or nearly terminated by Facebook (excluding mine) I’d own Bill Gates and could shut the fucker down.

tlm Reply:

Yep mine is on the way to the toilet. Seems he can’t control his addiction to moffia wars, hearsts, and farmville. Didn’t know our life was so bad, but I quess I’m just a bitch and he would rather play the games and contact old girlfriends. After about 25 yrs you would think I would count for something. guess not.

MaryLou42 Reply:

I know what you mean anytime I try to talk to my husband he ignores me he would rather talk to people on facebook. He calls me a bitch all of the time too. He hasn’t had a job for almost 5 years.He says he is never working again. It’s like he has lost his mind to Facebook. Iam getting really sick of it!! I hate Facebook so much!

03.05.10#2

Comment by Steenky Bee.

That Beej knows how to bring it. Who knew she could save my marriage too?! Fortunately, Facebook has yet to threaten my marriage. We survived My Space, Twitter and even Friendster. Facebook has nothing on us. Those apps on his iPhone, however, will be the death of us. I could sit naked on the sofa right next to the husband and he wouldn’t notice because he has to concentrate on his game if solitaire. I say Steve Jobs is ruining my marriage.

Finn Reply:

*snort* Your husband should meet my husband. You and I can go out looking for a couple of cute 20-somethings to play with instead.

Bejewell Reply:

Hey Steenky,

Steve Jobs is a butthole. You should join me, Sprint, Jesus and my boobs in our conspiracy to take him down. http://themusicalfruit.net/?p=3252

Seriously.

03.05.10#3

Comment by Ann.

I am so guilty of planning my next tweets while appearing engaged in normal life.

Beej? Will you come to town special for my intervention?

03.05.10#4

Comment by Anon.

Sadly I too found FB as addictive as crack (you know, like if I was ever stupid enough to try it). But Face Book sucked me in big time.

After spending an evening snooping as best I could on people of my past I was disgusted. You just know every one does it, creeeeepy…

Deleted my account.

Figured if I wanted to know how they were doing or share pics I would email.

I hope your hubby makes a full recovery very soon.

03.06.10#5

Comment by Keyona.

My husband is becoming an addict too…..shit.

03.08.10#6

Comment by the mama bird diaries.

This line is just brilliant… “Interventions are awesome because they often involve snacks.” No truer words were ever said.

03.09.10#7

Comment by janine.

try the kool-aid.

03.31.11#8

Comment by Should I Get a Boob Job? Or a New Husband? | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] bought me a hamburger. Beej is one hilarious mamma jamma who guested for us once before and gave great Facebook/marriage advice. We’re thrilled to have her & her kick ass advice back here today. Thank you, Mizzus […]

02.15.12#9

Comment by clappo.

well…such an interesting page!…seems I am not alone in this crazy FB MW crap! My husband has been playing this stupid and ridiculously addictive game for over 2.5 years and I have had just about enough of it! He comes home at lunch time and directs himself to the PC……He never leaves without checking it again and goes back to work. Walks in, quick coffee straight back to the MW and FB and that’s how he spends his entire life after work. I am ignored and may as well not exist as long as he has his fourth dimensional “fake” family online. He spends much more chatting to them than he does his real family. He constantly talks about “His family” IE his friggin MW “Friends”…………We are planing to go to the UK in August and he said that he had contacted many of his MW mates from all over the world that would be in the UK when we would be there………and guess what…..He wants to go and meet them!!!!!!!! EXCUSE ME???? I don’t think so!! We have REAL family in the UK that we never see and he expects me to spend time with people I have nothing in common with, have never met and have no wish to do so..UGH….I am talking 35 years of marriage here………..I feel quite depressed because that is all he does……..He is forever posting messages to strangers but calls them his mates………………..fuck I am so outta here……sorry for whinging

01.16.13#10

Comment by Melinda.

My sister in law is addicted to Facebook. I believe she is kind of lonely and wants to feel “connected” to people, so that’s her way.

I used to be on Facebook but my account was hacked, so I’m thankful for that. It was starting to cause a bit of drama because people assumed things and got all pissy with me. My sister in law actually went behind my back and complained to my husband about something extremely petty and trivial.

You know those groups on Facebook where you can “like” something? Well, I “liked” something that was completely inoffensive (and it would be inoffensive in the eyes of most rational people) but she was offended and instead of being a woman about it, she told my husband that I was embarrassing the family.

What’s “offensive” to me are her statuses about being a proud Christian conservative and her dislike of President Obama, but I’ve never complained to my husband about that.

Some people spend way too much time on Facebook.

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